March 19, 2005

Not a good day

I don't know what happened but today was not a good day. I woke up feeling just resentful of never getting any time to myself. I love my daughter, more than anything in the world, but she is always with me. ALWAYS. All night, all day...everyday. She is so loving and sweet, and getting so big, but I feel like I need a few minutes to be ME. I go through these phases every now and then. I feel guilty. I wish I didn't feel like I needed time away from her. *sigh*. I wish I had somewhere, someone safe to watch her while I went somewhere. But there's no one. I don't trust even my mother...especially if my father could be around somewhere. I don't trust my husband. He's great for playing games but has no idea what to do when Sammy cries. He doesn't know how to hold her and comfort her. So there's no one else. I figure that someday, she'll be in school or playing with friends and I'll want her home, with me, and she won't want to be with me. And then I'll be sad. So...I can keep going. Take it one day at a time and hope that tomorrow more patience, understanding, and just plain stamina will somehow find me again. I love Sammy, so so so much. I can't believe how much I love her.

I also had a terrible weigh-in at Weight Watchers on Friday. I gained 2.2, which isn't the end of the world, but I had gained 1.4 the last time I weighed in. :-( This leaves me with only 4 pounds down since I started. Not good! Not only am I not making progress, I'm going backwards!! It's time for me to really figure out what I want in life. I think that deep down I don't FEEL like an ugly person. I don't FEEL horribly fat. But I KNOW that I am. It's hard to describe. I can't allow myself to feel satisfied at this weight. It isn't healthy and it's sapping my energy. The lady at Weight Watchers actually approached me and asked me if I needed help. She was really sweet about it, and made me feel like an actual person. But, as I usually do when anybody offers to help me, I waved her off, claiming that I was fine, just "fighting a thyroid problem". *sigh*

I bought these four new shirts last weekend and I'm too fat to wear any of them. I was so excited to have new shirts to wear and I'm too fat. It's not unfair, it's just stupid. I've been so stupid.

Then tonight my husband starts pestering me about having another baby. I DO want another baby, I DO. It's just that right now, Sammy needs me too much. I try to give her whatever she needs. And how can I keep up with her needs if I have a newborn baby to tend to too? It's not possible. I have to wait. And if that means lying to my husband then that's fine. I have to do what's best for Sammy...and for me. I'm just not ready. The fear is still there, the kind that completely overrides common sense. The fear that says: "If you have another baby IT could happen again and you could DIE." I don't want to die. I just want to be Sammy's mommy. So, until I'M ready and until I think SAMMY is ready, WE are not having another baby. I'm a great husband will buy it. We had trouble getting pregnant before. I could just say I'm too fat and I'm not ovulating right. I'll tell him that as I lose weight, I should start cycling right again. He won't know the difference. He doesn't give a crap about me anyways. He has no idea what I do during the day, or what I think about at night. Just as long as I'm here to make him dinner and take care of his daughter and listen to his problems about work, everything is fine. And as long as I'm ready to make him another baby.

So, not a good day. And I pulled about 35 hairs from the right side of my head just to really top things off and get me feeling good about myself. My mind plays such mean jokes on me. I checked in the mirror and I can't notice any difference, but my head hurts where I pulled. It burns. It feels naked. And I hate it. I won't do that again for a long long time. As bad as things are in my head now, they would be much worse if I didn't have hair.

Tomorrow will be better. It always is. Spring is coming, and we can go for walks outside. And Sammy wants to ride the horses, and learn how to brush them. And she's getting potty trained. Everything will turn out all right. Tomorrow can be so much better.
Until next time.

Posted by Cody on March 19, 2005 8:34 PM


Ugh..what a cruddy day you had.
I wish so much that I lived by you. Because then you WOULD have a safe place to take Sammy. You KNOW I would love taking her for a couple hours a day (or whatever you needed) and you KNOW that I am a safe person to leave her with. Dammit-- that is what I hate so much about living in different states. I wish so much there was a way to solve this problem. But you know also that I CANT go back to living there, either. I would die if I went back home.
I want so much to help out. Thats why I send flowers and presents and stuff. But I know that it isn't what you REALLY need-- and that is TIME and a real life person there to come help out some times.
And you are right-- You CANNOT have another baby right now. You are tired enough. And the complications from last time were terrifying-- lets not go through that again. I dont know what I would do without you. YOU have control over when you have another baby. Not your husband.
You are NOT ugly or fat. You really aren't. Yah you have some weight to lose, but you know what, I never notice it. Your spirit and personality are much more important. What do you think Sammy cares about? Her mom's weight or how much time mom spends with her? Her mom's number on the scale or how mom laughs when they act silly together?

Hi Cody,
I found your site while searching for info on trich, to understand my 5 year old's behavior. I don't know if/when you'll see this, but I had to respond to this entry. Hang in there!

*** 1) Resentful = Not Taking Care of Self ***
You wouldn't believe how good you'll feel getting away from your dear daughter for an hour or two. You'll see her with fresh eyes! You will be incredulous at how fast she has grown up! Taking time for yourself, every week, will help refill your tank. I LOVE a walk in nature, getting off asphalt so I can smell the trees.

How? I have two ideas for you: (1) try to find a "parent education center". The hospital's education center might know of one. A local one near me charges $3 an hour for care, and also provides info on non-punitive, positive parenting methods - good to observe / absorb. Or (2) trade with a friend you trust. Play groups are good for socialization at this age anyway (sounds like your dear one is about 2 or 3). When you are comfortable with a fellow mother, offer to trade once a week. I don't know where you live, rural or urban? Maybe you'll meet someone at the playground, the doctor's office, the bookstore?

An hour or two at a time sounds so short, but you will not believe the difference it makes!

*** 2) No Support Is Terrible ***
Who else should be closer to you than your mom or your husband? I can't think of anyone.

You'll need to build a support system, which will take time. I called two people, and told them I was taking a walk at 9:00 every weekday morning. That was great, then one day playing hooky at the coffee shop, a woman told us about another mom, and a neighbor we walked by gave us another. So, now we are 5 strong, and 95% of the time I have someone to walk with me. We chat, we walk, and the support it gives me is hard to measure!

*** 3) Another Baby Now Would Be Hard ***
My babies are five years apart. My oldest at four didn't like to see me with a baby in arms, but turning five was HUGE. She is a great help to me, loves the baby, and there isn't any jealousy. Your child might be different, but you are young, so give yourself some room. It is easy for someone who isn't taking care of the baby to say they want another!

Thank you New Hampshire Mom for the wonderful advice! It is great hearing advice from another mom! You have some great ideas and I hope that soon I'll be able to follow through. I definitely feel the need for some changes in my life...just minor ones would work right now.

My baby girl is 2 (almost 27 months), so I know this is a challenging time for most moms. :-) She has just gone through a terrible clingy phase but now seems to be more independent and I find it easier to go out to the barn for 20-30 minutes each night which helps.

My only friend who has started a family lives 1+ hours away...but I'm trying to make new friends and find other kids that Sammy can socialize with. This is a rural area which makes it hard! Plus I have a terrible time trusting anyone...even if I've known them for many years.

Thank you very much for caring so much to leave me a message. I very much appreciate it. Good luck with your daughter and let me know if you need any advice.


Oh, a Testing Two, oh you just hang in there, Cody. It can be really hard to find another mom, like you said, that you can trust, that has the same parenting style, is close by, AND isn't also working outside the home.

I have two other ideas:
1) Not perfect, just alright: if you can find someone that you feel won't hit your child or call them names, it might be "good enough". One of the women nearest me doesn't do things exactly the way I'd do them, but if push came to shove, I know my kids would be safe with her. Really, a few hours occasionally won't fundamentally change your dearest daughter, but as I remember, it's harder to really believe that with a two year old compared to a five year old :)

2) Maybe a woman with kids long out of the nest would be available ... maybe you can trade something, some eggs or a nice pot of soup for a few hours for yourself. Some grandmother types would relish the idea and make it fun for her, others I would run from :)

I moved from suburbia to a rural part of our state, and I love it, but I do make time for "community-building" exercises. It really takes a village to raise a child! I can't do it alone! We had a New Year's Block Party, for example, I invited everyone I knew around us and a few that I didn't. I even asked people if they could bring some food. I don't know if this sounds like something fun, I'm not necessarily a social butterfly, but by being a bit generous with our neighbors, I hope they'll be there for us.

I see you saying that you are slow to trust. I had a terrific therapist that thought the reason I had children was to provide them with a safe environment. On re-reading the above, I realized I even used the word "safe" as my criteria. I'm not sure what I'm driving at, maybe you understand your drives better than I did, or just an interesting comparison: for me, it's about safety, you, trust.

I'm not sure yet about my daughter and trich. I'm going to contact a therapist so I can discuss it. I'll try to watch your blog meanwhile! PLEASE take care of YOURSELF ! :)

Sweet Cody,
I read your last post before I read this one.
With the issue of life threatening complications with your first pregnancy, maybe Sammy will be your one and only .... believe me as a mom of one daughter I am truly fulfilled and she was raised with love safety and trust and not spoiled, well not spoiled 'rotten'.
And from what I've learned from your sis I agree you can't leave Sammy with your mom, especially if your father is anywhere around.
It does make me sad that your relationship with your husband, like your sister's, is really distant and in no way close and trusting and supportive. I wouldn't recommend another child until and when you have a better relationship with your husband.....just my thoughts.
Enjoy every moment with Sammy, before you know it she'll be turning 19 like my Jen and you'll wonder where all the time went; and you'll be proud of the young woman she becomes, because she has a wonderful Mom to guide her.
Love, Judy

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