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October 21, 2006

A Long Road

I've been out of IP treatment for almost 4 months now.
Coming home and readjusting was almost harder than going in the first place. When you spend months and months, day after day in group therapy and individual therapy, and more or less relearing how to live a normal life-- going back to the old life, the old atmosphere, same influences is hard. It's hard to remember what direction I'm supposed to be going when it seems, at home, it only goes one way.

I still struggle on a daily basis, trying to get my calorie level even close to the minimum requirements. I've lost all the weight I'd gained over 6 months while IP, in less than 3 months. Therapist is not happy. Obviously. And while a part of me IS happy about it, (as the anxiety, depression etc. was the worst it's ever been, due to unaccepting the weight gain), a part of me is also worried. The ED thoughts are so much less intense, and I often don't think about food or weight or eating. But that in itself is an issue, because then I forget to eat. But losing the weight has never been easier. I didn't see it, didn't notice it. I'd managed (somehow) to convince myself that my clothes (from after IP) still fit the same, even as my husband and others made comments about how big they were getting. I denied it, made excuses.

And I'm still torn on being ok with where I'm at, and wanting to lose more weight. It's been so easy thus far, if I just keep doing what I'm doing, I'll lose it fast. But at the same time, I don't want to go back where I was. I can't do that again. Not just for me, but for my husband, my job, school---- all the people I've hurt over the years by the things I do to myself.

And yet--- even this knowledge doesn't keep me from wandering that same path.
It's a long road. Confusing. Lonely.
I'm just trying to make my way to the other side without losing myself in the process.

My friend, Alyssa Schukar, a photojournalist, is doing a project on eating disorders. She followed me around for several months, documenting my life on film. Even meeting me up in Canada at the treatment center. She's put up a mini-version of the project on her website

Click on the second photo that comes up, where it stays "Story". And see a small clip of the project.

Let me know what you think! Either here or via email---

Posted by Wendy at 1:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack