Main » December 2005

December 11, 2005

looking for an escape....

I feel like I want to write but all of my thoughts are so jumbled up that I don't know if I'd make sense. I want to say that I feel overwhelmed but I'm not sure with what. Last week seemed much busier for me because I had report card conferences and I was stressed about a lot of stuff at school. After conferences, things calm down a bit at school so I'm not sure what I'm overwhelmed about. Let's see. Well, Christmas is 2 weeks away and there's a lot to do associated with that I suppose. Tomorrow is a triggering day for me (12/12). I know parts inside are very anxious, particularly Samantha. It's Sunday night and I have that back to school anxiety - which I still don't understand because there's nothing at school to be nervous about. This week isn't too bad. We have 2 field trips - one of which to see the movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. We read the book in class and are now going to see the movie on Wednesday. I just have this anxiety about.....I don't know - "going out into the world". I feel like just hiding inside my apartment. Earlier tonight I was feeling overwhelmed by life - stupid stuff that I can even pinpoint. I just had this feeling of not wanting to do anything or feel anything. And then my thoguhts went to not eating. My whole thought process went to "I can't deal with everything going in my life and if I can put all of my focus into not eating and if that could be the ONLY thing I think about, then I won't have to think about anything else going on or deal with anything else I'm feeling." It seems like such a good plan but I know it only works temporarily and then it only ends up just making everything else worse. I just have this intense need to hide and escape from everything. I think it comes down to being so afraid to I'm so tired of being afraid. :(

Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:17 PM

December 3, 2005

shame and guilt...

I was watching an episode of Starting Over that I had taped from earlier this week and they were talking about the cycle of shame and guilt. It was explained that shame comes from the outside and is projected onto you and it says there is something wrong with who you are. And because you hold that belief that something is wrong with you, then there is something wrong with almost everything you do. Then there is usually guilt because you feel there is something wrong with what you have done and that usually leads to the feeling that you need to be punished. This cycle of shame and guilt goes on and on until you begin to understand how it cycles in your own belief system and you choose to take steps to stop the cycle.

Shame and guilt are a big part of my story. I have been thinking about it and trying to put into words how it cycles in my own belief system. The shame definitely came from my abusers and was projected onto me. I was not born with it. But I certainly internalized it and it has made a very comfortable home inside of me. And because I continue to choose to let it stay there, I constantly feel guilt over so many of my behaviors because I feel like there is something wrong with almost everything I do because there is something wrong with me.

I can see how this cycle will carry on until I find ways and make choices to let go of the shame. But it's hard. Why do I know in my head that this feeling that there is something wrong with me was from my abusers and projected onto me but I feel in my heart that it no longer comes from the outside but from me? I have taken their shame and turned into my own. That's how powerful abuse is. This part even seems somehow more painful that the physical acts of the abuse. That's beause this part still lives on today. I feel I have escaped the physical acts, however the mental ones continue day in and day out. And because they have continued for so many years, they have strengthed so much. How do I let go? If for almost 30 years I have had the belief that something is wrong with me, how do I just stop believing that?

Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:27 PM

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