Becoming My Passion

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January 26, 2005

Day 14 to Change

Yesterday I raged and fasted. Here are some of my thoughts...

Experiment. I have fruit and veggies and I'll try 1/2 cup of those if I start to feel like I'm starving, but otherwise I'm taking the day off from food! Just water. It's been a while and I really want to stop these errant cravings! I don't know why they started up, well except for Ms Red's visit (as my sister calls it!

I've been thinking to myself thoughts like: "What do I have that would be good and decadent!" I even thought of making chocolate cake tonight but couldn't bear the thought of eating it without anyone to stop me!!!

My sweetie works hard on the business while I'm here turning into a major eating machine! I thought about it earlier and thought how much do I love him if I jeopardize my health so recklessly. My health afects him and the rest of his life! It's terrible. He loves me depite my insecurities and my crazy days. He supports me even though I treat him bad, playfully, but nonetheless I'm a stinker! I don't do a whole lot for him. I'm not saying I have to lose weight for him. He told me the other day that I'm only flipping out because of my self because he loved me sight unseen even before we got together.

This man, this sweet man just continues to love me the bigger I get and I'm ashamed of my non-focusing willy nilly eating and behaviors toward myself. I think I'm not being intropective enough. I'm working on my routine but it's not enough. I really need to get still. Get into the Quiet of me and my purpose! I've been out of touch with this lately.

I hope to get through the next 24 hours to jump start my thinking and behavior and start cleansing my system of all the crap that I've been shoving into it foolishly.

I don't want diabeties, or heart attack, or skin that will never snap back. I don't want any of the weight related issues that come with keeping excessive weight on my little tiny bone structure!

I told my friend I was having hunger pangs at 10AM then I told her my stomach and hunger pangs and food in general can go F*%! themselves!!! She said "is that the same mouth you eat with" of course I said not today!!! I'm angry at food today and my betraying body! But Hey I'm in control today and I just drank more water! I love my G, I love me, and FAT and negative behaviors are not going to control my life Dang it!!! Of Course I really wanted a pork chop or something then! But an hour later I'm hating it all again and feeling spiteful enough to deny food forever!

I'm thinking that there's nothing on earth to eat at this moment that I can't actually get again to eat in the next year, or 5 years! There's nothing I really HAVE TO HAVE now! Maybe I'll start a wish account and everything I want to have I can write down and agree to have later at some undetermined time in the future, a future far far away from today!!!

I'm noticing that even my physical temperature comfort is affecting my desires for food. When I'm freezing like now I want beans and soupie things and I really lean toward comfort foods! When it's warm or hot I'm loving the salads and ice cold water etc. Maybe I'll boil some water later, but trying to avoid the kitchen like the plague.

Why is it soo danged easy to eat! Why isn't there a sanQuentin application process for visiting a death row inmate that takes weeks of background checks to okay or deny and to reapply for??? I don't want to be on death RoW!! That's all fat is to me today death.
Oh forgive my rambling it's just an internal fight to not give in to unnecessary sabotaging of my health!

While fasting, I lamented to Gaetano and he thinks I'm going over board on the weightloss thing. He wants me to drink a protein shake but I refuse. I'm getting the empty stomach burps now! usually that's when the hunger pangs start digging deep into your mind!! I think this is more about my battle with food and the desire to misuse it than it is about fasting but I'll fast and maybe I'll fast until I realize that food is just fuel and nothing more even though we open new restaurants daily to get us to go worship the stuff 24 hours a day!!!

I really am mad at food! I think it's evil! It's worse than a demon wanting to possess your soul! You ingest it and pretty soon your butt won't fit in the chair, the car, your jeans!!! you suck it up and then you find you can't breathe as well or walk as far or jump as high! My body's being taken over by a cancerous demon, how is it any different than cancer? Pretty soon no one will recognize me if I keep getting bigger!!

Okay not a great day for me, but Damn it I'm not eating!!!
Sorry I'm so nasty... Alcoholics have nothing on me!!

my mind is in a fog of hatefullness and food! I'm so angry I've let myself gain weight! I'm angry about the whole struggle! Angry that my mom didn't wouldn't pick me up from Basketball practice when no one wanted to drive the "black" girl home as well as Tennis! I'm angry that I didn't insist the school district provide transportation since there was no buses to get home. If our mom hadn't moved us to such a racist place I might have had some considerations and girls that play sports in high school do better in life physically and career wise. I would have been a punching bag busdriver or have FAT hanging off my fingers and chin!!

I wish I'd grown up with Naturalpathic parents who believed in healthy foods and exercise instead of hot dogs and banquet chicken because she was too lazy to cook real dinners or make salads.

sigh. This detox thing is something else I'm beginning to think I'm crazy. I know I can't blame my weight on my up bringing but let's face it there were situations to help the fat along!

Well it's 12 noon twelve more hours to go!!!!!

I told G that I was angry and pissed off and he said "Who did it honey, where are they? I'll kick their butts!" so I said
"Friggin Fat, Damned fat!! did it Honey!" So he starts ranting and raving that he'll get the fat he'll take it out, take it down whatever I want! hahaha God I love that man!

Grrr!!! We deserve better! We're Goddesses afterall, food should bend to us and cravings should be bannished along with fat and frustrations! I don't think I've ever been this angry at food and fat and loss of control of myself. I'm not leaving here either! The fog's rolled in again and it can stay for weeks I don't care I'm coming out of this fight one of these days with the body I'm supposed to have and the attitude that is befitting a Goddess Warrior Queen who dictates what I want to be tempted with and it sure isn't anything that goes in my mouth!

You're in control whether you eat candy or not so long as you're okay with the consequences. My consequences for today is not going to therapy(since I'm soooo vulnerable)

and not getting really anything done. My focus is taking a lot of strength! I just looked at a roll of Ritz crackers and thought: "what's one cracker?" But for me, today, for me it would be failure! I'm making a stand against even myself if I keep convincing myself of BS like: "oh this one won't hurt, or at least it's healthy" It's not BS for everyone but it's BS when I'm talking to myself because I know just one thing in my mouth will leave me feeling defeated and worthless and under someone else's control.

I'm coming from a feeling just weeks ago that I couldn't even lose weight!! I'd look at people's before and after photos and think, I'd never be one of them. Then I'd go eat something to make me feel better (BS!!! I ate something to take my mind off of my situation!!)
I just can't stand it any more!

There's enough Chocolate in the world to literally kill you from overingestion, as in being poisioned from chocolate!
What can you come up with that you'll never get to partake in again if you give it up for a spell?
Coffee, sugar, meat? Cake pretzels, chips?
What won't be there tomorrow is your health if you down the offending junk over and over. Size 8 isn't in food, it's in your heart and your head!
It's what you think you want to be.
Oh I don't know I'm just thinking I need to sleep for a bit to quell my temptations and buy myself more time! I'm at 13 hours now only 11 more hours to go!!!


I suspect I'll be angry for some time!!! My anger has given me great strength today!
I slept for 3-1/2 hours. Got up and lost some toxins in the bathroom! feeling better and not really hungry. Okay not hungry. Stomach feels empty and light. Headache's gone.

Thick as pea soup fog outside and that seems symbolic to me. I think this fog is how I see things with weight and food issues. I'm going to get out this fog. Unfortunately the fog has been a safe haven for me for soooo long. When there's fog no one really sees me or realizes how creepy I've been with food.

So...not sure what I'll do tomorrow. I won't be rushing into kitchen at midnight. That would tick me off too. I'm much calmer now...
19 hours now and counting!!! only 5 hours left!
I've got veggies and fruits, will use those to stave off any ravenous feelings but right now I'm going to see how long I can go and make note of my body's response. Years ago I used to do this for fun but I'm really out of touch with my body!! Today right now I'll see where this Jump start takes me!
Even G's feeling like jump starting things but he won't fast he's leaning towards more healthy foods. He thinks this may just get me on my way and I know he's right!

No pain really. Foggy headache a couple times but that subsided with water mostly. I didn't drink a lot of water, just sipped on it all day I didn't even drink a half gallon. I didn't want to feel that "full" sensation of water swirling around in the stomach reminding me how empty it was. The red tide still enforce so the crampiness is hitting at the moment but otherwise I'm good. I don't feel hungry.
The thoughts, they do betray and annoy. I just take a sip of water.
My eyes are clearer, less bloodshot. I felt the "exciteable" twitch under my closed eyelids when I was sleeping. I felt electric all over my body for that matter. I'm burping a lot too.(smile)
It seems like in the back of my brain and spinal cord I can feel toxins being eaten up!! hahah most likely my imagination but I feel something back there. Some sort of prostaglandin release or serotonin or something eh?

I love the emptiness of my stomach, it feels relaxed right now like someone would after fighting a great fight. Thus begins the rest of my life as a fighter, and no longer a victim. Today I choose to carry on the fight with another 24 hours and see what manifestations it holds for my mind and body. Today, this time, today I know I can do it and my anger shall be less intense.

All my anger yesterday though, it opened my eyes about a lot of things, and the discussions I had with everyone who'd listen really helped me see sooo much about me. afraid to "give up certain foods" I so feel that way most of the time....

What if I don't give it up completely, I'll feel like a fraud or what if giving it up makes me run to that certain food and eat it like it's going out of style... it strengthened my fast because I had to realize that I could have that food again, it wasn't lost to me forever. The worst that could really happen is I'd find out I'd never want it again because it didn't hold the "taste" it used to.

According to my fasting books frequently when one fasts a lot they find things they loved to eat before no longer hold their joy over you. The more in touch I get with my deeper eating issues I find the less ice cream has a role in my life.

I feel like I'm on a ship sailing towards points unknown right now. I feel like I'm breaking the major ties holding me down in my life. I can feel the fresh frozen salt air all over and the fog that still surrounds my place deeply is slow to reveal the amazing future I feel I'm about to partake in literally for life.
I feel safe right this moment, embraced by the fog and darkness of early morning. Listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter and letting her haunting beautiful voice guide me...

I can't help crying thinking of how monumental yesterday has been for my spirit, heart and life.

Now I feel good. I can brush my teeth with baking soda and make some hot water to warm me up. I've fought one of the biggest fights of my life and today I'll fast another 24 hours, because I know I can!

Posted by ijellorca on January 26, 2005 3:53 AM | DIGG | | furl

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