Feeling really switchy tonight. All day. The past several hours its been a fight between me and someone else to see who gets to do what they want.
I need someone to talk to so badly and I'm so lonely, but there is no one online, no one to e -mail about what is going on (no friends), my sister is usually too busy to get on the phone or on the computer these days, and my husband is preoccupied with other things. Money and big issues going on and work problems and trying to get over things from the past and bad feelings over ex-friends and flashbacks.
My head... it just feels too big. I am so FAT. My therapist came up with a great theory the other day and I think she's got it exactly right. That as I was growing up, I had so much going on in my head, so many people and thoughts and information that my head just felt too big and there was too much going on, and so many people inside, that it seemed like my BODY just MUST be big, because it HAD to be big enough to hold everything and everyone, and that translated into--- I AM HUGE AND FAT--- and there started the eating disorder that I've had for 18 years. And I tihnk she's exactly right-- I can remember the ages where I was having the most problems with mental chaos and people in my head were the same ages where I started to feel bigger and fatter and having more eating disorder & fat thoughts--- at age 6, 10, 14, and 16. pilgrim

i am so lonely. i wish i could talk to my therapist. she's been giving us all this really hard homework this week. pages and pages of questions to answer. they're hard. its bringing up all this stuff and all these memories. I'm not dealing with so great... been purging AND cutting AND not eating... thats really not good. i want to talk to my therapist so much. tuesday is so far away. i really want to call this hotline... its called RAINN... its 1-800-656-HOPE ... I keep thinking about calling them and talking about the flashbacks and stuff. But I'm so afraid. What if I tell them I'm 17, and then I talk about being a teacher and everything, and they get confused? And then I'd have to tell them about how I am one of the alters of this girl who has multiple personalities.... I am so afraid they would just hang up the phone or laugh at me. jo

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