Identity-- how do you know who you are?

The past couple of weeks in therapy, my therapist has been talking about how she doesn't know very much about me. Me--Pilgrim,me. The supposedly "core" person, the original. She was saying how it seems like everyone else-- Mae, Jo, Carolineine, etc-- is well defined. She knows all about them. They have things they like, things they don't, things they do, things they don't do. But I am rather foggy and shadowy. Its really unclear what I like and don't like. Not really sure what I do or don't do. Its hard to tell if I have any sort of identity at all.
When she said that, I hid my eyes.
She found out my secret.
As she always does.
That, my foggy-not-really-here-ness thing I've got going, is just about the only thing I've ever had to keep me safe.
Anything that ever happened-- it didn't happen to me. Because I'm just this ghostgirl, this invisible sort of...non-presence... it's safer. Its easier and faster for me to fade away and dissociate when I was barely here to begin with.
She asked me if I'd like to be more real-- more defined--more like the others. I did say yes. That would be nice. Now that honestly, the dissociating trick isn't REALLY necessary anymore (I just THINK it is), it would be rather good to be a really person, to be like everyone else.
But how?
How do I figure out who I am? Anything I've ever liked, from what I want for dinner to what movie I watch, is because of what someone inside wants. IE: "What do you want to eat for supper?" Well... Mae says she wants macaroni and cheese; the boys are hungry for hamburgers. What do I want? I dont know. I dont even really taste food. Its just sort of there. So I say, "Either macaroni and cheese or hamburgers sound good." or, "What do you want to do tonight?" Well I know Carolineine is really tired, Mae needs to play, Jo needs to do something quiet. Probably staying home and playing a game with our DH would be a good idea. What do I want to do? I just want to stay out of trouble and try to keep everyone happy.
I have filled out dozens of those memes and survery forms, and even the MMPI one summer. Taking that was a challenge. We were switching so much that the test was finished by 4 of us. The same goes with quizzes and online personality tests, things like that. We all answer. If it were up to just me to answer questions, I don't think I could do it-- the answers would elude me.
How do I figure this out?

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


i think for any person the best way to figure out who you are is to just experience life. for most people becoming who you are happens over many, many years. some people never ever find out, often clouded by the expectations of their family, friends, bosses, etc. the best thing to do is to just try something new ... just small. from there YOU will be able to say "i like that" or i don't like that" and so it will continue. good luck and most importantly HAVE FUN. :-D

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