Health Diaries » Becoming My Passion » July 2006

July 31, 2006

Lost Sunday

Didn’t exercise, didn’t post, forgot to take blood pressure, oh well. I’ll at least post my eating

Yellow, orange, green bell peppers, mushroom, onion, garlic risotto (Turned out great!) I’ve got this dish down for sure!
Vanilla Bean ice cream (first since I started back down the path to my humanity!)

Yesterday was so non-descript it’s almost hard to remember. I didn’t even turn the ‘puter till evening and then just was too much in my head to deal with it much or any writing. I chopped up veggies during the day to save in the freezer and make risotto. Oh yeah, I remember now I had Cabernet Sauvignon from Chile, which was scrumptious! I hadn’t had wine in quite some time definitely going to seek out La Palma’s cabernet in the future. The year was 2002 and for my money (sorry can’t even remember what I paid it’s been in the wine rack for a spell, it’s was just a beautiful tasting experience. Every time I taste a wonderful wine I wonder why I don’t drink it more, but as the weight loss trials continue I know that alcohol carries much too much empty calories for me.

Today I made a chocolate chip crust cheesecake for my mom to give to someone in her rotary club. They raised money for some charity event and mom gave put up 12 months of deserts. Smart idea if you ask me. Since I’m a cheesecake wiz I thought I’d help her out. It smells good in here but I’m not a cheesecake-eating freak. I prefer to experiment with making them than I do with eating them, which makes this little exercise just fun. I’ve already baked the little chocolate chip cookies to go on top for garnish. I love presenting stuff like that, or baking special deserts for people, but it’s really fun when you can create something that’s not run of the mill, or I haven’t done before. I pressed the cookie dough into the bottom of the spring form pan and baked the dough until it was barely cooked but risen a little then I made the cheesecake batter and poured it on top. I’m thinking the cookie bottom will continue to cook within the hour of its baking but not over bake before the batter’s on top. With the little cookies on top it should look pretty cute!

It just cracks me up that these kinds of things don’t even turn my head or make me hungry. I could care less about sweets I cook. I wish I felt that way about all foods! I know people who can’t have sugar or chocolate in their house. Neither one motivates me the way mustard, onions, or garlic do me! Isn’t that something? I should have been a specialty baker. I’d probably weigh 100 lbs. I remember years ago working in a Winchell’s Donut shop, just after my first year of college. I didn’t particularly care for donuts even before I went to work there, but it was 2 blocks from my apartment and I was out of money and needed a job. I think by the end of the night I was ready to hurl from all the sugar that pervaded the atmosphere. They not only used granulated sugar, they used powdered sugar, and some sucrose or fructose powder in conjunction with the sweetened cake powder etc. My throat was always coated with sugar and I was constantly trying to clear it like a bad smoker. (No I don’t and didn’t smoke) I’d wake up in the morning with nightmares of being covered in sugar and even woke several mornings still trying to wipe it off my hands. My roommates thought I was weird because instead of talking in my sleep I was wiping my hands repeatedly! (Laugh!) That’s just too danged much sugar for anyone and people paid to eat the stuff! These days it takes me about 2 years to get through 5 lbs of sugar unless I’m baking Christmas treats or something. (Doesn’t happen every year)

So I still have 2 heads of lettuce in the crisper sounds like a wonderful salad for later today. I’ve been really good at mowing through my veggies in a timely manner. I really want to get my workouts in more diligently. It’s coming, the day’s coming when I can’t stand it if I don’t work out before doing anything in the morning or night! This is all about becoming my passion and I’m confident I am on my way. I hope tomorrow shows me another pound or two loss, but that’s pushing it. Hey, I’ll just keep pushing! I don’t need this fat anymore and I want to be the best healthiest me I can be.

151/86 BP 77 pulse ~ Down -00 ~ Total Lost 020 ~ 396 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 11:25 AM | Comments (0)

July 29, 2006

Ah the Dawn of a better feeling day & 20 lbs Lost!

Today I feel so much better, energetic, no intestinal misgivings, and the stomach seems happy. I’m drinking a protein shake (made with water not milk so a mere 200 calories yea!) Blood pressure still hanging higher than I want but I’m still working on that! I’ve been playing my self-made subliminal type tapes and I think all the healing and etc. that I tell myself to do is working. I feel more than a 100 percent better than I did yesterday and 300 percent better than the day before!

Not only that but I woke up with a Play project that even my sweetie’s excited about! It will make a fabulous play. I will have to get the outline down to preserve it while I finish up on my other book but I’ve always wanted to write a play, and this will be a blast to do! God I thank you for giving me the love of words and interplay between people, I’m finally starting to realize just how incredible my gift is, and I know, I know that I will be successful for it. Thank you God!

Yesterday I had a large salad, some bleu cheese dressing and croutons, peanut butter crackers (to settle my stomach more, which helped lower the frequent bathroom trips!) and that was it. Today I plan to have another salad. I might make an onion/mushroom/bell pepper risotto though, got some mushrooms needing to be used. I can package it up and relegate it to the freezer like all the higher calorie items. Hard frozen foods make it harder to eat so easily; I just take out a serving at a time. (Another thing I enjoy about the freezer, home cooked—thereby controlled salt and fat foods, and you always have choices that don’t have to be takeout or fast food!) I know I’ve been sick but I’m glad I’m going down again that’s for sure.

I’m 20 lbs down, that’s really great!

153/92 BP 61 pulse ~ Down -03 ~ Total Lost 020 ~ 396 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 11:20 AM | Comments (3)

July 28, 2006

Abdomen upsets Day two

Right now water is all my stomach seems to be able to bear. My blood pressure’s way up and I’m down a pound. No doubt it’s just water weight, but then most times when you’re as heavy as me that’s all it is for the first 20 or 30 lbs anyways. If my appetite should return I’ll probably drink a protein shake or some fruit or lettuce. I don’t think my stomach can handle anything too complex. I really hate for all those great veggies to go to waste, but then if you can't keep something down you can't keep it down. The only thing I want to keep down is my weight!

I slept most of the night except for bathroom breaks. Still I’m tired. I haven’t shaken the bug off yet. Nothing else to tell for now.

158/88 BP 65 pulse ~ Down -01 ~ Total Lost 017 ~ 399 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 9:42 AM | Comments (0)

July 27, 2006

Intestinal Discomfort

I must have picked up some kind of bug somewhere, possibly when I made the chicken a couple days ago. I haven't been able to eat anything today. This is going to throw my weight loss off. Sigh, it's so not easy. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Since I don't have health insurance like all the other people in this country who aren't millionaires or working for millionaires! I don't know if I'll get in tomorrow if I don't feel any better.

Posted by ijellorca at 9:56 PM | Comments (0)


I can’t stand the way I look. I just stood there really looking at what I’ve done to my body. This has been the hardest week so far emotionally with this journey of losing weight. I feel most uncomfortable. I can’t give up because that would mean what? There’s nothing sadder than realizing you’re responsible for your own folly. I’ve always been aware of this reality but I rarely take the time to drink in the complete picture so to speak. No change on weight, I suspect tomorrow the scale will show something different. I don’t know if that will make me feel better or not, because the reflection will still look the same. I guess whenever I feel like eating something not in keeping with my better health I should just run to the bathroom and stare in the mirror for a good 10 minutes and call it a day. If I can stare at that horrid reflection and eat something not good for me, well I might as well end it now! I’d have to be completely insane. I’m drinking my water and not feeling good that’s all there is to it. I’m going back to bed for a while. No energy for anything.

Yesterday’s foods:

3 pieces of chicken
3 rolls
Macaroni and cheese

Yup, I should have looked in the mirror.

144/80 BP 70 pulse ~ Down -00 ~ Total Lost 016 ~ 400 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 8:53 AM | Comments (0)

July 25, 2006

Feeling the Fat Day

Every morning that I weigh in I have to stand perfectly still to allow the weight to stabilize and finalize a weight. It’s a good scale that I have and believe me that’s not easy to find at my weight. Scales that register over 400 pounds are usually out of this world expensive which is why you usually only find them in doctors’ offices. This scale is wider and tells you the weight by voice. It’s digital so you get to deal with each and every nightmarish point in between the pounds! (JOY!) I round up at .5 and up like I learned in College Chemistry. (No sense me fooling myself about .6 or .7 those are pounds!) Well this morning’s weigh in brought a mini-downpour. Okay I did just get up and bones are creaky, groaning, and stiff, but it’s come up before. My thighs are so fat that it’s hard to hold them together to stand on the scale platform. Of my globular form right now that bothers me the most. So it takes muscular strength to stand completely still with my thighs forced together. Even though the scale’s wider than most it’s not as wide as a doctor’s scale and I’m always in socks when I weigh in or barefoot so that I’m working against a slick surface. Today it was so frustrating I put a towel across the scale but it was taking so long to stabilize the weight that my back began to hurt trying to stay perfectly still. I tried to weigh about four times before sitting on the toilet lid and crying. There’s so much to being fat that you never really bargain for.

Yeah the contract for being obese says you won’t be able to move very quickly or as far, sure no one will want to be around you or love you in this particular shape (Thank God my sweetie fell in love with me before I became the Michelin Man and realizes I’m more than my weight, even more than me) Sure you won’t be able to sit in every chair or every car, but you just don’t know how far reaching the nightmare is. I remember looking at obese people and wondering how they could live like that and look at me. There’s the rub in those kinds of thoughts. It’s not that I hated obese people but never understood how someone could get there. Now I’m there, God help me I’m there and I get Mini-downpours not about gaining weight on weigh-ins but about how difficult it is to just make like a statue so I can get the weight. Just to get the weight that’s all! If I listed all the complications and nightmares associated with this affliction then I’d never get off the computer and that’s simply before getting into any medical stressors that I’ve put my body through which if I think about now, too late eyes welling up. When did I stop loving me this much to ignore the fact I was in a barrel heading over Niagara Falls. When did I stop mattering to me? Well, so much for the tears; it’s just that I have more than the struggle with the weight; it’s a struggle for everything every single step of the way. It’s no wonder so many people give up. I sat down and cried and then told myself finally it’s only weight, weigh in tomorrow, but I knew then it would be another “OB (Obese) difficulty” that I would start shying away from. So I got back up and was determined to get my weight today. I did. I stood perfectly still and got Thank God didn’t gain anything. I didn’t lose, but I didn’t gain.

Last night on Oprah she was saying it’s really hard. There’s no fooling yourself it’s really hard work. No truer words were ever spoken. If you aren’t fighting the scale or food, or other people and their comments and suggestions then you’re fighting yourself in thoughts, words and actions. I’m a Warrior fighting a Hero-rific battle to get back to life real life with real people. I’m in a battle. I won a little tinsy tiny one today even before my day had started.

142/81 BP 71 pulse ~ Down -00 ~ Total Lost 016 ~ 400 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 7:22 AM | Comments (0)

July 24, 2006

That There's Good Med'cine!

I didn’t think I’d post again tonight but after watching the Oprah show I realized that there are a few more things to up my weight loss goals. A couple things that I believe are do-able: Work out at least 8 times a week, don’t eat late at night, Get those abs in religiously. Watch your portions and get protein in at night to sustain my energy through the night until breakfast. If I plan that better then I feel I’ll actually want breakfast and remember to ingest it. I’m going to start the no eating after 8pm tomorrow. Considering the fact I rarely start ingesting anything before 10 AM, I’m really going to have to be more diligent in getting my meals in.

Tonight I didn’t have a protein shake but I had:

2 cups of Cherry Tomatoes
1 head of Romaine Lettuce w/croutons & Bleu cheese dressing
Macaroni and cheese (Home made)

I feel full, not uncomfortable and not stuffed I guess I should say satiated. I think I had about ½ cup more than I really needed. I didn’t eat all this at one time it was over the space of about 6 hours, but I didn’t finish until after 8:30PM but tomorrow no more. I know this the Macaroni and cheese was a little heavy. I don’t like that heavy feeling. And doggonnit I’m not going to eat heavy at night anymore. Protein shakes and carrots will probably work best, if not yogurt. Well I’m off again; I look forward to a healthier and calorie expending day!

Posted by ijellorca at 9:34 PM | Comments (0)

Hot Distractions!

Well the heat hit and I was taken out as if Joe Louis threw the punch! Eating wasn’t kept track of except minimally. I’ve been drinking a lot of water and have been wilted like old lettuce! Today I had a slice of Veggie pizza. I don’t know what the cal count is on it and I’ll be honest, I’m too tired to care. The air conditioner even threw its feet up in the air like a dead bug. Poor thing. Don’t much blame it, it’s not the kind of weather I’m used to, or have ever been in either. Had to finally order a new one for the bedroom which faces west and the setting sun reaches its tendrils in here after 3pm and extracts whatever hope of life giving coolness is left by the closed curtains. I’m so glad it’s supposed to be below 90 tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.

You can’t think with all the super white noise of those fans! Don’t get me wrong, without them I wouldn’t even be able to write today! I thought my blood pressure was up who’d have thought it was actually lower than it’s been. I did go up 2 pounds but I can live with that right now. No workouts in the past 4 days, other than walks with the dogs. Even they are breathing heavy. One things for certain, being obese in a heat wave is like throwing a hunk of salt pork in the old cast iron skillet . . . there’s nowhere to hide! You’d think I’d have sweated off a load of water, but I guess not. Maybe it will show up during tomorrow’s weigh in.

I’ve been eating cucumbers, because they’re supposed to help lower your body temperature. I’ve been downing all the cool veggies and fruits I can get in the fridge until I ordered a pizza yesterday. I’ve bagged the majority of it up and stored in the fridge. I’ll probably shove it in the deep freeze later. I’m too disgusted with my fat to eat any more than the few slices I had. Like I said today I had one. I wanted to fast today because of the heat, but too late ate the pizza slice. I’ll be making a protein shake when I get done posting. It’ll be cool and I make it with water instead of milk so that makes it even more refreshing! I’ve got some more cherry tomatoes with my name on it, they don’t last long so it’s a good day to pop some of those and maybe drop the rest in a salad later tonight. I thank God I bought all those vegetables last week before the big sizzle, they’ve helped me cool off and they tasted so green earth great!!

It’s been a frustration though to feel so listless and hot. I want to work out but as soon as I try I feel like I’m sweating to death. I tried doing my weightlifting under the fan; arms just felt week and more out of shape than before! Sigh. Oh well tomorrow’s Tuesday and I’ll be up in the AM working out. I’ll have to work out straight through Sunday to make up for the days missed this past weekend. I can’t let things slip completely out of control!

My niece called and she’s having issues and ended up crying before hanging up the phone. I guess she was feeling vulnerable, not what I expected. I have to remember that empowering people sometimes requires only listening and not discussing the very issues the person claims they want to talk about. Unfortunately I tend to take people at their word to avoid confusion. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have the ability to speak at all. I wonder if then I’d be a better writer! Hmm, there’s something so enticing about not being able to speak. You just don’t have to answer people if you don’t want to.

When I first watched “As Good as it Gets” the movie with Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson, there was this scene where they were in a restaurant. He has this moment of vulnerable communication with Helen Hunt and he rubs his face and head and says something about it being so exhausting, conversations. That’s how I feel sometimes when it comes to playing counselor to people. I know that when you’re a good listener people think you’re so wise or something. I’m not saying I’m not wise or that I am, but sometimes I just feel exhausted having to respond. I love great conversations but sometimes I just don’t want to say anything, I just want to “exist” and nothing more. I really am cut out for writing because I’m pretty much a recluse these days. I see why so many writers are this way, you need time to clear your mind of other people’s issues and trappings and then you have to clear your mind of your own trappings so that you can enter the world of your characters and not come out until you have it all on paper. Would that I could do such a thing, I’d surely make money because my imagination is vast and unusual.

Well I’ll send my niece warm loving hugs and embraces and pray she can bounce back from her tears today soon. I seem to be handling the heat a wee bit better today. Of course this is before the afternoon Sun’s tendrils begin their reach into our meagerly protected domicile! Till tomorrow I think, and till then let it snow, Let It Snow, LET IT SNOW!!! Hey I can dream can’t I?

149/86 BP 61 pulse ~ Up -02 ~ Total Lost 016 ~ 400 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 3:12 PM | Comments (0)

July 20, 2006

Grimm Fairy Tale!

I was on the right road to Great health and then let my big bad self pounce!

Well I was doing really great today with protein and veggies, then I went and got a fast food treat for my dogs for having to go to the big bad groomers. I actually went through a McDonald’s and didn’t get anything for me just a few chicken strips to put with their dinner. (No worries animal lovers that’s happened like 3 times in their lives period) So I felt pretty proud then we stopped by aunt’s job so she could see the cleanly brush fluff balls and she was shorthanded so I handed over their treats so she had something to eat because she wouldn’t have had time to go get lunch. Well I headed right down the road after that to get them their promised treats and found myself ordering egg rolls and 2 tacos. Total damage about 1400 calories! The sodium count is a nightmare let alone the carbs and fat! I’m owning up to my swift fall off the wagon so that I can climb back on this very minute! I’m ashamed and don’t feel good about it, but owning up to it is something I must to so that I can read this back in another week or two or whenever and remind myself that this kind of slip up can’t happen. One slip up and then you’re on two and then you’re no longer on the yellow brick road! Looks like I’ll be making up for misdeeds tomorrow. Still didn’t eat popcorn, couldn’t fit it in if I wanted to now. I’ve been drinking water like crazy since I ingested the ilk. How to take this shameful moment really, I hold my head up high, remember I’m human, and no more fast food treats for anyone! I matter more than fast food any day!

Posted by ijellorca at 10:48 PM | Comments (3)

Looking back…

It’s not lost on me that I started posting here a while back with other more pressing (Under Pressure!) issues in my life. I can see my progress hasn’t been stellar, or even hmm, progress. Each day that I get up my thoughts are on limbering up and stretching and exercising and making my body feel better when it tries to move, bend, step or exercise! Life just has to be better than not fitting into your life, or your skin, or your car! Let’s just say it’s too tight of a fit for me to feel comfortable.

I am noticing the change though. As I traverse the stairs I don’t have to hold the railing as much. I don’t hunch over or stop on each landing for a little sit-down or rest. My right knew remains somewhat stiff, but the squats and the aerobics are loosening that up too. I might start keeping track of my crunches so that I can increase that too. I haven’t been doing them every day but I don’t really see why I shouldn’t. My abdomen, and illiacs really need it.

Today I really wanted an eggo waffle with butter and syrup. I went into the kitchen and as I started cleaning up last night’s dished decided to make up some tuna. I chopped up some red bell peppers, onions, grapes, and celery and mixed it up. I started the day with a protein shake and then a few hours later had the tuna. Great protein. Since I didn’t have the popcorn last night, (I had a protein shake and the 100 calorie pack of Oreo thins instead) I’ll pop some up early or late afternoon and eat on that most of the evening with a possible protein shake later tonight. I’m finding that I get full quicker, but I’m eating more often. I’ll be honest I seem to be feeling the need for a nap each afternoon, not sure what that’s all about. I thought it was writing late at night but last night I went to bed before 2AM. Hmm, we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

Weight was the same today, as expected but not up. Blood pressure’s down a bit, good. I’m feeling my muscles (the little dears) again. Being aware of myself physically as well as on all levels is feeling nice. I’m actually becoming my passion again; I sure am hoping to be there still and even further in another month or so. Just the other day I was brushing my hair and thinking I really love my hair and the way it ringlets out when I twist it. I’m loving it more and more. It used to be I just wanted to shave it all off but I’m seeing myself in a whole new light, I’m seeing my self worth for real this time. I’m so glad I’m me, even as an obese person. (For the moment obese anyways) Time to git! I’m not sure if I’ll be able to post later, got some serious cleaning to do today, including the carpets. Woo hoo more exercise!

154/82 BP 82 pulse ~ down -00 ~ Total Lost 018 ~ 398 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 11:30 AM | Comments (0)

July 19, 2006

The Nuts and Bolts of Things!

My eating decisions are getting better especially with all the lovely veggies in the house. Yester I swear I was eating all day. I had started with a salad then protein shake, then veggie sandwich, then chicken breast with ¼ cup of noodles; lastly I ate a veggie sandwich with 2 slices of bologna. That of course was the span of the whole day. I wanted popcorn but needed more protein and veggies. Total calories ingested: 2557. I haven’t focused really on a specific set calorie count because I really want to get my mind wrapped around the cause and effects of what and how I eat before I start setting limits. I really want to “get it” so that the limits I choose to set are limits that I want to set and feel good about instead of feeling deprived or oppressed by them.

Today I started out with the weightlifting and aerobics. I had little carrots, grapes, cucumber slices, a little bleu cheese dressing (2 tablespoons) and a non-fat yogurt for breakfast. About 4 hours later I had a large salad with cherry tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, and croutons w/dressing. That was almost 4 hours ago. I’m feeling hungry and I need some protein, so I think I’ll have a couple eggs. I still want the popcorn, but I need protein right now more than carbs. I’m really feeling good about my eating; it’s a big shift for someone who was eating willy nilly and unconsciously. The ice cream’s still unopened, but I’m not hungry for sweets. I’m hungry for foody things. I actually thought for a quick minute earlier about some kind of fast food. I think the smells of other people’s cooking was queuing me to think that way. Smells really get me thinking on foods. It would be nothing to hop down to Jack in the box for some food, but I’m not driving anywhere. I’m going to go make a couple eggs to quell the protein cravings and maybe, just maybe I’ll have popcorn later to sustain my late night writing. I have been tired the last couple days, well maybe tired isn’t the best word for it. I have taken afternoon naps but I’ve been writing till 3 am lately and that’s probably more to do with it than my eating. It will all feel so good when I drop another 10, 20, 30, lbs only this time I can’t stop going down I’ve got to make it at least half way to my goal before I believe I’m truly on the right path, because it’s too easy for me to backslide at this moment!

Blood pressure’s up again, but that’s understandable I guess until I drop a 100 pounds. Then if it doesn’t go back down I’ll seek out possible medication… hmm knowing me, maybe after I drop 200 pounds! I hate taking medicine, and I’m way too inconsistent about it, still not able to stomach even multi-vitamins on a daily basis. Routine is just not my friend yet, but we’re at the talking phase that’s for sure!

160/80 BP 70 pulse ~ down -07 ~ Total Lost 018 ~ 398 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 7:43 PM | Comments (2)

July 17, 2006

Baby steps are getting BIGGER!

That just translates to me getting smaller! Still could do better on the eating but did make some better choices. Today I put an order to Sam’s Club for veggies and salad mixings since I’m all out. I also ordered some of those 100-calorie packs of cookies in case I get the sweets cravings but at least it’s portioned to count better calories. I have a cookie jar now and I don’t ingest the cookies there that often, my brother tends to eat out of it. I’ll just drop the cookie packs in there. Mostly I can’t wait to have a wonderful veggie sandwich of cucumbers/mushrooms/tomatoes/lettuce/roasted bell peppers. Like I said I’m thick headed but I’m moving toward the right direction, then I guess I’ll move towards the goal! I did get my weightlifting and squats in this afternoon. I’m still trying to get myself to do the 2nd workout. I plan on being there tomorrow! We’ll see.

Salad with tomatoes bleu cheese dressing
7 hotdogs, with buns (low fat small variety)
Snapple Peach tea mixed with water
10 grapes, 2 cherries

Today’s food had too much fat and carbs. Tomorrow I’ll get in a couple protein shakes if that’s what it take to up the protein, but I’ll do it. For afternoons I’m thinking that popcorn and carrots are a good low cal filler to stop any other cravings. Hey… Still haven’t opened the ice cream. Craving regular food mostly. I think I’ll put in the walk away the pounds tape real quickly and get in 10 minutes at least. Back in a minute.

Well I got a little workout in and it’s queued up and ready to go for the am wake up call! Yeah! So I got the second workout in, even though it’s after 11PM. I’m pretty proud of myself right now, and to think it didn’t have to be drawn out and lengthy, and I didn’t have to do the whole tape!

Posted by ijellorca at 11:13 PM | Comments (2)

Not feeling full fledged motivation

I’m not out of the woods yet; I still need to do more to help myself. (To “Health” myself!) Still, I got up and worked out first, broke a sweat, took the dogs downstairs and came back and weighed myself. I took my blood pressure, which is markedly down. It’s been more consistent than my weight on the scale. Now that I’m getting my bearings I’ll be mindful of where I’m headed. Not immediately, but I feel it seeping back into me. Normally in the past I made good strides in weight loss and then thought to myself: “well I can do this again when I need to” and would proceed to ignore my weight loss goals for a while. Of course I gain all that weight back and lie to myself that it would be no problem to get it off. I believe now, and have always half suspected that it’s calories in, and calories out that create weight loss or gain. Okay, okay so that’s been physics of things forever, but getting it through the thickest part of my body, my head, isn’t easy! I’m not saying only calorie counting will work, but the actual number of calories ingested versus the calories expended, via just basal expenditure or exercise.

I’m going to have to move more there’s no doubt about it. Anyways I’ll get on with my day. 405 more pounds to go, soon it will be less than 400 lbs till my goal, and then 380 and 320 and 250 etc… It’s a challenge. I should think about it like I paid off my car loan early. If I 863 dollars I’d pay off 13 to get to 850 and then after finance and the regular payment I’d be down to 624 and I’d pay the 24 dollars. I’d send over money to the loan from my account to clear out any cents. I just played this game with myself until the bank actually owed me money and I paid it off months early. I can do this. My next goal is to get under 400lbs till my goal weight! I can do that! Somehow it feels better to get closer to my goal that way then to look at the horrific weight I’m currently at!

Time for a little meal! Later.

150/83 BP 72 pulse ~ down -02 ~ Total Lost 011 ~ 405 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 9:55 AM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2006

Not the results I was looking for

What could I have done different yesterday?

Drank more water and Exercised more. Today my eating wasn’t great but I got a wonderful large salad in and it was nummy! I wish I had fresh salad greens every day, and I wish I had the wherewithal to remember to pull it out of the fridge to eat every day also! (I often forget the food in the crisper, yikes!) I really need to plan my meals and stick to them… hmm sounds like commitment! I don’t like that word still!!

Today I will give myself a pat on the back because tonight I felt hungry but I didn’t really want to eat chicken again. I thought about carrots but too cold! Then I thought maybe ice cream… okay! Too cold! I didn’t want to make anything and for a quick minute I thought: Pizza? Thank God that swept away with the thought of the grease and the expense. So I resigned to find leftovers in the fridge, other than the chicken. Found the leftover lettuce from last weekend’s babaQ and the tomatoes then made a salad. I had the soup, with the salad and some Fresca. I thought I’d make some popcorn tonight and watch movies, but well I’m too full for that. I might make some tea later, but even that sounds ambitious for me right now. Tomorrow morning early I think the kids and I will head to Alki to check out our Condominium and walk a little. I want to get more walking in. If I can get myself together I’ll get in a little bit of the Walk away the pounds tape tonight. I want to lose weight and I want to do it now! I was just thinking today, instead of buying a nice big tunic to hide my belly and rolls, it would be cheaper to just lose weight and firm up!

Well tomorrow I can definitely do a protein shake in the am, a salad with the last of the lettuce, some carrots and I guess possibly a chicken meal, another protein shake with some strawberries, and some grapes and/or cherries. Add tea and or coffee and I’d say that should be a good eating day. I’ll let you know how I do. I vow to not buy any food tomorrow, I vow to walk a little this morning even if it’s only in the parking lot, and I’m going to do it. Those are my challenges for tomorrow. I’ll check in tomorrow. Maybe just maybe I won’t go up in lbs at all! I sure hope so!

(Boiled chicken w/ noodles)
½ cup of black-eyed peas
Large salad with tomato and crouton and blue cheese dressing
Split pea soup/noodles/chicken
3 raisin bran muffins
1 croissant

158/87 BP 69 pulse ~ down -02 ~ Total Lost 007 ~ 409 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca at 9:12 PM | Comments (2)

July 14, 2006

Can do better, thank God there’s Tomorrow!

Well Blood pressure is slightly better. Eating was all over the place and not controlled like I’m hoping to get to eventually again. Weight isn’t exact because I didn’t wait for the lbs to stabilize. (impatient this morning! Who knows why) I’m not really worried about the weight number today. Changed batteries today so we’ll see how the numbers change tomorrow. Felt calm today, wasn’t very productive. Keeping it short tonight, but tomorrow I’ll try to post more.

Mini shredded wheat
3 croissants
2 raisin bran muffins
2 chicken breasts
2 cups of noodles

It’s definitely heavy on the carbs, will get protein shakes in tomorrow!

153/82 BP 75 pulse up 4 lbs Total down 9 407 more to go

Posted by ijellorca at 8:39 PM | Comments (2)

July 13, 2006

Down Thank God DOWN!!!

Well the scale is going down and I’m exercising. I’ve challenged myself to run up my 3 flights of stairs from now on and so far I feel pretty good doing this. I’m exercising in the morning with my mom, only she’s at her place and I’m at mine. I’m worth more than the crap I’ve done to my body! From now on I’ll keep track of my blood pressure, weight lost, the pounds to go till goal weight, and food for the day. Instead of posting my actual weight, I’ll focus on where I’m headed by what I’m trying to get rid of. It feels more like a challenge to me and it keeps my current weight from becoming my focus, and keeps my goal weight from terrifying me! I’ll try to get here every day because I do so much better when I post, but no guarantees, knowing me. Despite my long list of foods eaten that will terrorize me each day it will serve to remind me to cut way back!

3 croissants
2 bran muffins
Greek salad
4 Popsicles

156/83 Blood pressure pulse 76 13 lbs down 403 to go.

Posted by ijellorca at 10:18 PM | Comments (0)

July 12, 2006

Unconscious living

I’ve put massive weight back on. That’s it I’m back on count down. Down! Crazy, shameful and disgusting, it’s useless to say I’m unhappy. I’m almost 600lbs! Really!

I’ve literally gained 46 lbs in the past 3 months or so. I hate food; I hate my disregard for my health. I’m beginning to think I really hate myself.

Baby steps, one day, one hour, one minute at a time!

6 hours 0lbs down 416lbs more to go

Posted by ijellorca at 1:54 AM | Comments (0)

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