I'll do anything I can

Today I was thinking about how much has changed in the last 10 years of our life.
Its too much to list here, but no matter how much we are still struggling inside with a lot of things, our life is so much than it was in 1997.
Back then we were still living at home.
Still very entrenched in anorexia and I knew I was going to die from it. Every night when I went to bed, I really expected that I wouldn't be able to get up the next morning.
I would scream into my pillow when I was at home alone because I was so miserable and had so much bad stuff inside that I didn't have any way to get it out. I was cutting and doing all sorts of really stupid eating disorder behaviors. I was hearing a child's voice in my head almost all the time crying, "Mommy? Mommy?" (it turned out to be Mae, but I didn't know it back then.)
I also had my ex-boyfriend stalking me. I had a restraining order, but he didn't care. The police in the town were on his side and thought it was all a big joke, so they didn't do anything.
I didn't know how to escape.
I was miserable and trapped and I didn't know what to do.
For a long time I thought "I'd do anything" to get out of those situations. I was so desperately miserable. I even started taking medication secretly... some sort of antidepressant... but it didn't work. Probably since I was starving my brain and at a very low weight, that didn't help any.
I kept thinking, "I'd do anything."

I've had situations like that happen in the past 10 years as well. Miserable situations that I have been put in, or have gotten myself into. Situations where I've been so miserable and depressed that I kept thinking, "I'd do anything to get out of this."

I have had a few people ask me, "HOW did you do it? How did you get out of those things? What made the difference?"

Today I think I finally figured out what the difference was.
I think it was the day in any of those situations when something inside me finally snapped. When I finally got miserable enough, sad enough, depressed enough, when I stopped saying, "I would do anything," to get out... to "I'm GOING to do anything to get out."
The moment when I stopped thinking "I can't take this anymore" and started thinking, "I'm NOT going to take this anymore."
The day when it seemed I had too many obstacles in my way to change... to realizing I wasn't going to let any of those obstacles remain in my way anymore. I realized..The people who used to stop you from doing what you truly wanted to do no longer have the power to stop you from living your dream.
THAT was how I changed things. That was how I got out. How I changed myself.
It was funny, how things would change inside after that moment. When something would click
for me. From, "I can't do this" to "I'm going to do this." From "No one will let me do this" to "I'm not going to let anyone stop me." Once I'd finally had enough, truly, the decision was obvious.
The thing is, I finally had to get sick enough of where I was at. And that was pretty damn sick. And pretty damn tired. I would sink lower and lower. And then lower still. Several times it was to the point where I felt that I was dying-- and a couple times, where I was told I was going to die if I didn't do something right away. And then, because I am who I am... I would take it just a little bit further, a little bit more miserable, a little bit more scary. Then finally I would reach my saturation point and get my butt in gear and do what I knew I really needed to do.
Notice how I still do it? But at least I know now that eventually I'll get sick enough of what I'm doing, and then I'll have the guts to do what I need to know.
I'm even facing a situation like that right now-- with eating disorder recovery. Something scary. I know what I need to do, at least I'm pretty sure I am. I just need to get sick and tired of being sick and tired first. Right now with it I'm still saying "I would do anything" to get over this particular thing. But I feel like I am not far away from saying "I'm GOING to do anything I can".

Yesterday, I ate a candy bar for the 1st time since 1986. That makes 21 years. Its a start.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


Congratulations on your ever-increasing success in life. Your mind set really did make a difference and is encouraging to me as well as, I'm sure, many others. Good for you.

wow. that was incredibly inspirational.

i've always known that the only way up, or out depending on your perspective, is when there is no more down.

i never thought of my own weight problems in this manner until i read this entry.

thank you.

Congratulations on finding that "secret" to success!! Also congrats on the candy bar!! Wishing you the best on keeping on keeping on!

peace and blessings


oh, My gawd, I just have to post to a blog that congratulates each other on eating a candy bar! I arrive on this site because I am exploring a DID diagnosis for myself and I thought I'd peep in. I recently found I have Asperger's Syndrome as (which means all my inner family have asperger's syndrome, too, so we are all stranger shy of each other)
Hi, I'm Merle and I will just sit quietly and read and listen to you talk.


"theres no shame in being a social pariah!"
Marge Simpson

I say a prayer at bedtime tonight for you cayse I am just a little girl, but no one believes me anymore cause I grew up. i think you are very brave to write so well. Jesus makes me feel better and my bankie since I wont ever have a mommy and i cry still a lot. Please, please LIVE!!!! I need someone to show me how to grow up and you help me cause i can see what you mean that no one can tell you what to do even if they think they can when you dicide it doesnt matter what they think or will do to you if you do what youthink is best at the time. I am scared a lot, but the hardest thing to grow up is to decide i am not even scard of growing up and being happy even if no one wants me. I can want me and JEsus wants me and you too. I want to hug you cause you have a fhard life and i understnd about it. maybe we just want a family so we make one inside to feel better because we wish we were wanted you and me. you are a good , smart girl and writer and I look up to you a lot, please keep trying to love you, k?

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