October 13, 2005

So Many Thoughts

It's been a long week. Too long, in fact. I feel like I'm suspended somewhere in time, while the world moves on without me. It's a lonely feeling, being stuck here-- yet unable to pull myself out of these depths.

Why is it so hard for me to give this all up? What is it that keeps me going back to it time and time again, and making excuses, justifications for what I do and why I do it? It sounds so simple. Just eat. It's so much more than that. So much in fact, that I don't even know where to begin.

I feel a little lost. A LOT lost. Like a drifter in a dream, floating on clouds of illusion and... confusion. I could give a hundred different reasons for why I keep this up. But none of them are justifiable in the outside world. I say I want to be thin, but that's only a small part of all of this. I say I want to be understood, yet half the time I don't understand myself. I say I just want to be ME, yet, I'm not really sure who that is. I say I want to live my own life, yet I don't know what I want that to be.

I don't want to be what everyone else says I should be. I'm tired of having to live up to standards I can't meet. My family, but also myself. I make standards for myself that are far higher than anyone else can hold above me, yet it's everyone else's standards that affect me most. If I don't reach them, I've failed. At least with my own standards, they're on my own time table and there's not necessarily a specific time frame for reaching them, so long as I do.

I don't even know what I'm thinking right now.

Posted by Wendy on October 13, 2005 8:51 AM