March 15, 2006

Another update overdue

I feel like I've been stuck on auto-pilot this week. Empty. Numb. And yet--sometimes the feelings are so intense, so raw, that I don't know where to begin in dealing with it all, myself included. Yet it's too much to handle at once. There's this overwhelming need to write or paint or cry or run. But the words don't come, the picture is never complete and I'm afraid if I start crying, I'll never stop. So I run or cut instead. And I do it to avoid, to hide, to escape from my own mind and all the feelings still left inside that I haven't yet named. Get through the days by shutting down. Auto-pilot. Numb. Whatever you want to call it. And it's fucked up. I'm not here to hide from everything, to avoid everything. I shouldn't be trying to fight it. It's easier to say that from an objective distance when I'm not right in the middle of it.

I feel like I've reached the breaking point-- once again. Sink or swim, fall or fly-- yet always unsure of the direction I'm headed. I've been here before though. Numerous times. I want "recovery" --just as much, just as intensely-- as I want to hold onto the eating disorder, but neither option feels safe right now. And maybe that's part of the problem. I need my "safety" back again. So I'm grasping at straws, the ends of the rope dangling in front of me, always just out of reach. I can't go back to where I've been, but yet the uncertainty of what lies ahead is just as frightening.

Sometimes I wonder if my fear with eating... with food... is in the knowledge that by normalizing my eating, the more 'feminine' body will eventually arrive. I've been avoiding that my whole life. Fucking around with biology and basic human necessity in order to prevent the inevitable. As though in my own disappearance-- all the guilt or shame or whatever you want to call it-- would disappear along with it.

That in and of itself brings up a whole other set of issues that I've tried to push away most of my life. But it's only temporary. The thoughts are still there, the overwhelming feelings that I've never been able to identify, the self-hatred. All there. And it's hard sitting in session and talking about certain things, when I'm fighting myself just to "stay" there. So much easier to just "go away" until the session is over and the topic ceases. But in the end-- the fix is only temporary.

Small equals safe, in my world. The smaller I could become, the less there was of me to take up space. I didn't want to die, necessarily, but rather, just disappear. If you don't let people in; if you don't let people get close; if you make yourself disappear (or at least get as close to disappearance as possible), then no one can hurt you. Use you.

I don't know. There are days I'm finding it harder and harder to care. Half of me DOES want to get past all of this, and the other half just doesn't give a shitanymore. I've dealt with it this long, why bother changing that? Cause staying where you're at is any better? Easier? Weak is taking the easy way out. When I'm in that place of self-doubt and indecision, self-destruction-- in whatever way possible-- seems the road most inviting. I haven't cut or purged in over 5 weeks, and maybe that's where the restricting comes in. When my two biggest coping mechanisms aren't really an option, that only opens the door for something else to step in. And short of getting drunk every night or getting high, or getting hooked on vicodin or other painkillers again, restricting seems the better of the two.

When I'm overwhelmed by unexplainable thoughts and undecipherable feelings, I retreat to a place of safety I created somewhere inside. A place of silence, calm when chaos surrounds me. No one can hurt, touch me, reach me here. Safety in silence, in shadows, inside the mind. Where you control all, and no one controls you. Safety when the external world becomes too much to handle. Sometimes I wonder if my attempt at explaining things to myself is really only allowing me to succeed in creating more confusion within my own head.

Posted by Wendy on March 15, 2006 7:33 PM


really now. i read your stories and wonder why? why is your life this way? why did you let it get this far? why can't you see that purging and cutting are NOT normal nor healthy facets to express your misery? why does your body image make up your entire entity? anorexics do not look good, they look freaky, unhealthy, sick and no one wants to be friends with them. life is not like this this vicious cylce that you call your life.

Posted by: mary at March 20, 2006 1:18 PM

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