Main » December 2004

December 31, 2004


There are only a few more hours left in the year 2004. I realize that I have not written at all during the month of December. Aside from the normal stress of the "holiday" season, it has been a very difficult month. I have had a lot of new memories and I am have been struggling a great deal. I think about coming here to write often, however, I never seem to make myself do it. I do realize that it would probably help me to write about what is going on and to just get it out of me. But when I'm feeling so low and hopeless like I have been feeling, there's really no other way to put "I really wish I wasn't alive." I mean how many times can I write that? I looked back at a few other times I wrote and I get so annoyed at myself for being so pathetic. I feel like people who may be reading this will be like - shut up already! But you know what? I may need to write those things right now. And I may need to write them over and over again. I keep thinking about the people reading my posts, and although I find it a great plus that people can learn about DID and what recovery from abuse is like, this diary really has to be for me. I need a place to come on a regular basis and just write down the thoughts in my head. I think it might help to just get them out of me. I need to make a commitment to myself to come here on a more regular basis and just write about what is going on and what thoughts are going through my head (even if I end up saying the same pathetic things over and over).

It is New Year's Eve. I have always hated this day. I am aware of some of the reasons why I hate it, however, some memories are still trapped inside being held either by an alter or my body. (The body memories have been really tough lately.) I was thinking about why people even celebrate today. I am so used to thinking in a negative way that it is so hard to think otherwise. I guess some people take this opportunity to look back on the year and be grateful for all the good things that happened and then choose to celebrate the start of something new - a brand new year full of endless possibilities. I find myself looking at the year to come as a burden; something I just don't want to be part of. I HATE it that I think this way. But I do. I really need to work on changing this way of thinking. I suppose keeping a gratitude journal might help. I have tried that before. It does work a little, however I never seem to be able to stick with it. I think I might try it again. Maybe I could add on the gratitude piece at the end of posts here. I think to myself - is it possible to even change this way of thinking? Maybe. Maybe not. I need to go back to my WIIT notebook and look these things up. I think there are some articles in there about this.

Well, I don't make new year resolutions. I think it's kind of dumb because people don't stick to them and I never saw the point in waiting for a "new year" to change something in yourself that you want to change. But I do need to make a more proactive plan for my recovery. I have been floundering lately and it's only getting worse and worse. So, one part of my plan is to come here and write more often. Until next time.......

Happy New Year.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 4:52 PM

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