Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

August 26, 2004

This is me............

I've been sitting here for a little while staring at a blank screen. I'm not sure where to start. Do I write some background info. or do I just start where I am today? I always have a need to explain things - therefore, it wouldn't feel right without at least a very brief background update.

I'm 29. A teacher. Single. I started therapy about 5 years ago with an eating disorder therapist. Since I was a teenager, I had always suffered from severe depression. I went through 4 years of college as an anorexic. Bulimia followed after I graduated from college and I began teaching. So by the time I was 24, my body had taken a beating from years of living with eating disorders and I was struggling to find anything enjoyable about life. I worked with this eating disorder therapist for 3 years and my weight stabilized. Although, there were many ups and downs during those three years, including a suicide attempt and a week's stay in a psych ward. Then the real issues started to surface........memories of years of incest started started to come back. I decided to change therapists and began working with one in the field of incest recovery. For the past two years I have been working with Donna. The memories of incest have not been easy to deal with. It was almost a year and a half ago that my alters started making themselves known during therapy sessions. Since then, it has been a challenging journey. I have been IP in a treatment facility that specializes in trauma recovery and dissociation. It was there that I was diagnosed as having DID. It was very hard to accept myself as having DID. I have gotten a lot better at accepting it but I still have times that I go back into denial for a little while. I have worked hard at getting to know all of my alters. It has been key for my recovery that we work as a team. Some days are good and some days aren't. But we are trying. I hope that some of them will become aware of this place so they can come write about what's going on with them.

As for our name - butterflyteam:
I have become obsessed with the symbol of a butterfly to represent the changes I am going through. I am so drawn to anything with a butterfly on it. The Inpatient Program that I was in several times uses the symbol of a butterfly as well. When you leave the program, they give you a butterfly pin and encourage you to go out and spread your beautiful wings. I use the butterfly as my symbol because it represents transformation and rebirth. I added the word team because I have been focusing on connecting with my alters and finding ways for all of us to work together as a team, thus was born........butterflyteam.

The Butterfly Story
"One day a man saw a butterfly shuddering on the sidewalk. It was locked in a seemingly helpless struggle to free itself from its now useless cocoon.Feeling pity, he took a pocket knife and carefully cut away the cocoon to set the butterfly free.To his dismay, it lay on the sidewalk and convulsed weakly for a while then died.A biologist later told him, "That was the worst thing you could have done. A butterfly needs that struggle to develop the muscles to fly. By robbing him of the struggle, you made him too weak to live."

I have a plaque with this quote sitting on my desk:
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." ~ Maya Angelou

I do my best to hold on tight to the fact that one day I will consider myself a beautiful person - inside and out - because of all the healing and changes I am going through.

Posted by Butterflyteam on August 26, 2004 8:14 PM


Hi there Butterfly Team,
I know this is late, but I just started reading your journal and I like to start at the beginning...
I just have to write that I love the quote by Maya Angelou and I get the connection to DID. I believe I saw you on AMJ but don't remember specifics.
I'll be checking in to catch up with you and would be happy to connect with you all.
Hugs and Blessings, Judy

Posted by: Judy at January 30, 2005 5:07 AM

Hi Judy,
Thank you for reading. Yes, I believe I've seen you at AMJ as well. I'm a moderator there and have been there since the beginning with Pigrim. I appreciate it that you took the time to read and send this comment to let me know you were reading. Feel free to ask any questions. Take care.

Posted by: butterflyteam at January 30, 2005 2:25 PM

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