Feelings go Berserk
This has been an interesting few days, to say the least. Emotions have run the gamut from hopeless despair to "maybe things might be ok". Its been rough because the 5 year old REALLY wants to talk to my therapist, and she has been whining, crying, writing notes, and generally being a pain in the butt about it, going on "PLEASE let me call her, PLEASE let me i have to talk to her now please you said i could please i'm scared of the hospital are you going to leave me does she hate me is she giving up on me i thought i did be good did i be bad now is her gonna send me away when can i talk to her PLEASE will you let me call our T PLEASE?" *sigh* Then Missy yelling "you are so screwed, everyone's going to hate you, S is just trying to get rid of you, you're hopeless, you're going to die, you're living on borrowed time, you are so damn screwed." Again, not helpful.
I dont know what to do about anything. There is a LOT going on that I can't even write about here that I wish I had the freedom to. I'm so overwhelmed. All I want to do is disappear.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
1st off: MSE is wrong, S isn't trying to get rid of you and you're not gonna die!!!
Isn't the 5 yr old expressing the fear that maybe more of you also feel? Maybe if you ask the little one to write down a list of things she wants to talk to T about...working on her list could help her see it's specific things and not the end of the world. And try to give her some time early next session to address her list.
I imagine you have a list too.... I know hospitals are scary, but they are there to help people. I think maybe you'd benefit from IP as S is not as well versed in DID as you need someone to be at this point in your life. You are weary of all of this and you could use some help.
You wouldn't be going for about 6 weeks, right so use your T time to let S convince M and you that it's time for this and it's gonna be ok. M is afraid of a gyn exam (she witnessed of NB's), she is afraid of shots, and she's most afraid of being left alone. I think S's assignment for M to start to talk more with and build trust with you & C is something else she can work on and you can help her letting her one of you is always around and she won't be alone. And you could tell her there will be other people with little ones inside that she might make a few friends there.
I think you are brave and doing the best thing for yourself to go IP once school is out, and for taking it easy and being as low-key activity wise as you can for your heart. Everyone has to take care of that heart. Maybe let C do the eating since you hate it. Treat it like medicine, you have to do this to get stronger and you want to live for Sammy !!!! Put her picture, all blown up big, on your fridge and cupboard where the protein shakes and bars are...and remember why you are doing this.
Hugs and Blessings, Love, Judy