Pilgrim's Journey > June 2005 Archives

June 2, 2005

Balancing Act

The real trick I'm working on is balancing out all the stress I'm under with some time off. Life has been a real balancing act lately.
Bad news has been coming at me time and time again. Things have been immensely difficult the past few weeeks. Inside my head, things have been changing a lot. Its been hard.
Summer vacation is starting now.
I think I may have survived through the most stressful part(I HOPE!) and I'm getting ready to go out and do some fun things. Maybe I can finally get a little bit of a break. There's been so much going on inside, and on the outside. At least right now the "outside" stuff is calming down a bit. That should [in theory] give me time to work on the inside stuff, which is what I REALLY need.
The next few weeks I'm going to try to rest up, relax, and get my mind together a bit. I'm going to spend some time working on handling things better internally, building up some trust inside, and working on improving communication better. Things have gotten a lot better inside, but there is also a lot of work to go... a hard road ahead.
At least now that I'm on vacation,I'm going to have some time to work on things. Even though I still have a lot going on inside, and its going to be hard work, at least I'm going be able to get the chance to work on those things now.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:20 PM | Comments (0)

June 4, 2005

THIS is why.

Tonight is one of those nights when I know why I admitted myself into the hospital last month. Why I force myself to eat when I don't want to. When I force myself to get re-grounded when I'd rather disappear, why I work my way through memories that seem like they should stay buried. Because life is so worth it. Its so worth every hard moment. When I feel like giving up, like drowning, when life is unfair and I know I can either give in or get up... [edit: what I did not mention here is the immense struggle that I have going on in my head tonight between the present and the past which is tearing me apart]
It all comes down to nights like this.

Because my niece has the most beautiful giggle in the entire world.
Because the sun setting makes her hair shine like gold.
Because when she got scared for a moment tonight, she reached out to me for comfort.

Because there are many times when, even when everything in my head is screaming, and I can't think, time still freezes for a moment and I can see a scene like what happened tonight:

There we are (me, Missy, Carolineine, Mae, Tuck, the Bully, Claire, and everyone) all packed inside 1 body. Sitting in the pasture picking flowers with my niece, watching the sun set, and feeling sand filter through our fingers, and she giggles. And I can see myself in my niece's eyes, my sister in her, and our past, and the future, and I wonder what she will do with herself, and I see all the amazing things that my niece can do. And for a minute, everything is right with the world.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:40 PM | Comments (1)

June 6, 2005

up for grabs

thank God for dissociation as a coping mechanism
because its the only thing keeping us going right now.

this mind is up for grabs right now.
we are not doing good.
bad news today came. this will take some time to recuperate.
in shock.
far away... everyone is far away.
everyone is retreating inside. can't talk about this now.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:51 PM | Comments (0)

June 7, 2005

Nowhere to go

I dont know what to do with myself.
I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to.
I can't figure out what to do. My head is spinning with voices and talking and memories and flashbacks. The memories are good things I like to remember...the flashbacks are terrible things I wish I could forget.
Bad news came yesterday and I dont know how to handle it. My husband needs me with him and we're several states apart.
Right now I wish I was back in the hospital. Because I can't handle everything thats going on.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:32 PM | Comments (1)

June 8, 2005

in limbo

still in limbo, way dissociated.
and not sure what is going on
time is stretching backward and forwards, inside and out, up and down... dreams and reality are really getting confused. The only constant is the little girl I am helping to take care of in real life right now who is the light of my life. Not sleeping and there's no staying at the front long enough to get anything done.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:36 PM | Comments (1)

June 12, 2005

On my way

I have had a very busy, intense couple weeks.
Its also been a lot of fun. I've learned a lot.
I can't find the words I need to right now... so I thought I would share some good quotes...that are meaningful to me.... with everyone.

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
-Raymond Lindquest

“Great Changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy.”
-Bill Blackman

“If you always watch the demons behind you, then you will never see the angels ahead.”

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...

Veronica A. Shoffstall

"You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise."
~"Still I Rise" Maya Angelou

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe."~Anatole France

Posted by pilgrim at 11:05 AM | Comments (0)

June 14, 2005

Regaining control

i have been way spaced out for over a week

switching every few minutes, my mind has felt like a revolving door, or like an escalator... its been constant movement. dizzying. i hasve problem following peoples sentences. too many people are listening and switching.
the past couple weeks have been very challenging... to say the least.... having to deal with my biggest triggers (people leaving and/ or dying) and facing things from the past has been extremely difficult. everyone inside has their own way of dealing with things, their own idea of what is the best way to handle people and situations.
i have to get control back over my mind again

i got a kick in the ass e mail from my therapist today
i got a kick in the butt/ pep talk from my nutritionist yesterday
i am still very spaced out but trying to pull myself together

today i slept mostly because i couldnt drag myself out of my depression/ dissociation long enough to get off the floor. i slept in front of the tv whenever it was my turn out front.
but when it was Carolineine's turn out front, she was on the phone with admissions people at a university making plans to start her Masters degree (!!!!! geesh!!!!) apparently June 28th and working on getting financial aid and scholarships-- i have 6 e mails in my inbox about it.
*Ack!* i feel like such a nutcase, here Carolineine is working on her master's degree yet i can't get my head up off the floor (We ARE supposedly in the same body, right?.... right? )
As a group we need to meet and figure out what might be a more appropriate use of our time right now... such as putting the master's degree on hold and using all of Carolineine and Missy's energies toward ... ahem, here's an idea.... RECOVERY.

add to that i just got back from vacation
and out of inpatient
I need to find out about follow-up care on the hospital stuff, some sort of outpatient thing for at least a few days a week. I'm going to lose my mind if I dont change some things here, and wandering around the house switching all day & playing dolls 1 minute and wanting to pound my head into the cement floor the next & working on my master's degree the next minute & screaming my lungs out a minute later is just not going to work for me for this summer.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:59 PM | Comments (1)

June 15, 2005

Stressed out but trying hard

I am so going crazy here. But I'm trying to work on recovery stuff. Its so overwhelming and taking so much hard work. And I know the work is going to get even harder to do as I delve deeper into things I know I need to face. Dang. I am so stressed out. I'm trying to handle this all on my own and I dont have very much support right now but am working on getting more. People are too busy or just having they're own problems going on so I need to keep on looking elsewhere for help. I am looking into the outpatient program at the hospital I was just in and also into a couple programs run by the mental health organization for my county. I need to do SOMETHING, because me being home alone all day is REALLY not a good idea. Need more structure than this "hang out alone all day and work on recovery whenever I can force jo off the couch" thing. I really wish I had and need someone to talk to every day. Or at least on a more often than twice a week basis. I need friends around. I need a mentor or something. Instead of always being the leader and always the teacher, I need someone who can help ME for a change and help me know what to do. i get so tired of always being the one who's supposed to be so independent and always knows what to do. sometimes i am just so clueless, like now in my life.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:21 PM | Comments (0)

June 16, 2005

Discouraged right now.

My therapist told me today that she's moving to another office (again-- several times now in the past 5 years)--- she's moving closer to her home, farther from mine. This is happening in about 3 weeks.
its going to be a farther drive for me, more gas ($$$$), more time.
she told me she could help me find a new T closer to home, but i really dont want to do that. I've been seeing this T for 5 years now, we have a very good relationship, and I dont want to start over again with someone new. So that isn't really an option.
So... now once again I'll be following my T out to a new office... and going through all these changes AGAIN... which are always so hard

i am so down and discouraged right now, feeling like i want to do a LOT of negative behaviors which i just can't allow myself to do (because i know they wouldn't really help)

i am having such a bad week.. and i needed some good news today, not more bad news...

trying to tell myself that its just more of an inconvenience, its not like my T is moving out of state or anything. she's still going to see me. its not like she's moving away. the news could have been worse.
but i still feel so abandoneded.
when i was little my family moved all the time too and its just this cycle that keeps repeating again and again
and i hate it so much

i do not know what to do
i dont know how to handle this
i dont know what to say to my T
she knows this is hard on me, she knows i have a very hard time whenever she changes offices, she generally tries to help me through it. but i'm so tired right now

Posted by pilgrim at 1:37 PM | Comments (0)

Small Step

Well, another invasion of the body snatchers event happened as usual, and Carolineine took over tonight. Which is probably a good idea, because I was in no mood to handle anything.
When Carolineine and I switched places again tonight, Carolineine imagined weaving her memories of the evening in with mine inside of our minds. It looked like she was weaving a ribbon in and out of my mind. I think that is how I am able to remember some of the things that she did tonight.
She made us get up off the couch and got us to a support group tonight. Its one that I started going to 5 years ago, but haven't been to for a while, for various reasons. I guess she even talked, and let people call her by my name so it wouldn't weird them out. Afterward though she let our therapist know it was her.
So, yah... we got up and went to group... even though all we felt like doing was laying on the couch and feeling sorry for ourselves and doing a lot of negative behaviors. Its a good thing we have Carolineine who can motivate herself enough to get up and do things, even when the rest of us dont care.
So... another small step toward recovery... and then another, because she ate fruits and vegetables tonight, made me eat even though I didn't want to, and it was even healthy stuff, at that.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:50 PM | Comments (1)

June 20, 2005

So much to do

There's just so much to do. I have accomplished a good deal, even just today-- I work on recovery stuff every day, and it can get exhausting. Today I signed up for the peer support program for my county, I went to their building in another city since they haven't returned my calls. I had therapy for 2 hours this morning-- which was good, but hard. The 5 year old talked for a long time, and even though it was pretty hard for her, I think it helped a good deal. She is feeling very sad and having an extremely hard time dealing with loss. My goal for the next few days is to help her express her feelings in a safe way, even though thats really hard for me to do. I imagine that I'll spend a good deal of time dissociated, but on some level I'm going to have to have an adult self present in order to help the 5 year old when she needs it... and thats going to take a lot of work. My therapist also took the time to explain some things to the 5 year old today, I think they had the little toy people out today, acting something out-- it was about friends, or relationships, something like that. Whatever it was, it made sense to the 5 year old. I have found that when I'm having a hard time with a difficult concept, and the 5 year old goes and talks to my therapist about it, my therapist is very good about explaining things to her on her level. Then she "gets it" on a basic level, snd the information and concepts somehow travel through the grapevine through our system, and it helps us understand things better.
All of this mental work completely exhausts me every day. I can't get through the day without a napp. I've been trying to see that its ok to let myself get some rest once in a while. I've always thought it just makes me lazy... I'm trying to reframe my thoughts a little bit.
I have so much work to do.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:29 PM | Comments (2)

June 24, 2005

this is what i want to say

pepol shuld be nise to animls. you shudnt ever be mean to them. oaways be nise to animls no mater what. you shud think abot how a animol feels and be nise to them. when pepol talk abot beiing mean to animos then gthe grown ups go away becos its awfol
the bad pepol hert animls
they shudnt.
i am 5 and i do no that alredy.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:57 PM | Comments (2)

June 25, 2005

Moving On & Letting Go

My goal for this summer is to learn to move on and let go. Of the past, of old eating disorder and self injury behaviors, of old distorted thought processes that didnt get me anywhere. I'm trying so hard to move on. I just finished reading this really great book called Get Over It and On With It: How to Get up When Life Knocks You Down. by Michelle Hammond. It was just what I needed to read at this point in my journey. I bought it at one of the Christian bookstores around where I live. It really was just... pretty much things I already know, but needed to be firmly reminded of. Like how God always has a plan for our lives, plans for good and not for evil. Like how God is always on my side even in hard times. That I have a choice of how to face each day. That I'm going through hard times; I dont have to STAY here. That God uses all our problems and difficult times to teach us valuable lessons and help us depend on Him and become stronger people. One of the first things I have to do though is to let go of what I'm used to (like the eating disorder, the cutting, the old ways of thinking)... and be open to new things to come my way... use the resources that God brings my way (and I notice that the more I admit I need them, the more I find... which is weird for me... kinda bizarre, actually, because I've always been stubborn and said I could do everything on my own; I'm only discovering recently that I cant.) Letting go of things is hard for me. Letting go of the past, and people in the past, is really hard for me. The majority of my family lives in the past, always talking about the "good old days" of how things used to be. Its how I was raised. I have to break free of those old thought patterns and learn to set my sights on the future. That's something that Carolineine (one of the inside people) is able to do easily, but I really have a hard time with. I want to be like her.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:12 PM | Comments (1)

June 26, 2005

Something huge

I did something huge for myself today. For recovery.
I dont really want to talk specifics, but it was something that I wish I could have done years ago. It was something really, really hard for me, and I did it alone because I needed to. It probably would have been easier, had I phone a friend or my sister for support (umm...ok...not that anyone would have been available), but I did not try, because I needed to face something on my own. As it was, I did it.
I feel... guilty, sad, good, proud, confused. happy, hopeful, depressed. But I am remaining ME and not switching. Another recovery goal. That feels pretty amazing.... and weird.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:27 PM | Comments (2)

June 30, 2005

awfully hard day

Right now... we are trying to deal with something so hard, I dont even know where to-- how to.. struggling to find any words. Just want to curl under some covers, hide our eyes, and go away. The 5 year old.. she started talking about something so terrible in therapy that she was told... by some family members, way too early, about death. horrible and haunting and terrible.
feel so helpless and... i dont even know. dont know how to fix this one.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:35 PM | Comments (1)

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