March 22, 2006

Looking Ahead

I can't wait for this weekend! Wow-- that's a statement you won't hear me saying too often.

But Pete is coming up to visit for a few days and will be here sometime early afternoon on Friday. I'm excited. I miss home and everything about it. But I know that-- at least for right now-- this is where I need to be. I was aiming to be out of here by the first week of April--- but as that is next week already, that is NOT going to happen. Maybe the end of April. I'd like to be out of here by May, though.

It's so weird to think that by the time I get home, the seasons will have totally changed. I left just at the beginning of our "winter" season in January (which is usually when Nebraska starts getting all their shitty weather) and when I return, it will be headed towards summer. Spring in Nebraska is beautiful --- and I will have missed it almost completely. In a strange sort of way, it's like being stuck in this alter-universe, this time-warp. My entire life has been put on hold basically for the last 3 months (four, by the time I return), yet everyone and everything at home has still been moving on without me. It's weird. But when I think of how many YEARS I've given up to the eating disorder, four months doesn't really seem all that long in comparison.

The days go by fairly quickly here-- at least in retrospect. Some days never seem to end, but time just keeps moving on. Time is one of those things you can never really understand. It's the only constant thing ANY of us has, and yet at the same time, it's the one thing that is forever changing. You can't stop time. You can't accelerate it. You can only sit with it as it goes by, and hope you don't go mental in the process.

I spend too much time looking foward to the future, too much time looking back on the past, but not enough time just enjoying the moments HERE and NOW, for what they're worth. Maybe the old adage is true: the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But ya know what? Even when it seems better over there-- they still gotta mow it, too. (hee hee hee).

I'm currently in this wierd state of being where I want so desperately to move past all of this-- yet at the same time, I want to hold onto everything I've known all these years. I don't really HAVE (or maybe, just don't remember) a beginning point for the eating disorder where I can look back and divide my life into a "before" or an "after". It's always just been there. I don't know what normal is for me, cause for all these years, normal WAS the eating disorder. That was MY normal. I don't have that point of reference where I can say "I want to go back to how it used to be... BEFORE". Cause that point just isn't there. In a strange sort of way, I think people who have that point of reference have it a bit easier than those of us who don't. They at least can remember what living was really like.

I dunno--- I drive myself crazy with my own circular pattern of thoughts these days. Everything has a justification, a reason. But reasons on both ends of the spectrum and I have a hell of a time figuring out which one is the truth. Even trying to negate the negative thoughts with more positive ones leads to opposing thoughts negating the positive ones-- if that makes any sense. Perhaps I should just stop. I'm starting to confuse myself with my own random ramblings.

Posted by Wendy on March 22, 2006 4:16 PM

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