Becoming My Passion

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January 18, 2005

Day 12 to Change

Weight: Still afraid to check, but soon Definitely by the end of the month

Food eaten: So far nothing. Had two peach iced teas

Exodus: Set up Aunts Computer/Sams Club it rained all day

Exercise: None today so far, the urge is getting stronger again

Hygiene: Been so long since shower its frightening but I do sponge bathe. Not sure what the shower aversion is at moment, maybe just the cold. Im freezing all the time now

Writing: Way behind on my installment stories, its shameful and I feel lost not writing as much as I need.

Chores: Ran dishwasher

Meditation: Im afraid to face my thoughts mostly so havent done this either.

Im not sure where I am in my progress. I do things; I make my appointments. I think a lot. Im constantly realizing things and Im hoping its the chaos before the calm, or breakthrough.
Ive instituted Routine in my life thats minimal and Im trying to build a new routine item into my daily grind each week. I started with at least 2 cups of water before starting the day and then a protein shake for breakfast. I must drink a pot of tea before anything else in the day.
Its kept me from having coffee because sometimes I dont get my tea down and then after 4 cups of tea I dont feel like getting down coffee. Its not that I actually had a coffee problem but its a splurge with the creamer and all.
This week Im supposed to be incorporating weightlifting. I didnt get it started yesterday because the ruby red of life started and drained me of all energy and will to do more than observe life passing me by. Today I will try to get a shower in. If not Ive done something to entice me into the ritual of it though. Ive ordered a bunch of wonderful bath brushes and natural soaps and shampoos. Ill start exfoliating my skin. Thats something I neglect almost cruelly!
My skin is so dry it cracks! If I didnt know better (and theres no guarantee that I do) Id think this is another way of punishing myself. Ive bought too many signals from family, job, myself that I dont matter and should be quietly be DISAPPEARED. I look at people living life and wonder where I really could fit in. I have no children to live for and my dogs are too beautiful to not be adopted by someone if not my own friends and family. My lover does pretty well without me in another state. He says not and its quite possible he needs me more than I want to allow myself to believe. Mostly I feel like a tainted burden around his neck with all the other stressors this life packs onto his already over-laden back. I still havent figured out if loving him Id do better by leaving him to not have me around to spoil things.
I guess you could say Im depressed, maybe. Such a clich as this means very little to me these days. Its like the Billie Holiday song Good morning Heartache, only replace heartache with (Depression) and youve got my daily dance, weekly affair with the one thing that sticks with me even when I believe Ive finally overcome or shook its presence, charm, and hold.

Irene higginbotham / ervin drake / dan fisher

Good morning heartache (Depression)
You old gloomy sightGood morning heartache (Depression)
Thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seems you have gone
But here you are with the dawn
Wish I forget you, but youre here to stay

It seems I met youWhen my love went away
Now everyday I stop Im saying to you
Good morning heartache (Depression) whats new

Stop haunting me now
Cant shake you nohow
Just leave me alone
Ive got those Monday blues

Straight to Sunday blues
Good morning heartache (Depression)
Here we go again
Good morning heartache (Depression)
Youre the oneWho knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache (Depression)

Sit down

Oh well. Im too tired to fight it off really. I pretend really well for my docs and managing health care team mostly because I dont want to end up in some hospital or on stronger drugs. Its a silent journey because the more people know the more they intrude. Sometimes I feel like people who care are like people waking you up constantly when youre exhausted and just need to get 5 more minutes of sleep. In that moment you almost hate them fore trying to steal you from that rich luxurious coziness that warm blankies and sleep provide.
Its not that Im decadently not wanting to get better, just dont know that I believe its possible really. And one thing that holds true with the last year is Im really tired. Im tired of swimming upstream futile with the other instinctual brother/sister salmon. Instead of crying through all my sessions and trying to convince people that drugs just depress me more I give up and do whatever they expect of me, then I come home and catatonically guard my true condition. Its like holding your breath until you get somewhere safe.
I dont want people coming here and I definitely dont want to go anywhere, but I do enough to keep from being found out If the people in my life knew Id be too ashamed to live further. I just keep hoping Ill Snap out of it on my own and some little thing will serve as a magnificent catalyst to this event. What I really dont know. Maybe my routine will erode my apathy. One can only pray, and I do pray, God is my glimmer of hope and it reduces me to a humbling crying mess when I realize how unworthy I feel about everything.
Occasionally I feel uplifted, and I really think Im on my way to that light at the end of the tunnel, but I slip so instantly and thats what has lost me pretty much all hope of believing life could really truly get better for me. The only thing that I can see that could possibly turn things around is if I was to fast and cleanse myself completely but I start and then I dont finish and then I feel lower than before. I believe its going to have to happen to get me back on a track that spirals Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually back up towards the light of my soul. Would that I had the courage and constant focus to do this. Right now. Not for two days or a week but maybe 40 days and nights the way Christ Did. Something that would be my little secret something that might help me more than hiding my current depressive, defeatist nature.
Ah well Ive just about exhausted my strength on trying to exercise my demons. Me. Hard to believe its been so long since I last posted but depression has a way of lulling you into a deep sleep about landmarks of reality. Why I can talk about it and still be so weird I cannot tell you. Alas thats it for energy writing today.

P. S. Thank you linda for reminding me to get in here and post. Your attention to me though little, is like a hand appearing in deep to grab hold to. It's enough to get me to post, which is really good for me I believe. Again. Thanks and God Bless!

Posted by ijellorca on January 18, 2005 1:59 AM | DIGG | | furl

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