Main » June 2006

June 26, 2006

not feeling grounded....

i'm not feeling so great - emotionally, that is. finished school on friday. uncomfortable with the transition. feeling very anxious. saw donna tonight but feel like i didn't even see her. i see her tomorrow for a group but i don't even want to go. we started to talk about it tonight but it feels unfinished. i don't like (in fact, i hate) our schedule for the summer. i feel like i have no connection to her anymore and that i barely get to see her. i don't feel grounded. i feel very insecure and unsafe. i talked about some things in a group tonight that i now feel so foolish about. i feel like i shouldn't be feeling the way i do about certain things and i'm stupid to be nervous about some upcoming things. i feel completely inadequate about everything. i can't do this for another two months. i can't. i feel like i'm talking but no one is listening. that no one is ever listening so i feel like i should just shut up. i feel like i don't matter to anyone.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:43 PM

June 19, 2006

3 years....

June 19, 2006 - Today it has been 3 years since my last drink. I've never had this amount of time before. Before these 3 years, the longest amount of time I had been sober was a little less than 2 years. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking or feeling about it. I know for the past several weeks I have been wanting to sabatoge myself and drink before I got to today. But somehow I didn't. I guess today is just another day - nothing special.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 4:10 AM

June 18, 2006

visiting relatives and feeling triggered....

i have relatives visiting from out of state. they will be here for about 3 weeks. i'm not really sure what i expected to be feeling but i didn't really anticipate being as triggered by it as much as i have been. one of the relatives is my cousin. it was her ex-husband that was one of my abusers from the time i was 3 until at least 10. he was the one who always brought me to the cult. it's hard seeing her because when i do, all i can think about is him. it brings me back to a very scary place that i don't want to go back to. we all went out to dinner with them last night and when i was around her, i couldn't help but feel like a scared child. we went to a resturant pretty far away so i was in a car with her for quite a while. i should have planned ahead and gone in a different car but i didn't. different parts inside are reacting very differently and it's confusing me. some are so scared to be around her and others want to be around her. i'm not sure how i feel. i talked about feeling nervous about her visit yesterday in the trauma group. holly's suggestion was to think ahead and make a plan. i know that's what i should have done last night and what i should do today since we will all be at my sister's house for father's day. and it's what i should do for the rest of her visit. but.....i feel conflicting things going on inside of me and there is a part that is being drawn to her and wanting to spend time with her. i'm just very confused about how i'm feeling and how i should go about handling it all. i'm just kind of going along with whatever happens but i do know that that may backfire and i may end up very triggered. it already happened last night. you would think i would make a different plan today but i'm not. i'm kind of in a dissociated frame of mind and just showing up and i feel like i need to let whatever is going to happen, happen and i'll clean up the mess afterwards.

well, i'm off to go spend the day with my dysfunctional family. i am aware that i have choices and do not have to put myself in the middle of their crap. for this moment, i'm choosing to. i'm not sure why. maybe because i don't feel like i'm in control. i have these awarenesses in my head but i feel like someone else is in control of my actions. perhaps an alter. don't know. we'll see, i guess.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:42 AM

June 15, 2006

I Run For Life....

Although this song was written for a different purpose than what I use it for, I can't help but feel a strong connection to the words. I have this song in my Ipod and I usually play it several times when I go for a run. I've listened to it a few times tonight in hopes that it might help turn around this discouraged feeling I'm having.

I Run For Life
by Melissa Etheridge

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Every day that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast,
If you ask her why she is still running,
She'll tell you it makes her complete

I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin
And they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul

And now I'm still learning a lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her, remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers, running for more

I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth, for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend

I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth, for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your daughter, your wife
For you and me my friend
I run for life

Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:59 PM

June 14, 2006

alone in a bubble....

i just spent a really nice evening with wonderful people. it was a great time with lots of laughs, yet............ i feel SOOOOO incredibly alone. i just don't get it.

it's kind of like that bubble feeling again. i tried to describe it to donna a few nights ago. i feel like i am so disconnected from everyone. kind of like i'm in a bubble and i can't reach anyone on the outside and no one can reach me. so even though there may be people around, i can't connect to them because the bubble separates me from everyone, therefore i feel so incredibly alone.

it's just such a horrible feeling.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:15 PM

June 13, 2006

all i want....

all i want is to be loved. all i want is to feel important to someone; to feel like i matter to someone. the sadness and loneliness are so intense right now. it feels like they're drowning me. i just desperately need to know what it feels like to be loved by someone. i'm so terribly afraid that i will reach the end of my life and not ever know what that feels like.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:18 PM

June 10, 2006


i feel an unbearable loneliness right now that feels so strong that it might just be capable of killing me. stupid huh? i don't know. the thing is, i'm not even sure what exactly is triggering it. i'm sitting here staring at the computer screen with tears steaming down my face and i don't even know why.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 2:01 PM

June 7, 2006

no marathon leads to panic.....

i found out today that i didn't get into the marathon. (getting in is based on being picked randomly from a lottery.) even though i wasn't really sure i wanted to do the marathon again this year, now that i know it's definitely not an option, i'm kind of disappointed. finding out that i didn't get in has also started a huge panic. i'm feeling so scared right now. i think in the back of my mind i was hoping for something i could focus on. training for the marathon last year was very helpful for me. i learned how to take care of myself in ways i never did before. i haven't been very successful in keeping that up since the marathon ended. i know it is probably for the best because i will most likely start graduate school again in the fall so i really won't have the time to train like i did last year, but i still feel like i could have made it work somehow. i know that i can still train for other races and i can still take care of myself in the same ways i did last year regardless of being in a marathon or not but i think i don't trust myself enough to follow through on taking care of myself without the goal of something like the marathon. i don't think i care enough to take care of myself simply because i deserve it. i don't believe i deserve it so i continually make excuses not to do it. with the marathon, i had to put those excuses aside or i rationalized that i was taking care of myself all for the sake of being able to run the marathon, not because i was worthy of really taking care of myself. i feel so much panic right now. it's a "feeling trapped" feeling. like now i don't have another option to help me get back on track with taking care of myself - even though i know rationally that i do have other options; that it doesn't just depend on being in a marathon. but i don't feel like i have any other options. i HATE this trapped, panic feeling.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:34 PM

June 6, 2006

bad day.....

today has not been a good day. it has to do with the date. can't really write about it other than saying i've been in a constant state of panic. i haven't slept more than 3 hours in the past 48 hours.

i tried to stay as busy as possible. i went to my niece's dress rehearsal for her dance recital. there were TONS of girls ranging in age from 3 years old to seniors in high school all in this big auditorium. they were all in their costumes mainly consisting of dance leotards. seeing all of these little and young girls' bodies was way too triggering for me, especially on a day like today. now, all i keep seeing is images of my body being raped at all of those ages that those girls were.

i can't do this anymore. the panic is increasing the later it gets and the darker it gets. it's night time again. i can't have the same night as i did last night crouched into a small corner of my closet ALL NIGHT LONG. i can't. i don't know what to do anymore.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:59 PM

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