Becoming My Passion

February 18, 2008

I want to Disappear

I have been depressed all day. I just do not feel appreciated, but then again I don’t appreciate myself very well either, so no surprise. I feel so oppressed right now with my life. I wish I wasn’t in a relationship, it makes me feel bad right now, but then I brought that on myself. I’m sick of my body, I’m sick of my behavior, I’m just sick of everything. I couldn’t even get it together enough to complete my school assignments today. I’ve never done that. That means more pressure tonight and tomorrow to get that done. Usually when I get done with my work I feel free for a quick minute, but now I’ve got stuff from last week butting into work from this week. I just want to sleep all the time. I slept all morning, then most of this early evening. I haven’t felt this low in a long time, but such is life. I wish that I could just dry up, turn to dust, and blow away. I’m tired of feeling scared of what I’m doing to my life and with my life. I know that there will be a more upbeat time, but right now it just sounds exhausting to even think about it. I just turned 45, I don’t feel 45 today I feel 60. I feel old and bedraggled. I wish that I had made better choices in life. I’m sad for the choices I made and here’s another year of being obese and sad. Yippee for me.

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Clarity, a Life’s Best Friend?

Blood Pressure: 158/82
Pulse 84
Weight 518

Realizations, etc., are not very fun. It’s a hard thing to swallow knowing that you give more than you get. It’s even harder to swallow when you realize you give more away because you feel you’re empty somehow and hope that the returns will fill you up. I hate how little I have loved this person that looks back at me in the mirror, (whom I often avoid by avoiding mirrors for fear I will see the truth about how I treat me), I hate how I’ve allowed other people’s junk coerce me into continuing their mistreatment of me with the hurts they inflicted and I’ve bought foolishly as the truth! What’s at the crux of my weight, the belief that I don’t deserve to look any different.

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February 16, 2008

How do I not see me...realistically?

I totally screwed up, in my opinion a major paper in school. Even after I read it to my sweetheart he said it seemed like I lost focus. Strange isn’t it that I still got the top points in class. People are always telling me how smart I am, my sister calls me a genius (not sarcastically either) and I just do not get it! How is that I do not see this. Maybe in comparison to my classmates my grades are considered high, but what about in comparison to myself? I’ve experienced this same type of phenomenon with my looks. Constantly being told how “beautiful” I am when I feel like the ugliest fattest glob of worthlessness in the world. How is it that I could not, cannot seem to see this. There was even a time in college when I literally would get up and run to class with my hair, curls every which way, overall straps hanging like tails with the big down in front. I looked completely unkempt and un-put-together. Instead of people looking at me like the freak I was, they would say I was cute. I just didn’t get it then, and I cannot really say I get it now. Well now I’m so huge no one looks at me as anything but fat. I am quite sure they feel disgust or revulsion when they look at all my fat. If they could see the gigantic globs of fat that are hanging off of me like the elephant man, then trust me no one would want to look at me at all. I don’t want to and I’m me. I know I need the Daniel Fast, because I am going through something here. I’m on the verge of something.

I do my schooling because it gives me hope for the future, but physically I just can’t seem to get myself moving the way I know I should. A workout in the morning and evening seems easily doable even if it’s a short amount of time. Why do I feel like such a fraud? It’s like something that stays with me constantly, especially when someone gives me a compliment. I feel as if I need to prove to them that they are wrong. I feel like I have to be brutally honest with myself about everything or with everyone about me. I don’t know if I am actually being honest about myself. I may not be the absolute worthless horror that I seem to want to claim I am. Oh boy, lot of thinking and reading I think I need to do. I have another paper due but I want to just read and live in quiet today. Sunday I will work on the paper. I’ve got to get back to my goal sheets. Check in maybe later today. Ij.

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February 15, 2008

Restarted the Daniel Fast

Blood Pressure: 157/71
Pulse 72
Weight 518

Well, messed up my fast. Why? Donuts, available and I actually ate them to “finish them off” so that they wouldn’t get wasted. Isn’t that morally reprehensible, won’t waste some stupid fried sugar dough, but my life, my heart, and those who would be affected by my life being over, I willingly wasted them by eating those awful donuts. This is how I know my thinking is off. Even if someone were to say to me “everyone falls off the wagon don’t be so hard on yourself” I know that this is a way for me to ignore my own horrendous behavior. I did venture out for dog food today to a part of town I did not know and walked into a store I had never been in and was friendly and cordial. I liked the store and the woman running it and next time I go, the dogs will go in with me. I proceeded to drive home and eat 4 donuts! Yes. That’s 1032 calories for a fluff of air that broke my Daniel fast. I started the Clock back another day. I’m not depressed about it, but disappointed in myself. I am going to go lay down and think some more. I just finished 32oz of water. I do feel tired. Whether it’s a PTSD remnant from the unfamiliar trip, or the hordes of sugar in the donuts, either way I need to think and maybe nap and remember why I am doing this fast and how much more disappointed I will be in myself for not completing this fast for myself.

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