Becoming My Passion

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February 18, 2008

I want to Disappear

I have been depressed all day. I just do not feel appreciated, but then again I don’t appreciate myself very well either, so no surprise. I feel so oppressed right now with my life. I wish I wasn’t in a relationship, it makes me feel bad right now, but then I brought that on myself. I’m sick of my body, I’m sick of my behavior, I’m just sick of everything. I couldn’t even get it together enough to complete my school assignments today. I’ve never done that. That means more pressure tonight and tomorrow to get that done. Usually when I get done with my work I feel free for a quick minute, but now I’ve got stuff from last week butting into work from this week. I just want to sleep all the time. I slept all morning, then most of this early evening. I haven’t felt this low in a long time, but such is life. I wish that I could just dry up, turn to dust, and blow away. I’m tired of feeling scared of what I’m doing to my life and with my life. I know that there will be a more upbeat time, but right now it just sounds exhausting to even think about it. I just turned 45, I don’t feel 45 today I feel 60. I feel old and bedraggled. I wish that I had made better choices in life. I’m sad for the choices I made and here’s another year of being obese and sad. Yippee for me.

Posted by ijellorca on February 18, 2008 11:16 PM | DIGG | | furl


I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I really know what it's like to want to disappear. You mentioned that you feel sad for the choices you've made for youself. I think it's ok to feel sad about but it made me think about how we all learn from our past choices. You are further along now and have more knowledge based on those choices you made (what worked; what didn't work). I believe that when we know better, we do better. You have the power to look at those past choices, really think about what would need to change in order to make new choices now that will yield you the outcome that you want. I know that's a lot easier said than done, however I just wanted to be an outside voice to remind you that although it may be difficult, it certainly is possible. I very often need an outside voice reminding me of that. I hope you're feeling better soon.

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