Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

May 17, 2006

feeling "not in control"......

i feel scared right now. i didn't sleep well. i had bad dreams. i guess i feel angry too. angry at myself. not sure if i have a valid reason to be angry at myself or whether it's just habit.

i was doing ok on monday and during the day yesterday. even though i was feeling things - hard things (shame and terror) - i still felt pretty grounded and in control. starting last night and now this morning, everything feels so out of control; mainly my feelings. i'm feeling a lot of the things i've felt the last two days but i don't feel as grounded and all of the feelings seem unmanageable and out of control. i wonder if it's everyone or some inside who are acting up. the thing feels different than usual. and that's what is scaring me the most. i'm beginning to have a much more difficult time determining when it's alters and when it's me feeling. it's feels like it's more and more of ME feeling. and i don't even think i can explain in words how terrifying that is.

this "not in control" feeling is the worst. this is what happened last week. i felt like this and then so much anger came up. i feel like there's a ton of anger boiling inside and i'm trying so hard (unconsciously, i think) to keep a lid on it. i feel that "not being able to sit still" feeling. that's usually sam. but i don't sense him around; just the feelings. so is it him or really me feeling it? yes - i already know the answer to that. if it was him, it would still be me so it doesn't really matter figuring out who it is. technically it's all me.

i feel like i need to scream. i'm not sure i ever said that before. i'm also not sure i could ever do it.

somebody, please make this all stop!!!!

Posted by Butterflyteam on May 17, 2006 03:44 AM


Feeling our own feelings can be so scary, especially after a lifetime of having alters experience them for us or, at least, buffering them. I know. I'm in the same situation and the chaos and fear feels overwhelming. The desire to return to old ways of coping is so strong. But, we can get through this, we really can. I have confidence that you will come out stronger on the other side of this, just as I have hope the same is true for me. Take care. Have hope. The Real Me

Posted by: The Real Me at May 19, 2006 08:28 PM

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