Hearing voices

i remember one of the 1st times i heard someone else's voice come out of my mouth. i was around 12 years old. My aunt and grampa were visiting and staying at our house. I can remember getting out of bed one morning, and carrying my doll and baby blanket with me out to the kitchen. This was at 12, when I was trying to be "cool".
its like... I got out of bed, and I was there, but someone was walking in front of me that i kept...tripping over. i remember thnking something like "i feel so strange".
But there I was that morning, doll and baby blanket in hand. I remember standing in front of the refridgerator looking for something to eat. I wondered if everyone could tell that I looked different... I felt smaller.My mom said something to me and my reply was "But I want a Pepsi"...in a child's voice. A little child's voice. I remember now how it struck me as kind of odd, because it didn't sound like me. Yet it had come out anyway, this disembodied child's voice.and i was sort of back behind this other person, thinking, that didn't sound like me, i wonder if they notice i sound funny, and i remember feeling embarassed and afraid of being found out. and then i remember feeling silly because i had my doll and blanket and there was 12 years old and figuring they would make fun of me.
Over the years, of course, I heard plenty of voices in my head. I figured everyone was just that way, hearing voices. In 6th grade my teacher read a book called My Side of the Mountain, about a boy that lived alone on a mountainside for a very long time, and to keep hiMissylf entertained he learned to have conversations going on in his head, different voices at the same time. I remember thinking it was a little strange that he had to learn that skill, since i thought it was something that everyone just sort of knew. I was used to other people taking over and speaking through me. but it wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I heard one of their voices for REAL. and that shocked the hell out of me. Some time ago, my (no longer) best friend called me, and the answering machine went on before I picked up the phone. Unfortunately she called at a time when the 5 year old was out and having a hard time. So it was the 5 year old's voice on the answering machine, caught on tape. Later, when I was back, I saw that a message had been recorded...and was I ever in for a shock. When I heard the tape I heard the 5 year old, carefully answering the phone with a small "Hello?" "its Mae." Thats when it hit me: it was her voice I'd heard that morning when i was 12.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: The Bad Days

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