Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

July 18, 2007

rainy day filled with anxiety.......

the weather was horrendous this morning. heavy downpours and flooding all morning. i managed to run with jackie before all the rain started which was good. we ran at 7:30. but the day went downhill once i got to work. i spent two hours on a bus with 37 kindergarteners. it was not a fun morning at work. after work i went to my doctor's appointment. it was ok, i guess. she was nice and i'm relieved that she seems to know what to look into. they took a lot of blood and will test all my hormone levels and my thyroid. she's mainly testing for something called PCOS - polycystic ovary syndrome. there have been studies done lately that show a link between that and eating disorders. she said she'd have the blood work back in a few days. depending on the results, i may need to go have a sonogram done. when she was taking my blood pressure she asked me about the scars on my arm. i'm pretty sure she knew what they were from without asking but she did. it was fine. she just asked me how recent they were. i said that i don't cut as much as i used to. then, before the nurse took my blood, she weighed me......backwards. i know that's a common way when dealing with an eating disorder patient however the whole thing just makes me laugh. do they really think weighing an ED patient backwards is going to keep them from obsessing about their weight or keep them from knowing their weight? i weigh myself all the time. not seeing my weight today in her office wasn't keeping anything from me. i just think the whole thing is really stupid.

even though the doctor was very nice, i started to get very anxious in her office. when judi first suggested that it would be a good idea to get a physical or to even go to this doctor for these tests, i was very hesitant. she asked me a few times why i didn't want to go and did i ever have a bad experience with a doctor. i don't think i have but it's still very triggering for me. obviously i understand why going to the gynecologist is triggering for me, but why a regular doctor for a routine visit and who would only be taking blood? i guess it's just the whole vulnerability of the situation. i guess i sort of feel like a young child with this "authority figure" who appears to us as having some control over us. we feel like we are at the doctor's mercy. it sort of doesn't feel safe. so...i was very anxious in her office, almost to the point of crying. then when i came home i just felt tremendous anxiety and had strong urges to binge and purge. i was able to just have lunch and avoid any ED behaviors. i spent the rest of the day on the couch zoned out in front of the tv. i hope i can just fall asleep fairly early tonight. i'm very tired.

Posted by Butterflyteam on July 18, 2007 05:48 PM


I'm sorry you were so stressed, but I'm glad you were able to stand against the urges to binge and purge. I know it's not easy.

Posted by: The Real Me at July 18, 2007 07:54 PM

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