Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

May 5, 2006

not doing so great....

i'm not in a great emotional place. today sucked. it just kept getting worse and worse. i can't get a handle on any of the negative thoughts. nothing i do will ever be good enough. i suck at everything. i'm no good. i'm worthless. i want to crawl in a hole and die.

i know today is a huge trigger day. the date has to do with cult stuff. but i feel like it's other stuff that's causing me to struggle today. but maybe it's just because i'm not in a very good place to handle any of the other stuff. maybe if the other stuff happened on another day, i would be able to look at it differently and it wouldn't affect me as strongly. maybe my defenses are weakened because it is a trigger day.

i guess i'll just try and accept that this is where i am right now - in the midst of abuser values and not seeing a way to turn it around at the moment. i'm not sure if i ever surrendered to it like that and if it will make a difference or not but i don't have much energy to fight it either. so i am swimming in abuser values with a horrible headache and that's where i am.

yet i can't help but long for feeling loved by someone; anyone. i just want to know that i matter to someone. this feeling is so incredibly strong. i want and need to feel loved by someone. :-(

Posted by Butterflyteam on May 5, 2006 6:27 PM


Oh, dear Butterfly. You are not who your abuser(s) programmed you to be. You are SO needed, so important, so valued- even to me, someone you've never met. Your posts mean so much to me because YOU UNDERSTAND. By the way, you are the fourth person in the past 24 hours to say she feels worthless. (It must be in the air.) I am proud of you. I wish I could tell you in person how important and special you are. Hang in there, girl. You are worth it. The Real Me

Posted by: The Real Me at May 5, 2006 7:53 PM

thank you for your kind words. they are really appreciated.

Posted by: butterflyteam at May 6, 2006 4:13 PM

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