Violent dreams and screwing up again and building up inside

Guess what we did this time? Not only can I not do things good enough for 1)my family 2)my job 3)my therapist and 4)my husband, I've gone and screwed up MORE.
Mae and I have both been having really violent dreams for about a month or so. It started out with a dream I had a while ago that my dad raped me. It was really graphic and disturbed me. I mean, I feel like it rattled me down to my bones. Then Mae and Jo started having really violent dreams. These aren't the dreams that we usually have. We're used to having bad dreams. These are really violent ones, where people are trying to kill us, where we're running for our lives, and guns and rapes and knives are involved.
None of have been allowed to talk about these things in therapy yet. Our therapist won't let us talk about things until she can be sure that we are "safe" and won't come home and cut or purge.
So in the meantime, everything stays bottled up inside, and the violent dreams keep getting worse. The past week or 2, they've been terrible, and I'm waking up 4 or 5 times a night. I get so tired in the daytime sometimes. In our dreams, we're trying to fight back. The people in our dreams don't get hurt by the guns, tasers, or anything else that we try to use against them. They just grin or laugh maniacally and use them back at us. I guess that is waht makes the dreams so scary. That nothing we do works, and they turn everything back around at us and use it against us.
(Dreams often imitate life, don't they?)
So we have tried hitting. Hitting the bad people. Well unfortunately, we end up hitting for real. And keep hitting my husband, who's trying to sleep beside me. :(
He's had enough. He's still sore.
This morning he was mad and announced that I was going to start sleeping on the couch.
Way to go, Pilgrim. I've screwed up again.
Now he's changed his mind (once I couldn't quit crying, and was about to throw up from crying so hard--- another low point, way to go, stupid Pilgrim )and saying, he'll sleep on the couch. I dont think so. The freak should sleep on the couch while he gets the comfortable bed. Because I can't control my unconscious mind while I'm asleep, BUT I NEED TO LEARN TO. I HAVE to learn to. I NEED to get this under control.
I have to learn, apparently, to be perfect, and not make ANY mistakes. That is the way to get to do the things that I want to do. In order to talk, to be able to have a normal life, in order to have any sort of relationship with my husband/family/therapist/mom/dad-----> they do not have to change at all. This is what I am learning. They get to stay the same and do whatever they want. Its all me who has to change. This is, as far as I can gather, what life and 12 steps and support groups and family and relationships are all about. I get to do all the work. No one else has to do anything.
[sarcasm] Wow. Life is really fun. [/sarcasm]
All I do is screw up one thing after another. :(
Is it summer yet?

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


oh pilgrim, i'm so sorry. i have done this to my husband as well. i still feel really bad about it. he still makes jokes about it. you should not have to sleep on the couch. and you don't need to be perfect. i have my opinions on what might help, but i think i will post it elsewhere. just know that i am thinking of you.


no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. you're really considerate and brave for being willing to change; i think the world would be a much better place if people would just be open to change like you are. there are some people that will never, ever change, and they're just stubborn and inflexible. i make mistakes all the time. it's learning to accept the mistakes we make and learn from them that's the hard part, i think.

Oh, Pilgrim! My heart hurts for you! Both you and Mae seem to feel you can't be human, i.e., imperfect. But, you're both imperfect just like the rest of us humans. And, you are loveable just as you are. Non-DID-types react imperfectly to our imperfections, too, so we can't make ourselves over to make them happy. We're not perfect; they're not perfect;
God loves us, anyway. He's the only One we can expect perfection from! So, give yourself a pat on the back for being the wonderful person that you are. The rest will come, in time.

I am no psychologist but from my humble opinion i feel you are too hard on yourself. after all that you have been through it is normal to lose control and nothing to feel bad about.

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