April 1, 2005

I know why

I know why I feel scared and anxious so much. I know why I constantly feel the need to escape and tune out the world. It just clicked. Just a minute ago. It's the thing that's always lurking underneath my skin...just under the top layer of my brain...

I am terrified of repeating the cycle. The cycle of the family I was raised in. I'm scared to death of being my own mother to Sammy. I'm scared to have another baby because I don't want Sammy to feel left out and alone and like she doesn't know me anymore. I don't want to lose patience with Sammy, ever. I don't want to be my mother and my father. I'm so scared of Sammy growing up like me or my sister. We are beautiful people, but (my sister more than me), we are haunted. Tainted. Bruised. Afraid. I cannot let Sammy grow up that way.

So when I pull, when I eat, when I spend too much money...I escape for a minute. I zone out. I tune out the fear. Just for a minute. But then it comes back worse than ever.

I remember when I was little I loved to sit on my mom's lap in the car (before car seats). I would lay my head on her chest and play with her shirt or the buttons on her blouse and she would rest her chin on my head. I would fall asleep that way. But one time I reached up to scratch my ear or something, I don't even remember, but I bumped my moms face and knocked her glasses uneven. And she huffed. A loud, exasperated huff. And it hurt me so badly. I wanted to curl up and die. I felt scared that I had done something so bad...but I also felt...betrayed. My safe place was lost that day. I don't remember sitting on mom's lap too much after that.

Then, when I was seven or eight, I went through this phase of wanting to hug the heck out of mom. I always wanted hugs, and at that age I wasn't afraid to just march right up and get one. The last time I hugged mom one day, she huffed, and her arms hung to her sides. This is the last time I remember hugging mom. Ever. Even to this day. The thought of even hugging her now makes me want to run away. I hate hugs. Hugs make me freeze and sweat and panic.

I can't be that way with Sammy, no matter what, no matter how I feel, no matter what else I'm doing. if Sammy wants to cuddle, we are going to find a way to cuddle. If Sammy wants to hug me all day, she can hug me all day.

So, this pressure to be the ever-patient, cuddly, Roo's mom Kanga kinda of mom is more than I can take. And the fear that I will fail...is going to kill my spirit.

I just pray that the Lord will help me. I don't have the patience within myself, but He can give me what I need in order to be the best for Sammy. I just pray that every day.

I can't fail her.

Posted by Cody on April 1, 2005 9:12 PM


that totally makes sense.

i dont think you have to worry about doing anything wrong, failing with Sammy. You're not going to fail her-- i know it as sure as I know anything. You are not going to fail her at all. You are SUCH an amazing mom. I would have never guessed you had it in you,but you do. You're gong to keep getting to be a better and better mom as the years go by with her. I just know it.

I had fun talking last night. You know what I dreamed about about our hot guys? Making a list with someone of more hot guys. NOT the guys themselves, agh!

I am a high school student doing research on trich and I wanted to commend you on the point of view you maintain. By keeping an inspiration as valuable as your child you are sure to great success. Don't be afrai of becoming your mother, she obviously has taught you a lot and her best attributes are sure to brighten dark days.

Sweet Cody,
I see and understand your fear that lies behind your behavior.
The best thing is that you realize your parents did not raise you in a loving healthy manner and that you want Sammy to have a better childhood, life, Mother.
You are a wonderful mother from what I've heard and you are not doomed to repeat the past. Life is an open door and you pick the path, the path of loving, making her feel safe, and being sure she belongs with her loving parents.
Knowing your parents live near you, I just wonder what affect they still have on you that is toxic.
Allowing toxic behavior to yourself could pass part of the toxins to your little girl. It doesn't have to. Be assertive in your interaction with your parents and set definite limits on how you will be treated.
Having another child will not mean abandoning Sammy. You have enough love in you to love two children I'm sure. Then again, I'm the proud mother of my one & only Jen, 19, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. (Though she does have 3 brothers from her dad's 2nd marriage; 3 boys, YIKES!) Jen loves her brothers so much and has from day 1. I'm sure Sammy could love her little brother or sister too.
Remember life is full of choices that you make, and you choose not to repeat your parents' ways.
You choose to be a healthy loving mother to your children and to hug them anytime forever.
Sending you loads of hugs, Love, Judy

Hi Cody,
In addition to being a mother, I wanted to comment on your excellent writing. I have read your journal entries, and I feel so pulled in. You write from your heart, it comes out clearly.

My therapist said, "we are doomed to repeat what we don't understand." It turns out that Anger wasn't an emotion that my mother was allowed to express, thirty years later, I found out that it was affecting me! I didn't know that I subconsciously felt that I couldn't express anger! Just by giving me that one insight, I have changed so much. I point this out, because consciously you know what you don't want to repeat, and since you DO have insights from your heart, please rely on that, too.

Your daughter is starting, is going to start, challenging you, and you might feel you have an empty parenting toolbox. When I see these "natural mothers" interact with their children, positive, even when setting boundaries, I feel so stupid! It had taken me lots of work to re-train my thinking patterns so I can deal with the daily challenges of my sweet daughter. And challenge she does!

>> So, this pressure to be the ever-patient, cuddly, Roo's mom Kanga kinda of mom is more than I can take. And the fear that I will fail...is going to kill my spirit.

This is EXACTLY what I was doing when my daughter was sweet Sammy's age. This is when I started a bit of therapy and learned so much. THANK GOODNESS!

Please, please, take care of yourself, so you can have the space to take care of others.

I also want to say that it takes a village, or in some cases, a world, to raise a child. Our model of one mother all day taking 100% care of a child SUCKS. You know how many times a two year old can ask "why?"??

When I put my five year old to bed at night, I say, "no more talking" "But mom..." "No, not now, tell me in the morning...". Ahhhh :)

One other thing...reading the NH Mom's posts raised the issue that Sammy will go through difficult phases and how you deal with them will form your relationship with her and allow her to form her perception of self.
I know you don't want to watch TV. But I've seen the SuperNanny and I really like her style. Not saying you need help. She does give great guidance to parents who've never disciplined or did it wrong and now have a mess...
Just peek at the show sometime when there's a little one or multiple little ones and see that what you are doing is good and put a couple of moves in your hip pocket for when Sammy hits that stage...Just a thought.
Hugs and Blessings, Love Judy

Hi, I'm a year 12 student in Australia. i am 17 and have had trichotillomania for 3 years and i am also doing a major project on it. your dairies are fantastic for my project and i thank you for having the strength to publish it.
I would also like to help you.

i havnt read all of your entries, but from the few i have i have come to know that you fight to prevent your urge. I have a doctor i am currently seeing who has giving me treatment to help me stop.it is a mind over matter thing whereby you relax your body everything you have the urge to pull. it helped me alot and because of it i had my first pull free week in over 3 years. and although i had returned to old habits after learning the death of a family member, i am now back on track and i know i can do it.

thank you for sharing your life with trich, i hope you can overcome it.

thank you

Karla Marie

PS- another thing is you wont be your mother if you really dont want to be. just dont give up on doing what you think is right...

The last time I wrote, my doctor upped my celexa to 60mg, I thought it was helping, I wasnt pulling for a couple of weeks, but its sad to say Im at it again, I dont know why, it could be the holidays, without my mom, I dont know, sometimes its just nothing, I just dont understand. I am going back to the doctors the 1st of December. Does anybody take higher doses of this medicine, and can it work.

Post a comment

Remember Me?

All content published on HealthDiaries.com is provided for informational and educational purposes only. HealthDiaries.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. The site and its services are not a substitute for professional medical advice and treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor before making any changes to your diet, health routine or treatment.

Copyright © 2004-2006 HealthDiaries.com. All rights reserved.