Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

August 15, 2007


i saw judi this afternoon and i think something might have clicked. i've been doing horrible the last few days with food - not binging, but cookies for cream for lunch.... i've felt out of control and so overwhelmed and frustrated. today, i somehow got back on track a little - ate healthier for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and went to the gym. judi asked me what i thought the reasons were for both the poor choices over the last few days and then the better choices today. i kept referring to the fact that i felt out of control with all of it and that there didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. i do know that i haven't felt present and that the "out of control" eating was a distraction i was using not to feel the panic that is coming up for me recently and i do know that i DID make the choices to eat what i did.......but it still did feel like something beyond me that i couldn't control and the same with making the better choices today. i couldn't give myself credit for that. judi then kept going back to the word responsibility......not wanting to take responsibility for either taking care of myself or not taking care of myself. at first i felt defensive.........nobody is going to tell me i'm not taking responsibility...........i'm the most freaking responsible person.......... to the point where i feel so much pressure to be responsible for everything and everyone; i'm so consumed with feeling responsible for EVERYTHING (including work, school, friends, family, keeping my nieces safe, holding onto what happened to me when i was little - that i was responsible for it) that i can't possibly take in one more thing to be responsible for. i just can't. and then i got it......sort of...... why am i responsible for everything and everyone except myself......... when it comes to taking care of myself?

talking about this for a little while helped make a connection to a recent memory. when D brought me to the cult, he would always go off somewhere else and i wouldn't see him again until it was time to go. he would come and get me and i always associated him with being the person that "saved" me from the horrible things happening there. recently i remembered what he used to tell me when he would come "save" me.........he would say to me "where have you been? i have been looking all over for you." as if it was my fault. i was responsible for what happened to me because i somehow "wandered off" and since i wasn't wherever he was looking for me, what happened to me was my fault.

judi suggested maybe i don't want to take responsibility for myself (my food choices, taking care of myself) because i think something bad might happen. i think she said other things but i can't remember everything. i asked her if i wrote some things out in a journal tonight and emailed it to her, would she fill in the gaps and let me know what else we talked about so that i could bring it all to donna when i see her tomorrow. she said she would.

i felt like some pieces came together today but i still feel trapped in it, not knowing exactly how to get out of it. i guess it's that word i'm not too fond of..........process.

Posted by Butterflyteam on August 15, 2007 5:04 PM


How is school going?

Posted by: Katie at August 22, 2007 2:09 PM

How is everything?

Posted by: The Real Me at August 29, 2007 8:16 PM

I've just read ALL of your entries today----you are trying so hard to get it right... and I just want to tell you that I'm proud of you and I'm praying for you...

Posted by: Kim at September 10, 2007 3:09 PM

I just wanted to share these with you...even though we go through all of this pain, there is One who cares and loves us...He wants us to know that we are His children forever loved...Jesus is the only One who knows our pain and suffering first-hand and Ultimately overcame facing Satan for all of us. He is ready and waiting even now to help us through every earthly trial. You ARE loved...For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on Him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life. John 3:16

Posted by: Kim at September 10, 2007 3:42 PM

Safe in the Arms of Jesus (Hymn by Fannie Crosby) very comforting to me.....

"Safe in the arms of Jesus,
Safe on His gentle breast;
There by His love o’ershaded,
Sweetly my soul shall rest.
Hark! ’tis the voice of angels
Borne in a song to me,
Over the fields of glory,
Over the jasper sea.
........Safe in the arms of Jesus,
Safe on His gentle breast;
There by His love o’ershaded,
Sweetly my soul shall rest.
Safe in the arms of Jesus,
Safe from corroding care,
Safe from the world’s temptations;
Sin cannot harm me there.
Free from the blight of sorrow,
Free from my doubts and fears;
Only a few more trials,
Only a few more tears!
Jesus, my heart’s dear Refuge,
Jesus has died for me;
Firm on the Rock of Ages
Ever my trust shall be.
Here let me wait with patience,
Wait till the night is o’er;
Wait till I see the morning
Break on the golden shore."

Deuteronomy 33:27
The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee; and shall say, Destroy them!

Posted by: Kim at September 10, 2007 3:52 PM

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