Today I had a real hard day
Today I had a real bad day as far as arguing with my husband, which always brings on the urge to pull. These were my first urges for about a week or more. Which scared me. So what did I do? I dyed my hauir a lighter blonde color. :-) I hope this makes my hair more of a uniform color so that I won't notice the odd hairs so much. My hair is looking so full and nice that I just can't imagine ruining it. Not now. Not after all this time, and all this progress. I can't imagine starting to pull again.
My husband and I do argue alot, which wears on me. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, a lot, I just think we have differences. I would never leave him. It's just that the arguing gets to me. The bickering. We never really fight, to where we raise our voices or anything, so it's not terrible. I just hate arguing. I hate confrontation. We've been married for six years now, and as the years have gone by, I realize that I did make a good choice for a life partner, I just did not marry my "soul mate", should such a think exist. And you know, that's okay. Because I don't think marriage is so much about love as it is about making a concious decision to stay with the person you've chosen, and to honor, care about, and love them. But, my husband has let me down a number of times.
When I had my miscarriage, at about ten weeks pregnant, I was terrified. My husband found a way to twist it, saying that I lied to him and wasn't honest about losing the baby. Which is strange because I went into the bedroom with tears in my eyes, woke him up and told him: "I lost the baby". You just don't get any more honest than that, my friends. He gave me the cold shoulder all through Christmas, which was really hard when I was in the emergency room with doctors and nurses poking and proding everywhere. I was so alone. I don't think I've ever really come back from that day.
Those are just the kinds of things that have driven us apart over the years. I just don't want to be close to him emotionally. I just don't want to try anymore. I just accept things the way they are. That's part of making this concious decision I guess.
Ah well.
I am also tired of being fat. I've been doing my FIRM workouts and I love them...I'm down four pounds so far. But I'm still so fat. It sometimes feel like the weight really did pile on overnight. *sigh* I hate being so big and clumsy. I'm doing my best to change it though, I just have to take it day by day.
Until next time.
Posted by Cody on January 10, 2005 8:23 PM
Hey there Cody :)I was chatting with your sis and Mae last night and your sis emailed me your geocities site so I could see how beautiful you are. I saw the 'portrait pics', and she si right, you are beautiful! Your hair looked good. I also told your sis that I see a resemblance between you two but she denies looking pretty at all, though she says Caroline is very pretty and emailed me a pic of 'caroline' holding Sarah and smiling and looking quite beautiful. I'm a firm believer in beauty starts on the inside, and y'all are pretty in and out.I'd suggest you continue and follow up with your doc on the thyroid, esp with it's post partum secret attacks.It's interesting you mentioned the yeast. FMS sufferers usually have an overabundance of yeast in the systems because of repeated antibiotic use killing bacteria so you get natural amounts of yeast becoming yeast overgrowth. And yes it's tied directly to sugar consumption. Sorry to say. For the yeast, my doc recommended a teaspoon of (live bacteria-damn I can't remember the name......ok, acidophilus) daily. Felt sicker before I felt better.Sorry about your punkin. When my Jen was growin up we had some acreage north of Phx a couple of hours and off the hwy. It was at an intersection of the only County forest road and the old hwy. Jen and I would talk about our 'ranch' and since we were allergic to cats, we'd talk about having barn kitties. Thanks for helping me to remember that sweet childish dream.(Now dad has entire interest and is divorcing mom so won't be any barn kitties any time soon...we may have to visit you!!)And there's nothing more important than being with your daughter (& husband)....so don't worry bout sleep adjustments this week. If it's a real problem for you, move out here to AZ, we don't switch our clocks EVER.Take care....I'm in pretty much daily contact with your sis or her 'inner buddies'....I hope my friendship and ear can help.Hugs and Blessings, Judy
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 10/28/2004 09:03:59 PM
Hi Cody,Was hoping to check in here and get news of your husband's test results. You are right...waiting sucks!You all are in my thoughts and prayers,Hugs and Blessings, Judy
Dear Cody,I want to come and have fun with you & Pilgrim for Xmas!! I know being together will be so good for you both.Still wondering how your husband's tests came out.Still praying and won't stop.Big hugs, Judy
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 11/9/2004 08:15:37 PM
Ahhh, you guys quit worrying about me. I've always been ok somehow, haven't I?
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 11/17/2004 08:30:46 PM
I wish I knew what to tell you :(hang in there for a couple more weeks and I'll be there and i'll help all i can
Hi Cody,Your sis has a great throw the ice cubes into the shower tub release technique and some others like that. Glad you aren't pulling, understand the need to have an outlet. Mine is shopping, internet shopping. I was an Avon Lady for a couple of years and still buy lots of stuff from them, .. Christmas is easily handled this way. And I do get the discount, but I still spend more than I should.Believe me sweet gal, Sarah will be unphased by your argument with your husband, as long as it doesn't become an ongoing part of her life. She is young and won't remember this incident, you have not scarred her. You and your hubby need to get it together for your selves, each other, and Sarah. Pilgrim read a Dr. Phil book Family First, maybe you could go through Relationship rescue and get some tips...not to change you or hubby, but to validate what you are doing right and help guide you where you need a little help. Better now than when it's too late. My ex and I divorced when Jen was about Sarah's age; parenthood brought out his adult child of an alcoholic addictive behavior, and he was cruel to me. Tried to save it for a year but...If I had the book then, don't know what may have happened differently.So glad you & your sis will be together soon. I know she wants to be there for you, and you can help get her away from the group for 'sister time' when she needs a break, I'm hoping. Have you met Caroline & Mae & Jo (formerly nobody)? Maybe, you could let Mae play with Sarah, with you there of course, out of sight of the family. That would be a nice break for her. And maybe you can help to boost your sis's morale, as it's kinda time for her to step up and not fade as much.Anyway, I want the best for all of you!Hugs and Blessings, Judy
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 11/29/2004 07:29:47 PM
""I'm more than my weight, and I won't let my weight hold me back from enjoying my life anymore. I'm tired of doing that. I think that if I can become comfortable with myself here, instead of hating myself, THEN I will be able to lose the weight.""Kudos to you kiddo! You are more than your weight, soooo much more. At the same time congratulations on your goal and path to better health using WW. And cognrats on the almost 5 lbs. Sounds doable by Feb if you stay committed.Glad your husband is seeing someone else. My goodness this thing on his side must be addressed.And glad Sammy is doing well. Will your sis still be visiting for Sammy's birthday celebration??? That would be so wonderful for her.Big hugs and Blessings, Judy
Thanks Judy! I love always having messages from you! I've been meaning to get your e-mail from my sister but just haven't found the time just yet. Pilgrim will be here for Sammy's birthday and I'm SO GLAD. She can keep Sammy busy while I get everything ready for the party. :-) Can't wait!!Hope you're doing well and thanks again for all your messages. They really make a difference.
Hey!! i cant sign in for some reason. But i wanted everyone to know that YOU LOOK AMAZING!!You guys should see my sister's hair!! I have never seen it this thick and gorgeous before. She looks INCREDIBLE. Her hair is just beautiful. I've never seen it look this good.Cody you look terrific I PROMISE. You do not look fat at all and you cannot tell that you ever pulled your hair. It looks great.
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 12/9/2004 09:38:43 PM
Your hair looks AMAZING!!! (I'm at work right now, dont want to log in). I have NEVER seen your hair look this good in your whole life. I'm so glad youre happy with it. Even IF you ever do pull it again, remember that you CAN stop again, you have proven now that you CAN do it. Your hair just looks fantastic. Over Christmas I just kept sneaking looks at your hair and saying to myself, "Wow".I MISS YOU GUYS!! your sister
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 12/16/2004 09:13:26 PM
DATE: 12/17/2004 04:29:37 PM
You totally rock on your NOW 6.2 pounds loss. Yay!!When I get to your house, I will keep busy helping you out around the house and with Sam . I really, really, REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY want you to have a break. I'll do anything I can to help out.
DATE: 11/30/2004 08:32:02 AM
Hi there Cody girl,I'm so glad to hear word on your husband's tests. Praise God! Fatty tumor mass sounds better than other possible outcomes. Though for him, surgery is surgery. But with this once the surgery is over and he's healed that should be it, right?OMG about your hubby's tooth!! OUCH!!! Bless his heart, thank God the infection is healing. My husband Frank is 43 and lost all of his teeth in his 20's, early 30's, due to diabetes. They rotted from the inside out from the high sugar content in the blood to the roots. He's not lucky enough to get the permanent dentures because his jaw is too far erroded. :( I'm glad that even though the process is gonna be a drag, one he's done, your husband will have a healthy set of chompers and be able to eat without reserve!! And no pain! Not to mention a beautiful smile. My Frank's teeth look better than mine, his are fake and mine have $2000+ orthodontic work in on them...there's been a shift in my front top two teeth, one has pushed forward a miniscule amount and his are whiter!!!I believe that you are right. God has been listening to you for all these years and perhaps the gift of Sarah and appreciating her lovely soft hair inspired your healing. Keep praying throughout these troubled times, and God will see you through again.I am worried about Pilgrim also. That Missy is a handful to put it kindly. I think nobody is just a hurt teen and not a threat like Missy, except for the eating disorder. And the Bully, well don't have a clue on his motivation or purpose for even being there????You're right, we can care, befriend, love, Pilgrim, yet not having DID ourselves we can't truly understand.Have you read First Person Plural by Cameron West? nobody recommended it to me and I couldn't put it down. If you haven't read it and would like to I'm through with it and could send it to Pilgrim to send to you or to you if you let her give me the address. Pilgrim recommended 'the Flock' next, so after the holidays, I'll hit amazon.com again. I know that Pilgrim will be seeing you for the holidays, as well as the rest of the family, and she's preparing for that. I hope you can help her through that time as I'm sure you do.Take care, God Bless you & yours especially your husband's medical issues, Hugs and Blessings, Judy
DATE: 11/19/2004 03:17:05 PM
When I get there in a month, I'll be able to help you out around the house and help with Sarah. We will have LOTS of fun while we get ready for Christmas. I can't wait~
DATE: 11/15/2004 11:13:21 PM
Dear Kody,I'm anxious to hear about the outcome of your husband's tests. I know your top priority right now is NOT posting here. But I want you to know I'm praying for you both and fully expecting a miracle.Your sis has my email address and feel free to get it from her if you want to chat off this board. I'm terrible at catching to actually chat on IM's, but I am a fervent email reader and replier. I'd love to have a sideline where we could chat freely.God Bless You and Yours, Hugs, Big Ones!! Judy
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 11/3/2004 09:26:38 PM
DATE: 11/2/2004 09:30:36 AM
Hi Cody,Glad to help, hope the thyroid treatment helps....Docs look at a range of 'normal' & don't discuss your score because it's 'normal'; but if they'd listen to us and look at us and look at the score and how close to borderline it is, maybe they could help. Here's hoping you are helped. Especially when I read that you've gained since May. I'd bet you're like me, in that I don't eat an amount or kind of food to create the weight I'm at (ok I'll say it 200 OMG---& I know what you mean about how we look in the mirror & how we look in pictures, yikes! I was always thin until a post pg diet, and another, and another).I didn't want to be a fat mom either. I was 24 when Jen was born and thought I was fat at 160. What I'd give to *poof* back to that weight! Size 14's? Oh yeah, that was a great size. Even pics of me, looking back now, I looked great...needed a fresh haircut maybe, but looked great. Now I'm happy if the size 18 jeans fit rather than the 18W!!! Like you said, this is so not me! I'll get on that treadmill in teh other room yet. Seems I'd rather come here and find comfort and friendship sharing and caring with folks like you & your wonderful sister! Then I'm tired and go take a nap....oh well, can't have it all, well not today anyway!! LOLLook forward to hearing about the thyroid treatment. It did a lot for me, I did go from 180 down to 155ish after 2 years on the strict FMS diet....no white sugar, white flower, white rice, red meat, caffeine, and lots of fruits and vegetables and only chicken or fish and no fried and gallons(!) of water....think I'll alter that if I go back on it.Must include all greens, like mint chocolate chip ice cream, which I was just discussing with Michelle!All the best to you and Sarah!!And one more thing, she doesn't see the weight, she see's Mommy's smiling face and hugging arms and comfy lap...truly.Hugs and Blessings, JudyMy mother is very heavy, I don't know what she weighs, but I know she is at her greatest weight ever. I love her so much and want her to take care of herself, and she too does NOT eat an amount or type of food to create or maintain that weight! She's only 61, but she has arthritis in her knees and hips and is having a really hard time getting up from sitting. Since she's in the middle of divorce from my *ssh*le father, she's living alone. I'm afraid one night she'll be tired and getting up from the rocker recliner she'll fall.Our bodies decide what our weight set-points are and that's that unless we go way off the wagons or go on a stringent or lifestyle changing (aka adding exercise to our already not eating much lives) diets.
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TITLE:
AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 10/24/2004 09:49:50 PM
DATE: 10/26/2004 03:50:26 AM
Hi Cody,I'm so glad that you've gone so long without pulling. I do hope that it's the end of a chapter in your life.I know you have had your thyroid checked, but did you check the results with the doc and consider whether you were borderline low thyroid??? When I was dx'd with FMS and my thyroid was checked it was borderline low and we treated it (and I was so scared about what was making me so sick that I ate what they said, and actually exercised-treadmill 20 min a day). I think the thyroid supplement helped. My iron was also borderline low and we treated that. I'm sure it helped in my initial improvement.I had a friend who suffered lots of 'stuff' post-partum and her daughter was about 2 when she discovered she had an underactive thyroid and that it's not an uncommon postpartum problem. Supplements and she was helped. Again, having to get a doc who would treat a borderline low.I had weighed 140, thought that was fat, so went off the pill as a newlywed of 2 years and immediately got pregnant with my treasured Jen (now 18), and post pg my weight adjusted to 160. Then the special diet etc to help fms, and I dropped to 150 and I was happy and then 3 years later my Jen's dad died and all the rules went out the window in my ensuing depression (even tho he was an ex, I witnessed my daughter watching her daddy die at 37 of a sudden unexplained stroke). I went up to 180. Then I tried dieting with diet bars and shakes and walking and you guessed it, now I weigh 200. I refuse to diet again ever because I know it will land me at 220 eventually!!!! I don't know how this happened, other than low metabolism, weight set-points, and loss of control...so I guess I do know how it happened. I don't eat enough to sustain this weight, but my body keeps me here. I think until I get to walking again there will be no change.I was the toothpick, skinny/skinny girl in grade school, 100lbs through HS, 120 when I married my Sr year in college. The poof! The family weight problems hit me too.Anywho, I just wanted to send you a more personal message and let you know I'm in your corner. I'm pretty much daily in contact via pc with your sis. Bless her heart. She adores your Sarah sooooo much. I completely understand.Oh, also, I have this thick head of hair that is straight as a board and now a mousy dark brown with silver streaks.....may all your future hair concerns be what color to to use!!!Hugs and Blessings, Judy
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AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 10/18/2004 08:16:05 PM
I hope you like the new artwork at the top of your page. I made it just for you, it reminds me of when you were little.
your sis
Dear Cody,
I found your blog online while doing research for a friend on 'neurosis'...to tell you the truth, you are the first person I have ever told that I have Trich, and I've known it for yearsssss. Reading your first entry with your personal definition resounded inside me because you and i seem to have parallel lives. I first started pulling when i was 15, and i'm now 27. I've been wanting so badly to stop for years, but it's been easy to hide for everyone around me and it's so damn comforting at times. I would like to communicate you in a more secure location, such as from our email accounts to each other, because i have some questions for you that might help me. I'm reaching out to you because this is quite anonymous, and i really want to stop. I keep saying i will, but it just doesn't happen...
Please, email me your private email address (at mine listed above), and maybe we can become friends and support each other!
cheers,
e
You think you'd actually have the time to sit around and eat and get fat? With YOUR life? I dont think so Tim. It won't ever happen because you are way too busy and have too many demands on you. Sorry. Besides, even though you have moments of weakness, you are also really self-disciplined
considering what you COULD be doing . You work out at night instead of sleeping. You do a lot for other people even when you're exhausted. You spend quality time with your daughter doing great, fun things with her instead of plopping her in front of the tv.
You do a LOT. You deserve a lot more credit than you give yourself.
Wow, Cody, Thank God for Dr. !!! I can't believe they all just gave you tylenol... what an offense!I just have to say that I adore the 'barf like the kitties' story! When my Jen was under 2ish and I'd need her to blow her nose, we'd refer to the Disney cartoon, Ferdinand the bull and tell her to 'blow like a bull'. I totally understand your amazement at having a daughter and of time flying. My Jen is 18 now and I remember feeling her move within me so clearly. I thought coloring your hair was a great choice rather than pulling. Reminds me that I've got about 2 inches of my dark brown with silver highlights and it's time to decide between going auburn or cherry(much darker).I'm sorry to hear that your husband isn't emotionally close and there for you. I hope things turn around for you.Congrats on the 4lbs!! I have put back on the 30lbs I'd lost through a therapeautic diet for FMS, plus 10. I went off the strict diet when my daughter's dad (my ex) died in Oct 2000. All bets were off then.....I'm hoping every day that I'll start back on the treadmill, I even have one in the house. But...energy, pain, time....but your weight loss is heartening!& Oh I read of the fashion show, and it doesn't matter the size of the dress, it's how you look in it! And I'm sure you were just as beautiful as Sam was precious! (Besides those bridal/formal gowns always run wayyy small!!)Off to check in on your sis's blog & then to bed.Glad you're here.Judy
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TITLE:
AUTHOR: Cody
DATE: 10/16/2004 09:43:05 PM