Main » May 2005

May 27, 2005

Went out last night

We went out last night on a date, had a really good time, but now everyone is panicing cause they think we will just end up hurt again. Its soo hard to trust again. This is deffinatly going to be a challenge. I cant tell him about any of the others. We broke up with our last bf and he was the onlyone that knew other than our t and mom in real life. I would like to just hide for a while. just until we see our t again in 2 weeks.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 10:44 AM | Comments (0)

May 25, 2005


spent the day cleaning and looking up stuff on ebay. we also listed some of the baby stuff on there. we are gonna use that money to get new stuff. not a whole lot else happened today. Kids seem to be on an up now. Jill got to play dolls for a little while today.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 6:22 PM | Comments (0)

May 24, 2005


The flu has really hit hard here. we had the baby up to the er to get an iv cause she was dehydrated. ut seems like all we are doing is cleaning up after both the kids. it should start lifting soon. its raining too so there is nothing for us to do. we bough a n64 but they forgot to pack a cord so its gonna be another week before we can use it. FRUSTRATING! there is absolutly nothing to do here besides the computer and watch tv and we are tired of doing both. is it possible to die of bordem?

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 6:00 AM | Comments (0)

May 21, 2005

who am I?

Who am I? hmm thats a good question and something I dont really know the answer to. I dont even know what to call myself. I answer heavens if someone asks me what my name is but is that who I really am? I have no likes or dislikes completly of my own. I feel what others say I am supposed to feel. When someone asks me how I am I am tempted to answer, How bout if you just tell me what I am supposed to be feeling. I just really dont know who I am anymore other than a walking zombie that dont really matter if I am here anymore or not. I'm not suicidal, I'm just trying to figure out why I am here yet. Other than to raise my 2 kids. I feel so empty inside.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 6:12 PM | Comments (56)

new tys

gts new ty dols n clths. bes prty. go ply nows bys

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 4:01 PM | Comments (1)

May 20, 2005


I am not suicidal, I've just been thinking about death, like what happens to you after you die., not the actual process of dieing, but what happens after you die. Usually friends and family throw a funeral service for you. What happens though when you are an orphan and have no family like me? Do they simply throw you away or donate your body to science? Do you sit in the morgue till theres nothing left of you? When I die I want to be cremated and buried with a lil head stone that concrete angel written on it. I'm not sure I even want to be buried. Death I think is the only time I am really going to be truely free. I cant wait to go home to a place where I am loved. I dont want to die now but at the same time, I cant say that I wouldnt jump at the chance to go if I could and that I knew that I wasnt gonna go to hell. I guess no one really knows that though for sure. Life is soo complicated.


Posted by Heavensdaughter at 5:31 AM | Comments (53)

I am a survivor

I am not a victim
I am not a statistic
I am not worthless
I am not a child of circumstance
I am a survivor

I beat the system that fought so hard to destroy me. I survived the abuse, the torture, the humilition. I am a survivor.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 5:25 AM | Comments (86)

May 18, 2005

Concrete angel

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back
Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul, caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it'll be too late

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel
Martina Mcbride
Album(s) Greatest Hits (2001)

This song reminds me of me. And of all those that have suffered at the hands of an adult or someone that was supposed to be there to protect them.

Thank you Martina Mcbride for giving us a voice in the midst of darkness. Thank you.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 6:51 PM | Comments (53)

play therapy

I finally did it, after months of putting it off, I finally talked to my T about doing play therapy. She said we could try it and see if it brings me out more. Its such a relief getting that out. She is working on getting a room all set up for play therapy. I hope she gets one.

We went to walmart and got crayons and sidewalk chalk and a barbie. Jill got a little doll castle by kid connection, the head snaped off one of the dolls though already. Cheap thing. We also got monsters inc but the stupid thing wont play and its our 2nd brand new dvd we have tried for monsters inc.

Tomorrow faith has an evalution for early intervention to see where she is at developmentally and to see if she qualifies for extra help. I hope she does.
We are watching mulan right now and staying up past our bedtime. SHHHHHHHH

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 6:31 PM | Comments (4)

May 17, 2005


weve been doing some thinking about why we are doing this. Why we are writting. Sometimes it seems hopeless, like theres no point to it. But then sometimes we think that maybe if we tell our story, maybe we can help someone else. Maybe someone else wont have to hurt like we do and did.

Today I just feel like sleeping, Like disapearing and waiting for the world to pass on by. The flu has been going around here. I've had it for 6 days now. I'm really dehydrated too. Cant seem to keep fluid down. I guess it has to get better eventually.

I downloaded the song, Concrete Angel yesterday, its the song I picked out for me. Its a bout a little girl that was abused and lots of people knew but they didnt do anything about it. she ended up dieing. I didnt die but I still relate to that cause lots of people knew I was being abused and did nothing.

Jill wants to do somemore coloring. I am getting a n64 for everyone to play on. Amy has been pretty excited. There is nothing around here for her to do right now. I am trying to get a doll house too but they are all soo expensive. then u have to buy all the accessories seperate, way to expensive.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 9:57 AM | Comments (1)

May 15, 2005


we are going to watch movies today and play in the sandbox. We are having horrible bodymemories again. Hopefully we can take our mind off stuff for a while. Jill has been painting alot of pictures with finger paint.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 4:42 AM | Comments (0)

May 14, 2005

more memories

Not very many times, but occassionaly deb would do my hair for me. oh how I hated those times. I always had dry scalp, or in other words dandruff. Instead of just buying me normal dandruff shampoo, deb would insist that I was not scrubbing hard enough and would drag me to the bathroom, turn on the hotwater and wash my hair for me, digging in as hard as she could with her nails. making sure to bang my head against the side of the tub a few times during the ordeal. During one of her rages, she forced me to sit in a chair after she had washed my hair and proceeded to cut my hair all off till it was 6 inches long. when my dandruff came back less then a week later, she took me into the hair stylist and had them cut it shorter yet. By the end of all debs forced hair cuts, my hair was 2 inches long and I looked like a boy. I got placed in foster care shortly after that but the damage was already done. my self esteem and spirit had been broken

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 4:01 PM | Comments (1)


we got 4 more days till we go see our t. we wanna go now though. 4 days is a really long time. we might get to play this time too. I hope we get to play. Theres alot of stuff to go through though so we might not get to.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 2:31 PM | Comments (0)

doing better

Weve got 4 more days until we can go see our t. This past week has gone a little bit better, after wednesday. We aer trying to do everything our selfs with out outside people, other than our t. Jill is having play time during the day. So far she has finger painted, played candy land and played with cars. She really wants a doll house but they are all so expensive. Even to just get her a couple barbie dolls cost soo much.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 5:23 AM | Comments (1)

May 10, 2005


I have been thinking about things, me silent. I am not sure why I exist, I just do. I could go away for a while and no one would notice. no one would notice if i died. I have to watch the kids but if not for them it wouldnt matter.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 4:56 PM | Comments (1)

May 9, 2005


I am silent and I will now be taking over. I will be in charge. That is the way things are. Heavens is no longer here

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 3:24 PM | Comments (1)