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March 11, 2007

my family's lack of action....

i'm in a weird emotional space right now. i had just finished telling donna yesterday that my sleeping had gotten so much better but then last night.........i don't know what happened. i fell asleep around midnight but by 3:00am i was awake and could not fall back asleep. i stayed up for awhile and then around 11:00am i went back to sleep. i slept until 3:00pm but had a very weird dream. but after thinking about the dream, i guess it kind of makes sense.

in the dream, i was playing with my 3 year old niece and she accidently hurt me. some sharp object ended up stabbing me in the side of my mouth and my two back teeth were ripped out as well as a big part of my gum. i couldn't talk but it was clear that it was a bad injury and i had different family members coming and going around me all concerned and saying we had to go to the emergency room and they kept talking about it and looking concerned and i remember that i kept waiting and waiting for someone to just step up and take action to help instead of just talking about it or planning it. i woke up before i ever made it to the hospital.

as i think about this, i guess it's a methaphor for my whole life. my family always tried to make it look like they had it together and was doing the right thing and was the "ideal" family, but when it came down to an essential piece - keeping me safe - no one stepped up and took the action they needed to take. just like in my dream, no one came through for me and helped me when i really needed it. and just like in my dream, they worked hard to make it look like they were there for me, but in the end, their lack of action didn't help me at all.

this dream, as well as some other things going on, has left me feeling really drained. i feel like i've been working so hard on so many things, but i'm feeling very discouraged today. i feel like what i'm doing is not good enough. i feel like I am not good enough. it makes me feel like i want to give up trying.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 3:34 PM | Comments (3)

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