October 20, 2005

Too many thoughts

It's been a long week. So many thoughts, yet I haven't felt like digging through them all, hence the reason I haven't posted lately. The days come and go, one passing right into the next. Yet the days drag on. I'm down to 150mg on the Effexor, and I can already tell a difference. I'm not so sure it's a good difference however, as the last two weeks have seemed a lot harder to get through. I think about cutting more often (though, it's been two weeks or so since I've done it). It's on my mind more and more each day and I know it's only going to be a matter of days before I'm not strong enough anymore to fight against it. I feel guilty everytime I do it, but it's also a relief in a way.

I feel guilty anytime I eat anything. And I mean ANYthing. If it's not coffee or tea or diet soda, I purge. I hate doing it. I hate it and hate myself a little more everytime I do it. The scale says I'm losing more weight, but I don't see it. In my eyes, I'm only getting bigger by the day, taking up more space than I deserve.

Pete said the other day that he doesn't want to see me break... said that he can see me destroying myself a little more each day. And all I could do was whisper a quiet, "I know...". He never said I am losing weight, cause I guess he thought that would be triggering for me or something, but said he can tell that all my clothes are bigger now. Even jeans I just bought a month ago or so are nearly falling off my hips.

So why the hell am I blind to my own self-destruction? There's a part of me that knows exactly what I am doing to myself and exactly what the outcome could potentially be. But there's still that invincibility ideology stuck inside my head that I'm not going to die. I'm fine. I'm not sick. To be sick, one would have to be "thin" and I'm nowhere near that yet. I've been within 48 hours of death-- literally-- and I'm still here. Still breathing, still going to school and working and running. I'm still alive. And because of that--I keep thinking if I can be THAT close to death and still survive, then I am stronger than my physical self. As though telling myself that will somehow make it true. Maybe this is just me trying to convince myself that the irrationality of my ways is, in fact, quite rational. I can justify anything I do. I don't know though if it's justification or merely excuses.

Pete asked if the reason behind all this is due to the fact that going inpatient is only a couple of months off. January is the month I agreed on with Pete. So, because I made that promise already, I know I can't turn back, and I'm bound and determined to go inpatient at an "acceptable" weight... somewhere in the 90-pound range. I've got a little ways to go yet, but going by numbers--- I'm really not all THAT far off.

Haven't eaten since hmmm... Monday or Tuesday. For me it's either totally starve, or puke. And I'd rather starve. If I'm going inpatient, at least that way I'll deserve to be there, taking up space that someone else deserves more than me (which pretty much means anyone else on the planet).

Yesterday Judy and I had a little "discussion" about the Effexor. She doesn't think I should go off of it. Says it's not a good time for me. I know she's right, but I can NOT justify spending nearly $200 a month on myself. I can't do it. Not for meds or anything else. I don't remember what it's like NOT being on the meds, so (in my naive hypothesis) I keep thinking things will be different now. And I won't know for SURE unless I stop taking the meds. Also, the thought of having to take meds everyday just to keep me functional is a bit depressing. Sorta counteracts the reason I take it in the first place....

ugh.. I don't know.. I need to get to class...

Posted by Wendy on October 20, 2005 2:56 PM


Hey my name's Hannah and I read your online journal as a reminder for me that I'm not alone, and that other people are struggling too and think the same things I do. So you should know this too. so many people are struggling and you're not alone, and I totally understand what you're saying. It's so tough being confused all the time, and feeling so extremely guilty but you cant understand why and don't know why youre crying. The only thing I can say really is be brave, and try to think of what you really want. You can't get better if you don't want to, and you definately don't deserve to keep suffering. If you ever feel like you just need someone to understand you, i'll be here. stay strong.
Thanks Hannah--
It's hard to remember at times that I am not the only one who has to deal with this 24/7, and that (sadly) there are other people out there whose lives are nearly identical to mine (at least in some aspects).


Posted by: Hannah at October 21, 2005 7:18 PM