Music brings on memories

Tonight my heart is in so much pain I can barely take it. I want to cut so much. I am having a really hard time. My cat died last month. We had to put her down. She was very old and had cancer. It was one of the worst things I ever had to do. Tonight, I was in her old room where she slept, and I accidently bumped the music box that I used to leave on for her to listen to. The music went on. So much pain and ache went through my whole system. I haven't heard the music since the last night I held my kitty and put her to sleep. It startled me to hear it. Its just this soft, gentle, relaxing music, but it felt like it ripped through my heart. Everyone inside just jumped and panicked and wanted to cry. I curled up in a ball and tried so hard to disappear. Its against the rules to cry. I want to cut so much. I want so much to get the pain out. I need my cat back so much. I NEED her. I had her for so long... she was one of my best friends. Animals have always been my best friends. Animals are so much better than people. We (me and other insiders) were laying there curled up wanting to cry so much, but its against the rules right now, right now we have to keep everything inside. I dont know why-- we just do. So far in October we've been through 3 days of it, and for 3 days I've screwed something up doing some behavior I should be. October always ends up being my month in charge and every October I screw it up royally. I'm a stupid fat 17 year old who has no clue how to act right and I have to figure out how to fix it on my own. My heart hurts so much. Its like October is just filled with flashbacks and bad memories and being caught in a trap.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


I know just how you feel.Its very painful losing a pet.We had to put our dog down a few years ago, she to had cancer and it still hurts so much to think about it.My heart goes out to you.

Me too. :-( I still can't hear Tiny's songs without crying...and Pinky's songs too. It takes a long time for the pain to go away. I don't even know how long. BUt, like that line from the movie Gladiator "You WILL see them again. But...not yet." The time will come. And these days will be a distant memory after being reunited with our best friends. It IS okay to cry though...even if you don't believe it...say it to yourself. Someday you'll let yourself.

Your Sis

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