Maybe it doesn't actually matter

Since Christmas with my family I have been thinking a lot. Maybe it doesn't matter if I actually "recover" from my eating disorder or from any of the other stuff or not. Maybe its just a lifestyle now. Maybe its just how I am. Maybe cutting is just something I do. Maybe DID is just something I have. Maybe throwing up is just an occassional bad habit. Maybe none of this matters.
I mean really, I spend most of my time alone. I don't have real friends. I don't have someone to talk to about all the stuff in my head. I have a life full of secrets. There isn't a person on earth who knows the real me.No one knows that I go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Sharon knew some, but she's gone and she doesn't give a damn, if she ever did. My life is full of secrecy. When I have a problem, I can scream all day, but there isn't anyone to hear me. I did that tonight. I cried out loud all evening, but it was just between me and Jesus, and I'm still waiting for him to show up.
I tried calling my husband at work instead of cutting, but when he got home, he was just upset about it. So I will NOT be doing that again. Now I just feel stupid for trying to reach out to anyone for once instead of cutting. What would have been the real harm in cutting in the 1st place?
All I want is for someone to talk to. All I want is a real friend. Someone to be there for me when I need them. But it never comes.
Maybe it doesn't actually matter that I'm like this. I don't know anymore. As long as I'm in the bathroom and being one knows anyway. Its not like there's anyone to report me to. No one can go tell Sharon or Caroline Ann anymore. No one can go say "Pilgrim's doing this" and get me in trouble.
I just want to go home. To heaven. I keep waiting, and waiting. All those years I kept telling Sharon "I want to go home", she always kept thinking I meant back to when I was tiny, and I did, but mostly I mean, back to where I belong, because I never belonged on this planet in the 1st place.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:



Your post really struck a chord with me, and I wish mentally I were in a place where I could give you appropriate feedback.

Just know, please, that I hear your pain and suffering and it won't always be this way. You've probably had ups and downs in your life. You can have those "up" times again; it will just take time.

E-mail me anytime. I'm more than happy to e-talk with each other. Take care.


I know it's hard right now but please don't do anything "stupid"...
I'm on the same level as you, yes cutting is bad but maybe it's better for you to cut than to do drugs for exemple.
I, too, am a friendless person and I cry a lot in the bathroom at work. I keep telling everyone I got "allergies"...
I wish we could be together, we seem so alike.
Try to take it slow and keep praying and doing art.

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