March 18, 2006

Tough Days

March 15, 2006

I hate being in this place of ambiguity. Of not caring... of wanting everything yet nothing at all. I don't know. Lately I'm finding it hard to even want to be here. I start second-guessing myself, questioning my decision to be here. Wondering if maybe it's better to just stay where I'm at, than fighting to change everything. Everything I do these days ends up in this internal battle in my head. Half of me wants to do what I'm "supposed to" or what I know I need to do, and the other half of me just wants to say screw it all. But at the same time-- I don't want that. Fuck. And with everything in the house changing--- new people coming, other people leaving-- I'm finding it less and less "safe". I don't deal well with change, especially when it's people. Environment is one thing; people are different.

It seems I had just finally gotten to the point where I felt like I knew people fairly well, and had built a friendship with Brooke and I was more comfortable talking in group and opening up about things. But now that most of the group is new--- that safety, security I had just a couple of weeks ago is gone. I'm the sort of person who doesn't ask for help, let alone admit it in the first place. I have to be the "strong" one. I feel bad just going into session and venting about one thing or another or talking about things when I'm not in a good place, mentally/emotionally. Like I have to be the "good" client here. The one who is always ok, and always moving forward. I'm the same way with Judy back home. And I know that's not the expectation. I know (on some level) that I'm allowed to have "bad" days.... but I've always been one to deal with the bad days on my own. I guess my rationale for that, is because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. If I'm gonna fall, I'll do it on my own, cause no one else deserves that.

Yeah--- there are people here I DO trust-- but I don't feel like I could just go to one of the staff outside a scheduled appointment time. I don't want to waste their time on something stupid. So I minimize everything. Tell myself to just get over it. I guess maybe it's just that I don't want anyone to think I'm whining or complaining about something trivial or stupid. Maybe the biggest thing right now is just feeling totally and completely alone in all of this. Yeah, there are other people here-- but it's that lonely-in-a-crowd of people sort of thing.
And when I get to that place---- part of me just says fuck it all. Go on auto-pilot and simply just get through the days.

And I don't know how to get out of that..........

Posted by Wendy on March 18, 2006 1:53 PM


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