Having D.I.D. is not a game...it is not fun... it SUCKS.

There's a rumor going around somewhere about me. Its nothing even all that bad, per se. I just wish it wasn't going around. People need to mind there own business.

But it just emphasizes in my mind how much I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.

I just feel like crawling in a hole. I HATE the inside people. I REALLY HATE THEM. I HATE THAT THEY ARE THERE. I DONT WANT THEM. I WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY. My life is plenty complicated enough without them. Yah at times they can be helpful and yah many times they have saved my life BUT they have outgrown their usefulness. I want them to be GONE.

my whole life has to be a secret it seems like. people don't understand it. I dont understand it. i'm so sick of this.

And I got home today and accidently saw myself in the mirror (I try not to ever look) and realize I have grown to the size of a small elephant and since I am not allowed to do much exercise and I HAVE to eat sometimes, doing all this eating disorder recovery stuff, and because I have a heart problem (due to years and years of anorexia, which I have no one to blame on but ME) , there is not much I can do about it. So here I am the size of a small elephant and all lumpy and extremely ugly and I'm stuck having to eat something every day and not being able to do 3 hours of exercise like I used to and i 'm so UNCOMFORTABLE in this stupid body and I want OUT. It feels like its all so out of control. Why do people tell me I'm thin when I am clearly, OBVIOUSLY not??

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


you're always beautiful. never ugly. inside and out. believe me.

i haven't been in touch with you for a while...i've been really busy with school and whatnot, and haven't been online a whole lot. i know progress varies from day to day, but i sincerely hope you're doing well. i wish you the best, and i miss talking with you.

always a friend,

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