"not me, not me, not me, not me" My dissociating trick

today was rough all around.2 hour session with my therapist today. one of the things I started talking about, I haven't mentioned before.
 My old trick.When I was little, I taught myself how to go away. Whenever something bad (or just uncomfortable) was happening, I would start chanting to myself, "not me not me not me not me not me". After a few minutes, I would feel myself take a step away from my outside...
like a peeling away from the front...taking a step inward, so that whatever was happening, wasn't happening to ME anymore...and i kept chanting "notmenotmenotmenotmenotme".
..for minutes or an hour, whatever it took, and close my eyes, and chant,
until i didn't feel pain or hurt or reality anymore. and then the separation would take place,
and it'd be like me facing another person, like another kid. and all that bad/ uncomfortable stuff would stay with them, and that reality would stay with them, and i'd leave them behind, and move on to something else. thats what sharon and i talked about today.
I remember starting it when i was in kindergarten, and doing it all the way through college (and i even try to do it now, out of habit, the old "not me not me" chant and separation thing, but I never do it all the way anymore, I know too much now).... was this me making alters when I was little?
i got reminded of this because last week something happened and Mae started chanting "not me not me" and Caroline realized that Mae was trying to make a new little girl named Kristen to take her place. Luckily, Nobody somehow talked Mae through it and instead of creating a new alter, they bought her a stuffed polar bear and Mae named the BEAR baby Kristen instead. last thing we need is more new people. *sigh*

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


I hope you know there are people who care about you. I have dated a woman who had a dissociative disorder, i thought she was borderline, but she was more than that. I didn't break up with her, I really loved her & cared for her, but I could never get beyond her "barrier of trust", she would change her mind about me constantly. Anyways, I told her how I will always love her & I only want the best for her.

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