December 24, 2004

Long time, no write...

Wow, it has been so long since I wrote an entry in here. School has been so stressful, and on top of that I was really sick for about a month... I was out of school and everything. I had to go to the emergency room twice... and I just felt like I was dying. They never even figured out what it was, but as of now, I am better. As far as my bulimia goes... I'm trying. I am still working on it. It's a struggle every day, but I can definitely say that I have been doing a lot better than I was a few months ago. I am able to go a few days without any b/ping which is just awesome for me. I find that I am so much happier. The b/ping only brings a temporary happiness and then I just get down again. On days when I don't b/p, I am more likely to get up and shower and go out to do stuff. On days when I do b/p, I don't go out. I stay home because I feel fat and worthless. I have been able to identify some of the reasons that I b/p, and now I need to figure out ways to avoid those situations and feelings. I really hope I can beat this by the time I go into college because it'd be so hard to deal with when I am living with other people in an apartment or wherever. I am going to get an HIV test on January 3rd because I am really worried about it. I was raped last spring break, and with getting sick and just some other symptoms I've had, I think it's better to be safe than sorry. We're celebrating family Christmas today and I am worried about the whole food situation. We're only celebrating at my dad's today. Tomorrow I leave for Arizona with my mom, brother, and sister... so that's definitely going to be hard as far as b/ping goes. I will have no opportunity to because I will be with them in a hotel all the time... that's good though. Maybe that will help me fight it even more. I just hope it goes that way instead of just making me really frustrated. Only time will tell... Well, I still need to wrap some gifts, but I hope that every has a very merry Christmas! Take care :) Love, Ashley

Posted by babygoddess100 at 09:52 AM | Comments (0)

September 11, 2004

Doing a little better...

Well I have definitely been doing better.. I never made a meal plan like I said I was going to, but somehow I am still doing better. I think that the fact that I started school again is helping because I am there until 3 every day. Then I come home and do homework or sleep. I hope I don't jinx myself by writing this, haha. My mood is better since I've been handling the eating situation more. I am trying very hard. Though I haven't made a meal plan, I have still been able to eat regular meals and not b/p. I stop right when I am full and I don't eat when I am not hungry. I find things to keep my mind off of it. Since I haven't been purging, I am not eating as much as I should because I always feel guilty when I eat and keep it in me, but at least I am not purging. That actually puts me in a worse mood than not eating enough. Hopefully things keep going well... I am feeling very optimistic right now. :)

To Eldalote (I think that is how to spell it...): Thank you for your replies. I am not sure how to exchange e-mail addresses but I would definitely like to. We should figure out a way.

Posted by babygoddess100 at 07:13 PM | Comments (0)

August 31, 2004

It's been a while....

Sorry that I haven't written in here for so long. I was on vacation for a while, and when I got back, everything was hectic because of school starting up again this week. Things with me have been okay, I suppose. I am still taking it day by day. I don't know what happened with the last entries I posted in here. It kept telling me that they would not post but when I looked at my diary, they had posted. Sorry about that. When I was on vacation, I did a lot better with eating.. probably because I was with my family so it was a lot harder to b/p without them noticing. I learned something though. Eventhough I was able to do it because I kinda HAD to, it showed me that I do have the will power to beat this. I just need to find the right way to go about it. I got some nice messages from people on here, so I am going to take that advice and use it to the best of my ability. You know how before I became bulimic I was anorexic? (I think I may have said that at some point) Well, I still have the tendencies of that. It's like, I either eat and then purge it or I don't eat at all. So I had been trying to beat the bulimia by simply not eating because that way I wouldn't feel the need to purge. However, I realized that I won't be able to do it like that. You're probably thinking, 'And it took you THAT long to realize it??' but these disorders really mess with your mind. I am going to try to plan out my meals each day and maybe a little bit of exercising so that I don't feel so guilty. I have a feeling that when I leave for college I am going to lose a lot of weight because I only b/p when the food is around. I never go out and buy my own food to b/p with. So when college comes, it will be easy for me to not eat at all because I never have the urge to go out and buy the food. That's why I really need to get everything straight before I leave because I can't let myself fall back into this. Well, today... I am doing well so far... granted that I have only been up for about 2 hours... but even that is good for me. Usually I start bingeing within an hour of waking up. Another thing that is going to make me get my eating in order is that I just started this new medication that I have to take 4 times a day... and it has to be taken 1 hour before eating or 2-3 hours after eating. So I really can't b/p because then I won't be able to get 4 pills in 1 day. Well, that's all for now...

Posted by babygoddess100 at 10:51 AM | Comments (0)

August 05, 2004

Oh my gosh... I am

Oh my gosh... I am really mad right now because I just typed a really long entry and this stupid blogger thing keeps saying I have errors. I am getting really pissed right now. I am doing okay with b/ping. I did 2 times yesterday but before that I hadn't in a while. Now I am doing a cleansing fast so if I am able to do that, maybe it shows that I at least have SOME control over what I am eating. I can't even type this right now... I hate this stupid blogger site... it always messes up my entries. I will write later.

Posted by babygoddess100 at 11:11 AM | Comments (1)



Posted by babygoddess100 at 09:13 AM | Comments (0)