the Patience of Job

In the job I have, I need a lot of patience. Oftentimes on the way to work, I pray for patience because I work with young children who take years and years to learn simple concepts that most kids pick up on in a day or two. I'd say that the biggest compliment I get is that I have a lot of patience. Its what I dare say a lot of people admire me for. Having the patience of Job. Things that kids do wrong or mess up on again and again just doesn't irritate me at all. We just keep trying. Again. Again. Again. And even kids with behavior problems, the ones who love to try to push my buttons and drive me crazy. Most of the time, it just doesn't work. They push to get reactions, and it doesn't work. I wait them out. I wait and wait and wait. And wait some more. And eventually they give up and see that whatever they are doing isn't going to work on me, and decide its just easier to behave.

So how come that with myself, I have absolutely NO patience? I am so FRUSTRATED with myself! I want to just MOVE ON already. I'm so sick and tired of everything I do wrong. I hate that I mess things up all the time. I can't talk right. I can't say things right. I have such a hard time expressing myself in therapy. The past two weeks have been really long and difficult ones. I am driving myself crazy. When am I going to get BETTER?

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


It'll be intermittently. once i learn to spell that word i can have this on-off kind of progress too.

might i suggest the good memories jar or the good days jar? date and scribble out details of the good day or memorie and put it in a jar. on days when you feel low pull out the papers randomly and read about these times that made you smile. they'll be encouragment and a reminder that you are making progress and you are not always at your lowest.


That doesn't work for me. it just reminds me of what or who I was at another time. I find looking back at good memories very depressing. Right now one of my alters it trying to make me overdose and i'm having trouble fignting it. Do I just self-medicate enough to take the edge off and sleep or go ahead nd give in and try and commit suicide again?

It depends on what it is that you want.

I know how hard this disorder is. I know what you live with daily. I also know what it feels like to need to die just so this will all stop. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the fear, the confusion, its exhausting. Yeah, I know someone wants to give up. I know, I truly do Patricia. I truly do. I also know that when I was a kid splitting was to save my life. Am I willing to toss aside all that little girl went through and all the strength she showed? Am I willing to stop now after all this crap I've gone through and lived? Do I want to pass off all that work as nothing? I'm not at the beginning of the road or near the end. But I want to know what it feels like to get better. Your insiders have improved. There is patients, there is understanding where there was once little. So the bottom line is, was that improvement for nothing? What kind of message do you want to send to your insiders?

I hope it doestn sound unsupportive to speak this way, especially to a complete stranger. My only point is, think about what you want before you go after it. No matter what it is, if its life or death, think about it before you go after it. Weigh your steps. Count the cost and then make your decisions based on wisdom and understanding. My suggestion is to keep going. You'll find support in places you never expected it to come from.

i wish you peace of mind

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