November 06, 2004
Feelings About Office Treatment/Ethics
Originally posted July 16th, 2004 in my live journal:
Updating Against My Will (excerpts)
... hospital fees. I finally got hold of a very helpful woman in Accounts Receivable at Dr. Keith's office. Jennifer told me everything about costs, fees, billing, etc. and, though she is wonderfully informative, I'm at my wits end due to the possible price increase. A hardship, I might add, because I was not fully informed during my initial consultation. Dr. Keith's nurse knew on that day that this was a possibility, but said nothing.
Well, anyway, down to brass tacks, Jennifer, in order for me to get accurate information, directed me to Trish in A.R. at [Norman Regional Hospital]. I was to call Trish, get the quoted price for my procedure, then call Jennifer back and tell her the price, then she would take this information to Dr. Keith and see what he could do for me by bargaining with the hospital. Here's what Trish told me: the price for the LAP-Band procedure is $20,800 without any other fees, not the doctor, not the anesthesia, not the x-rays (or whatever else), just the space, the time and the one-day stay. If I pay it all up-front (because I'm self pay and no insurance company would be involved.), she said happily, I get a 25% discount, making it $15,600. Wow. Jennifer took this to Dr. Keith, who determined that since I would be getting a 25% discount already, there is very little he can do. However, alarmed by the fact that I had not been advised accurately in this matter, Dr. Keith offered to take $1000 off his own fee in the event that I do have to go to the hospital, making his remaining bill $3600. I very much appreciate the gesture, after all, there really isn't much else he can do. I do hope that in the future, though, his staff is a little more forthcoming with this information.
By the way, while I had Jennifer on the phone, I asked her how much a fill costs ... $185. Three are included in the quoted price, however, so hopefully, I won't be paying for a fill any time soon.
I told my Bandsters (the twice-monthly support group - [http://www.oklabandsters.com]) this evening that I was feeling a little wild-eyed, mostly due to being off [Wellbutrin for depression]. But too, I think I'm simply wrung out. I know this process has taken a year for some people to get through, but I'm still just grinding my teeth and trying to get it all done. I don't want to wait anymore, I'm ready now.
And I'll TELL you why I'm ready now ... My ankles swell, my legs swell, my hands swell, I don't sleep right, I can't walk very far, I have to use a seat in the shower, I have to consider restaurants, movie theaters and vehicles for their seating arrangements and closeness to the parking lot. I shop in the grocery store at 3am because I have to use the scooters and when there are fewer people, not only is it easier to get around, but there's no one there to stare at me. Daily personal hygiene is a challenge. And my sex life - nevermind, I'm not going there. I carry around this feeling of being abnormal because I can't simply push away from the table. I'm tired of feeling like a giant, festering social zit. Part of me is actually thinking that all the looks and stares will be okay once I have the band because I can say to them ..
"Oh no, it's okay, I've done something about it, you don't have to be disgusted with me now."
How stupid is that?!?!?Is it normal to feel guilt and feelings of failure because I couldn't lose the weight the "old fashioned" way? Isn't this supposed to be a tool, like any other? And if it is, am I going to use it any better than I have every other thing I've ever tried? Am I going to subsist on milkshakes and pudding, and then complain that I'm not losing weight? Will I be doing this all for nothing?
:: deep inhale ::
:: deep exhale ::
Boy, do I need to be back on medication.
... and then there's the whole body image thing. Once I lose the weight, I plan to have all the extra skin removed. But I've been looking at these plastic surgery sites and the before and after pictures are NOT encouraging! Will I be one walking scar? I mean, I know I'll never pose for Playboy, but I DO want to look normal. You know, I have friends who are very picky about what they consider beautiful. They have very specific ideal body types that they find attractive. And it's not that I want to start flirting with my friends, but ... well, take this for instance - I think Queen Latifah is gorgeous. She's strong, she's beautiful, she has curves that won't quit, and I'd kill to look like that. These guys, they think she's fat, and therefore, unattractive. When they talk about all the tiny, thin, stick-like people they think are great, and then put down all the big, full, luscious ladies I think are ideal, it really makes me wonder what the hell they must think of me! It's hurtful to think that after all this work, after all the dieting, the band, the surgeries, I'll still be fat to them. Fat and ugly, and unattractive.
You can say what you want about it all having to be for me ... I know that in my head. I know it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, or even what I THINK they think. But somewhere deep inside, it does. It does a lot.
Posted by Lj Stephens on November 6, 2004 10:28 AM