October 20, 2005

Hunger hurts but starving works....

I love the song "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple. That line just sticks with me.... "hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love."

I met Nikki today... well, tonight I guess. She left a message on my xanga.com journal and we found out we were not only from the same city, but went to the same gym. Small world. She's anorexic as well. We were gonna go get coffee, but Moxie's was closed so we just went to her apartment and hung out there for a few hours. I'm amazed at just how many things we have in common. It was so easy to talk to her... she understood me.

The thing that just really surprised me though, is that we were talking about being anorexic and I said something about how I felt so incredibly fat next to her, cause she was so tiny. And then she says she was thinking that same thing about ME. WTF??? So then, she asked what I weigh, and I told her. Turns out we are within 5 pounds of one another. So how can she look so thin, and I look so gigantic when we are the same exact height, pretty much the same weight? I don't get it.

The thing with Nic though, is that she is more in the recovery mindset than I am. Her personal trainer at the gym (Nathan) has her on a meal plan almost identical to the one Marcus had me on (like 1700 calories a day). She's been doing pretty well with following it, and said in the last 10 days, she hasn't gained even a pound.

That doesn't make any sense to me what-so-ever. I simply can not comprehend how one can eat and stay the same exact weight. Marcus won't work with me anymore cause I've lost about 25 pounds since I first saw him. I won't follow the meal plan, even if I start out the day with every intention of doing it. I simply can't. As I start to fill in the list for my 'daily intake' the anxiety grows. As the calories pass 500 and then edge closer and closer to 800 I freak out. I think the highest calorie intake I ever had was about 600-700 for the day. And then I'd freak out, purge the last thing I ate and go on a total water-coffee-diet soda fast the following day.

Anyway, Nic and I talked about a lot of things. And it really surprised me that she could feel bad for NOT eating all she should have (still 900 calories short for the day). My mind twists that all around and I feel ELATED if I fall short. I feel guilt and... I dunno... hate and anger at myself if I DO eat. At 1700 calories, Marcus said I'm still 7-800 calories short of where he wants me to be. I was barely able to do 1/3 of that and the guilt was horrendous.

I had Monday and Tuesday off for Fall Break. I should have gone to Judy's both of those days-- just to do homework or whatever, so at least so I wouldn't be home by myself all day long. But instead, I stayed home, trapped by my disorder and all the things associated with it. NOT a good thing. I spent the entire day in this semi-disociative state. Like I was watching myself go through the motions of life. I tried to eat on Monday.... just a small salad. Felt so damn guilty over those measly 50 calories, that I had to get rid of it. Which set me up for fasting most of this week. Tuesday, the thoughts of cutting intensified, and I've been considering the thought all week long... haven't yet done it.... but damn.... it's getting stronger all the time.

I need to stop thinking. I need to go to sleep. I've been sleeping so horribly the last week or so--- even worse than before.....

Posted by Wendy on October 20, 2005 11:07 PM


hey. e-mail me if ya need a buddy

Posted by: nikki at September 6, 2007 12:27 PM

"Hunger hurts but starving works". EVERYONE seems to be interpreting these lyrics wrong! All she is saying is even though she hungers for love, she would rather be alone than put up with all the hassle.

Sorry to pick, but that song and "Criminal" are some of my all time favorites for lyrics.

Posted by: Devon in Orlando at April 29, 2008 7:07 PM

Never heard back from you. I was curious what you thought of the interpretation.

Posted by: Devon in Orlando at April 30, 2008 10:59 AM

Hey Devon--
I think the lyrics can be interpreted in a number of ways. That's the beauty of Apple's writing, and for me-- that's when I know the writing is good. You can have 5 different people read the same thing and come away with five different interpretations of it, based on how it fits with their own lives and experiences. Some people may read the lyrics in terms of a relationship; some from an eating disorder perspective. And some read it from both, because of the fact that over time the ED becomes a relationship of sorts between the disease and the sufferer.
For me personally-- I can see it from both.

Posted by: Wendy at June 21, 2008 9:01 AM