Hide and Seek

I want to hide away. Just for the month of October. Its coming. The worst time of year for me. And its coming up so fast. Its so strange how it happens. Its like all the pressure just builds up during the year and by October, everything inside is weakend or something. My resistance gets low. For some reason, even now, every little comment is hitting me wrong. I am reacting more strongly. Instead of reacting to things in a recovery-oriented manner, my first reactions are to hide, to cut, to disappear, to dissociate.
Today in therapy I vented about how frustrated I am with myself and everyone inside. How much I want to be normal. How much I feel like a freak. The good part was that my therapist said I sounded more "real", more like a normal person. She said I was using a range of feelings and talking, which IS what "normal" people do. Its "progress." So I guess that even while I can't see it, at least someone can. That's good because I can barely see anything except the coming month pounding down on me.

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