April 19, 2005

Couple good days

Well yesterday I went to the doctor and he said I have a small goiter! ACK! Isn't that what those women in third world countries get? Like, I once saw that picture of a woman with the world's largest goiter. I've got one of THOSE? Yikes. Well, so that means my thyroid is definitely off. Way off. I go for blood work tomorrow and then go back to the doctor on May 9th. He is also running a blood count on me since he thinks I'm still anemic. I'm so glad I went back to this doctor. He is a sweetie and I wish I would've stayed. One thing he said that really made me feel good: I was talking about how I was downright exhausted all the time and he said "Well, I would rather go out and dig ditches all day than watch a two year old all day!". It made me feel good. Wow, a man who actually understands where I'm coming from. I felt relief leaving the doctor's office, knowing that all these things I'm feeling and going through are partly due to my physical condition. And it can be fixed with the right medication and taking better care of myself. Somehow that feels alot better.

Feeling better means I don't have any urges to pull. None. And that makes me feel even better. I think it might be a while before I feel the need to pull anymore.

Now I'm anxious to get on with it. Get on some medication. Get on with losing weight effectively and permanently. In the next three weeks, I hope I'll know more about what's going on with my body...and then maybe I can finally continue on.

My husband asked me what causes this type of thyroid problem. I told him that sometimes it can be caused by trauma...and then gets worse when the body is not given any recovery time. He asked: "What trauma?" God, I married an ass. I said: "Um, having Sammy??!?! Like when I almost DIED! (you freaking moron)". I didn't actually YELL it, but I did give him the "You're an ass sometimes you know that don't you?" look. He really is clueless. Poor stupid man. :-D love him, but he's just SO CLUELESS.

Whenever I go back to the doctor, it always gets me thinking about what happened when Sammy was born again. I usually don't have the time to think about it. But, when I do, it still kinda hurts. And it hurts more that my husband doesn't even remember or care. And it hurts that my mom or dad didn't seem to care...they just wanted me to get better so that they didn't have to worry about me keeling over on them. Because GOD what WOULD they do without ME to do all this STUFF for them?? I came home from the hospital on a Monday. By Thursday I was in the office making out payroll. Why didn't I just say NO?!?!? Two weeks later I was cleaning horse stalls and vacuuming the carpet. I went downstairs to take care of my cats and had to crawl back up the steps when I was done. It should've never happened that way. People should have been waiting on me hand and foot. Ah well. It's in the past, it doesn't matter. Right? Wrong. I still have to deal with those feelings somehow. Like in the Lion King where Rafiki whacks Simba over the head with his stick. Simba said "OW what'd you do that for?" and Rafiki says: "It's in the past...it doesn't matter!" and Simba says (rubbing his head), "IT STILL HURTS".

It does still hurt. The question is, what do I do with it? I don't know. Time will tell.

I just want to be free of it. And free of the things that bother me about my childhood too. And I want my sister to be free too. People should've never done the things that they did, especially to her, but it IS in the past. And it still hurts. What do we do now? How do we move on?

I guess time will tell.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on April 19, 2005 8:37 AM


Hey there girlfriend :)

There is a little considered, tyroid deficiency thing that occurs after childbirth. A gf of mine was so exhausted and practically bedridden and she had medical background so when they looked at her bloodwork, she picked up on the thyroid issue. Treatment for the hypo-throid (underactive) and she was sooooooo much better. Another more recent friend, told the same story, she lost like 65 lbs just from the treatment. More importantly she felt better and healthier.
I'm gonna email you 'bout other stuff here.......
Sooooooooo glad you are dx'd and will be getting something to help and will be feeling better. Don't use all the new energy on others!!!! Save some for YOU!!!
Hugs and Blessings, Love, Judy

Look i'm not here to talk about my day to day life like what most of you have been doing. I understand that you have a hair pulling thing going on with you but it seems more along the line as just a phase and emotions thats all.On the other hand to be honest i am a person that not many have encounted before. I have been a tricster for so so long not only that but all the above as well. In the past i'v been to so many doctor's and above type of doctor's before because they could not help me or they just didnt know what it was. The reason as to why many couldnt help me was because of my attidute as well to go with my problem they tried all angles but never succeeded. Until i met one Phycatrist in the end and could. He said i had the worst one he had ever encounted.I was on the Zoloft medication as well to help ease my emotions along the way. I had alot of sleepless nights and felt miserable.That is the story as to when i was young. And now i'm a grown women well not fully im going on 19yrs old. My problem has come back again. and i now live in a completly different location as to when i was young. Im seeing doctors and all sorts again. I could feel all the feeling last year builing up inside and i knew what was expected in future. I am on Medication again and thats Zoloft. As now that i am a grown women they boosted up my medication to 100mg because there is no effect. I am still on 100mg and really shouldnt be because my body weight is too low. They said if it does not work in the next 2 week they are going to try other sollutions. Which Means they are going to treat me like a "ginni Pig" which is something i really want to avoid those things. They are already suggesting Hypnosis and all sorts of medication. Im so not going to try Hypnosis because that just sort of excludes you from the reality of things. Well my days have been horrible and depressing thats all i can say and i know i'm gonna go through another lowsy years. I Know in myself and so does my father that i'm not stabble enough to be in any relationship. Every thing in my life can go in an instant career and all because of my situation and plus doctors constantly ringing me up and telling me to see them as well as mental Health an that. I don't want everything to go down the drain again.


i got married. but not satisfy
i am lazy now.
l lost my confident.
what i can do

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