I am just too different.

.....am so lonely that my heart aches.I miss my best friend... even though i will probably never see her or hear from her again. i haven't heard a word from her since january. and i still have no answers about what might have happened or what she thinks happened or what ended it all. i'm as clueless as i was 8 months ago.
Tonight I was walking in the park where we used to go play on the swings and go for walks. I miss her so much. I could see other friends playing together and other women walking and talking. my heart aches so much. my friend used to come over and hang out on weekends. i spend most of my weekends and weeknights at home alone. i go for walks alone. i go to the park alone. i go shopping alone. most of the time i dont talk to anyone. my husband is either at work or very busy studying. When he can, usually on Sundays for a couple hours, he and i will hang out and do something together like play ball or see a movie, if he is able to take the time away from his work. And I know I am very lucky to have even that. But sometimes i just want a girl around to talk to, you know? I miss my friend so much. I dont know if she's even alive or dead at this point. I miss her so much.
I am just too different. I tried being myself. People tell ya, "just be yourself"... but that just seems to be a sure way to lose people. I am too different. My "best friend" said she cared, and said she wanted to support me. She promised to be friends forever, and she used to play with Mae and go shopping with Missy and play with Tuck and color with them and everything. But really, i should have never told her. Because i think that's how I lost her. By being myself.
I just want someone around. I just want some companionship. It seems like everyone has someone. not me.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


This post is so heart-felt it about broke my heart. I still sometimes can't believe that the friendship between you and what's-er-name (:-) has ended. I thought she was different too. I thought she was special. I felt safe knowing that you were with her. It was nice knowing you were out and having fun again. But it turns out she's just like everyone else. She leaves. I hate her too, though not nearly as much as you do, and in a different way. I wish I could tell her how I feel. Anyways, I hope that someday someone else will come along. Someone real. Someone you can really depend on. But one thing I've learned is that you can't TRULY be yourself with anyone. There is always something we have to hide. In the end, it's just us, alone with ourselves. It's hard to be comfortable with that. It's a lot easier for me because I prefer to keep people at arm's length (if not further). But for you, I think you need someone. And I thought SHE was that friend. I hate how people are tricky like that. Well, I'm thinking of you, and wishing you weren't quite so lonely. Love,Your Sis

I tend to feel that way also. If I really let people know what I was thinking, how I felt...they couldn't handle me. It made me think that maybe people who were afraid to be themselves made better friends than people who were themselves completely. I have another question. I sure hope you don't mind my questions, please let me know if they bother you. Do any of the alters have specific medical problems to them alone? I've heard of one DID case that one alter was diabetic on insulin. Hope you're all feeling better today.Hugs,Heather

Oh Dear Pilgrim,I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I know how it hurts to lose your best gal pal and not have that 'connection' anymore. It's very hard to replace friends that we get that close with. I think you are brave and right to tell the truth. I wonder if you could write her and ask what it was that happened that made her leave your life?I know this is very different from your case. I had a best friend, we talked about everything, from grade school through Sr. year in HS. Then my boyfriend asked her to the Senior Prom, and she WENT! He told her we'd broken up, but he'd forgotten to tell me. In a way I lost both of them, my two closest friends. They started dating, contrary to what she told me, so due to her lies, not necessarily the dance, our friendship ended. I have never been able to establish such a close and fun and supportive and wonderful friendship since. Luckily I had my wonderful Mom, she's seen me through so much. And now she, my dh Frank, and my Jen are my best friends. I do miss a non-family, impartial gal pal. Before I got sick I did have a couple of close gal friends, but that all changed once I was ill and inconvenient. Sad.BTW, scary, I got back together with boyfriend soph year of college. He hadn't lied. He was my ex, my Jen's dad, who died at 37 of a stroke. I still think we were meant to be together as our Jen was definitely meant to be ours.Wish I lived where you do my friend....Hugs and Blessings, Judy

what about the other teachers at your school. are you friends with any of them? Maybe you could ask 1 of them or maybe a couple lady teachers to go to lunch or go see a movie on the weekend.I think a lot of ppl would love to be invited and go out to lunch and just have fun.Its not gonna be like your best friend was but it will be friends to do things with. Just a thought...donna
p.s nobody...I liked when you said you want to keep telling the truth and working for things to get better.I noticed you have a good sense of humor and stay strong...you are worth it! donna

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