Not doing so great

Been worrying constantly so we always have a bad stomach ache and always nauseous. Having nightmares about ex-boyfriend every night and all the abuse he did and all the bad things he said and did. About how we kept saying we could handle it when we knew we were in over our heads.
Keep waking up all night long. Too much chaos inside all the time, too many flashbacks. Tonight therapy sucked. Mae needed to talk really bad and went in to talk to our T all upset. To didn't want to talk to her, said she needed to talk to grown ups. She thinks we're losing weight, we look thinner, food logs dont look very good, etc etc etc. She knows we do eating disorder things when we're stressed. STRESSED? NO SHIT. Constant stress between Carolineine trying to do report cards at work and worrying constantly about the safety of loved ones and Mae having flashbacks and being worried about going home for Christmas. It just never ends. T tonight was supposed to about how we can't save people for them. That other people we want to protect are grown ups and have to make decisions for themselves. Even my sister.
We can't live with that.
If anything ever happens to my sister I will never be able to live with myself.
So T pushed and pushed and pushed for talking and answers until we were laying face down on the couch and shut down.
Then the session got worse from there.
Then Mae wouldn't let a grown up drive her home.
And T was going to call the police if a grown up didn't come to drive us all home.
Mae wouldn't leave.
So T was being just as stubborn as her . Then Missy freaked out and yelled at Mae and said she was going to have a TALK with her and made Mae apologize for being bad and selfish
and T didn't want an apology of course, she just wanted Mae to... i dont know. Work together inside
Then Missy got all pissed off with Mae, and told her that because she was being bad and selfish and wanted to talk to T and kept asking and then didn't want to leave, Santa is going to take back her Christmas presents.
So Mae has been crying over that.
And she wrote us all a letter saying how sorry she is and wrote a letter to Santa saying to please find a gooder girl to give her presents to and she is all worked up tonight
and Jo is wanting to die
and the rest of us are just exhausted
and dont know how we're going to make it
and just want to give up.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


Well, I understand that Mae's actions can cause trouble, but I have to admit that I admire her. She knows who she is and what she wants. Even her terrors are very specific, thus will gradually be overcome as she talks about them and faces them. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! for Mae and for all of you. It's hard not to be able to save others. I REALLY understand that. But when we are a tender-hearted life form, we bruise easily- for others as well as ourselves. Hang in there, please. You are important.

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