October 21, 2005

Just another lonely day

Another one of those days again. I should have gone to class this morning-- even if it would only have been a temporary reprieve from the torrent of thoughts that are consuming my life these days. I felt so weak, so exhausted this morning that I could barely get out of bed.

I'm now sitting on the couch, wrapped up in numerous blankets, drinking my coffee and trying to stay warm. It's so damn cold here. So cold. My nails are purple. I can live with the anorexia. I can't live with being cold. That's one thing I can not stand. It's like once I get cold, I can't warm up. It's the sort of cold that goes right to the bone.

I need out of my head. It's going to be a long day-- I can already tell. I should go out to Judy's house today--- cause I know I shouldn't be alone.... but there's a part of me that says I shouldn't take up her time like that...especially on her day off. I should be able to be by myself without needing someone else there to keep me safe...well, from ME. Judy will probably disagree with me... but... I dunno.

How can I want both health and recovery to the same degree? How can I find safety... shelter in this madness? The last 16 years I've spent my days in a state of dichotomous thinking. Black and White. All or Nothing. I contradict myself with everything, find justification for every action. Even if my reasons are far from logical, they make perfect sense to me. I don't know how to explain this. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
I just need out of my head for awhile, and writing just isn't working today. At least not right now. Cutting seems like a better choice....

Posted by Wendy on October 21, 2005 9:36 AM


all and nothing. black and white.

Hey antonio---
yep.. that's my life.

Posted by: antonio at October 21, 2005 11:52 AM

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