April 14, 2005

"I'm fine, I'll be fine." Maybe not.

I've been fighting with my boyfriend more frequently lately. He keeps telling me I need to go to the doctor. I keep telling myself that I'm fine, and I'm not really that screwed up, but he begs to differ. He thinks that I'm at the point where I absolutely do need to seek some help. I still don't believe him, but he says that just from what I tell him, I need to get help. I keep thinking that my anxiety is normal, my self-loathing is normal, my intense mood swings are normal, the hypochondriasis is normal...my depression is normal. I know that if I go, they'll just tell me that I'm experiencing life anxiety or something like that. And I don't want to just be handed a freaking pill to start taking. I'm so scared of being on medication. I don't want it to change me, I don't want side effects, I just want to feel normal. And just when I think that I am and do feel normal, something happens and I get so upset that I just scream at the top of my lungs, and then get this horrible nagging empty feeling in my stomach that won't go away. I just want it to be over.

I'm so scared.

Posted by fourrightchords at 12:53 PM | Comments (8)

March 23, 2005

Thinking about cliff-diving...

Today has been absolutely horrible. The weather outside even matches it...just gray and cold and damp. It started out horrible, and it's continued to stay that way. This morning when I took my boyfriend home before school, he wasn't very nice to me, and I just felt ugly and stupid and worthless. I hate that I let people feel that way. I know I shouldn't, but there's nothing I can do to keep from feeling that way ALL THE TIME. When he got out of the car, he wasn't even going to tell me he loved me...the only reason he did was because I said "I love you" as he was about to close the door. So that was a bad start. When I got to school, I was walking up the steps and I noticed a penny lying heads down on one of them, like it was strategically placed there to remind me that today was going to suck and that I wanted to jump off a cliff. I really would like to jump off a cliff, but not having any guts is another of my many flaws. Then, we had to take our Algebra II test today, and I knew I was going to fail, but it was disappointing and draining anyway. I've become so angry and drained from not being taught correctly that I think I've stopped caring. I didn't even really care when I turned in my test with twelve questions blank and the rest mostly guesses. I have absolutely no emotional energy anymore, and nearly no physical energy as well. I hate how I feel. I hate hating myself, as contradictory as that may sound. I hate being bipolar, I hate worrying about everything, I hate caring about everything. I hate feeling like I have nothing to look forward to and like I want to drive my car off a cliff to see if anyone notices. This is a horrible way to live.

I miss being a little girl. And it's only going to get worse.

Posted by fourrightchords at 10:25 AM | Comments (2)

March 21, 2005

An Analogy...

I haven't been good with updating this journal lately, but I recently received a comment on my last entry. I don't know this man, but Matthew Bunkall of England gave me a great outlook that I normally have trouble seeing.

"Fitting in is simply being prepared to be around those that are different you don't need to change to fit in. I have never seen any fruits change to fit in my nans fruit bowl, the Apples, Pears, Grapes, oranges and bannanas. They are all fruit, all very different and all taste good."

I've tried to think of people in society (and myself) this way, but it's always too hard because I can't stop comparing myself to everyone I see. I have an inferiority complex. I don't know Matthew, but I would really love to give him a hug and tell him thank you and that he is a beautiful person, because he made me think--even if just for a second--that it was okay for me not to look and act like everyone else. That was one of the best ways I have ever heard this concept portrayed. Thank you so much, Matthew.

If only there were more compassionate people in the world...

Posted by fourrightchords at 10:50 AM | Comments (30)

February 14, 2005

Being Here...It Hurts

Being at school is such a hard thing to get through every day now. I hate everything here as well as everyone here. I walk through the halls feeling more alone than I've ever felt in my life, looking at people conversing with their friends in their little groups. I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't belong in one of those groups. I see the people that have been my friends in the past...and I don't really miss being friends with them...but I feel rather that I'm missing out on what they're doing, whether I want to do it too or not. I feel like a lot of people here are stealing my identity from me. I have my own way of dressing, my own way of thinking about things, and my own way of being who I am. When I see someone (especially someone that I used to be close with) doing something that reminds me of myself...I feel HURT and as if the one thing I have has been taken away from me. I hate this so much. I am so horribly depressed, and I feel like there's nothing here for me other than one exception--the boy whom I am in love with and loves me. So, when I'm taken out of that comfort zone, and put back somewhere where I don't belong--or somewhere that has been taken over by false advertising--I feel this horrible sense of self-hatred, severe depression, and SO SO SO lost. I am so lost. I am so lost. I am so lost. I am so lost.

I am so lost.

Posted by fourrightchords at 10:22 AM | Comments (1523)

February 8, 2005




No joke. It really is.

Posted by fourrightchords at 11:44 AM | Comments (1)