November 06, 2004
More Catch Up
Originally posted on my live journal on June 20th, 2004:
Ruminations
This weekend was my family's annual reunion. I didn't go. I haven't gone since my daddy died in 1994. At first, it was too painful to go back to the reunion without him. That year's reunion was the last place we all saw him lucid. He died three days after we all got home. But after one or two years, it wasn't that so much anymore, it was more that I was busy with work and didn't want to go camping at Grand Lake, where we always were. Then it was a resentment with the family, because my mother was never invited anymore, since Daddy died.
A few years ago, they moved the reunion from Grand Lake to Granbury, Texas. There's a lake there too, but we no longer had to camp. It was a hotel situation. And this last year, my mother was re-invited to go. I've run out of excuses, and still I can't bring myself to go. I know why now, I finally had to ask myself what was keeping me from it. I can't bear to be seen. Some of my relatives haven't seen me in ten years and they would be shocked. I have never been a thin person, but they've never seen me this large either.
Really, I didn't go because I couldn't bear the thought of watching their faces as they attempted to not look surprised. I didn't want to catch them out of the corner of my eye, staring at me, wondering what happened and worrying about my health. I didn't want the unsolicited diet advice and the endless talk about food and exercise that would invariably pop up. I didn't want to be the freak. I've told many of them about the LAP-band, but only by email. They know I'm in trouble. They know I'm trying.
Next year, I'm gonna go. No matter what I look like. I have to.
Posted by Lj Stephens on November 6, 2004 10:13 AM