June 25, 2010

Pull free since May 3rd

Coming up on my two month pull-free anniversary! I'm doing great. My hair is very full and shiny. I guess I was ready for another pull-free time and it came to me. I've had my challenges such as picking at the split ends and seeing a really dark hair, that I usually would feel like "needed" to be pulled, but I left it alone. I feel proud of myself!

Posted by Cody | Filed under:

May 14, 2010

It's been a very long time since I posted about hair pulling

It's been a very long time since I posted. I seem to have drifted inside myself for so long that I"m having trouble resurfacing. So much has changed. I want so much for life to slow down. Things are getting better though, in their own gradual, step-by-step way.

I am almost 11 days pull free which is my longest pull free streak in probably a year or more. My pulling was getting very bad again and I had really ravaged the hair on the left side of my head. Then one morning, I just decided I'd had enough. That seems to be how most of my pull-free spells seem to start. That feeling of "Enough is enough". My hair is growing in baby fine on that side. I had a bald spot nearly the size of my palm there. The other side of my head had a few quarter sized bald spots. The top was getting thin and fuzzy as well which I hated because for two years I've been able to part my hair wherever I want and I've gotten used to it. I didn't like it when it started getting bad again.

I have really grown up a lot inside the past two years. I'm trying to live more in the present and stop dissociating so much and cutting myself off from my emotions. It's not easy, but worth it.

I will keep posting about my regrowth. :-)

Posted by Cody | Filed under:

March 8, 2009

It's been a long time since I posted about trich

It's been a long time since I posted anything. I'm sorry for my absence. There has been a lot that has happened since I last posted. I think that last summer I started to make some changes in my life. I started by giving a better home to the pup that I really did love but didn't have time for. This made my home quieter and more relaxed (even though sometimes I really do miss his silly face and warm body). I've also lost my job working for my father, as his business has gone under after years and years of struggle. Now I'm a full time mom. For being something that I had wished for forever, it took some getting used to. I really do feel very blessed most of the time, but other times I am completely burnt out and used up. When I was working I often felt it was okay to have someone else watch the kids while I worked and got caught up on things, but now since it is basically my life and my "job" to watch and raise the kids, I don't feel like it's okay for me to have my mom or someone come and take over for a while. I'm not sure why this is. I think most moms know that at least SOME time away regularly actually makes you a better mom. You're able to gain perspective, think for a while, and come back refreshed. But I have such a hard time accepting this! When I have my mom or someone come over for a while, I feel so lazy and selfish. I do want to stop thinking this way, but it is going to take some time, and it may never happen. :-)

I'm still attending art school online which is very challenging and which I've almost quit three times. :-) The only thing that is really keeping my going right now is the fact that I love learning, and the fact that I have no way of paying back my student loans while I'm jobless, so I might as well keep on learning. I do feel like I have a future as a designer, but I'll never take any job that will take me away from my children too often, even when they're in high school. Of course, I say that now, but ask me again in about ten years and see what I say. :-)

Time does pass all too quickly sometimes. Jamie is about to turn three and Sammie turned six two months ago. How is that POSSIBLE? Looking back, it SEEMS like it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like it's gone like the blink of an eye. Motherhood is such a contradiction in emotion...all the time we want them to grow up and become independent, while at the same time we want to stop them where they are or even go BACK in time to when they were tiny babies. Time is also like a snowball going down a hill...it just keeps going faster with the bigger it gets. Sometimes I wonder how my mind and heart will handle all of these memories and emotions from all the years, but somehow, I handle it. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I even want to stop moving, but somehow I keep going.

I still pull my hair too much. My hair is about 1/3 missing right now. I was pull free last spring and summer up until about November when we realized I was going to lose my job and lose my income. STRESS! So I sadly started pulling again. I really DO want to be pull free. I feel like a failure because I'm not pull free. I'm ready for a pull-free time to come again.

Once I lost my job, we were forced to declare bankruptcy after struggling for a long time. Fortunately we've been able to keep our cars and our house, but it has still been such a hard time. I've always wanted to be accountable for my debt. We made so many mistakes. And I couldn't face the world outside my home and leave my children to get a job. The very idea just broke my heart. Thankfully, praise God, through these trials we've found a way for me to stay home with the kids, which is the best thing for me and them. And I'm so thankful. I can't put into words what it feels like to sit here on a Sunday night knowing that for days and days to come, my responsibilities are only to keep and teach and care for my children, and that will be the majority of my life. It is a blessing. There are so many material things that I can no longer have because of this decision, but I'm grateful that we are in this place now. I have only one pair of jeans, holes in most of my socks, and a broken washing machine, but I know that tomorrow I'll be there when my kids wake up and I'll be there when Sammie gets home from school and I'll be there when they eat the dinner that I made and I'll be there to get them their baths and play with them and put them to be. I'll be there. And isn't that amazing? I'll be there to take Sammie to school every morning and kiss her goodbye and tell her I'll see her off the bus in the afternoon. I'll be there to play with Jamie and watch his favorite movie for the 300th time. I'll be there to take them outside after school and look for signs of spring and maybe dig for worms. There is so much to look forward to.

I guess that sometimes I think that my hair pulling rules my life. But it doesn't have to. Maybe if I just let go and let God, I can be the person that I need to be. With all my hair and everything.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody | Filed under: | Comments (3)

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