Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

May 28, 2006

old coping behaviors and needing to scream.....

I'm hating myself so much right now because I'm feeling very overwhelmed and I'm turning to old coping behaviors to deal with my feelings. It started off happening in small ways and now as the panic intensifies, I feel myself getting out of control with all of these old destructive behaviors. The cutting hasn't been too bad - just once or twice in the past few days, however the urge to do it has been there a lot more and I am afraid I will not be able to hold off as much as I have been. I've had urges to drink a lot in the past few days. This could also be due to my 3 year sobriety anniversary coming up soon. The biggest problems have been with food. I KNOW I need to get a better handle on eating in more healthy ways - no more extremes of restricting or binging but it's just not working. Or, rather......I am not making it work for whatever reasons. I wish I could get to the bottom of these reasons because I feel it all getting out of control again. I've noticed that when I return to restricting, the panic isn't as intense. But when I turn to the binging and purging, I get extremely overwhelmed because it feels so out of control. I've binged and purged several times in the past week. Then in a moment of despair yesterday I ordered the stupid diet pills again that I said I wouldn't do. I had finshed them and promised myself I would give myself time to work with a nutrionist and eat healthy but I broke down in moment of panic. I'm freaking out right now because my sister just put in a new pool and she's having everyone over today since it's the first warm day. There is NO WAY I'm putting on a bathing suit. But I wish I wouldn't care so much and just do it anyway so I could have fun with my nieces and nephew. I don't know what to do. I'm just in total panic. I want to cry and scream and just have Donna put her arms around me so I could feel safe and make everythign else go away.

Posted by Butterflyteam on May 28, 2006 9:36 AM


Well, of course you're in a panic and things are stirred up. You've been allowing yourself to feel feelings you've kept bottled up for so long. Don't shoot the messenger. You've come a long way. Old ways of coping look attractive because you don't know what to do with these feelings. Hang in there. Talk to your T. Forgive yourself. Hating yourself will just make SI even more seductive. Please Email me if you need support. I really do understand these feelings, at least how I feel when I have them. I'd like to be your friend if you'd like.
The Real Me

Posted by: The Real Me at May 28, 2006 8:39 PM

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