April 13, 2005


Well lately things have been rough. I've been pulling about every other day, though not alot and not enough to make a difference in how my hair looks. I really do want to stop again though. The very idea of going back to the place where I was just....freaks me out...and breaks my heart. I can't go back to the awful place.

I think that posting here again daily will help. I really need to be accountable to someone.

The past week I was really struggling with my patience with Sammy and wondering if I was really a terrible parent or not. I was not lashing out at her, or being mean, I just wasn't the jolly ol' mommy that I prefer to be. (Yeah yeah I know....it's crazy to think I can be the nice mommy all the time). Well, we went to the zoo on Sunday and I got the chance to see lots and lots of parents interacting with lots and lots of their kids. And there were lots of mommies that I would consider very nice having troubles and losing patience with their kids that were Sammy's age. I saw temper tantrums and crying and frsutrated mommies trying to get 2 year olds in strollers and the whole bit. After that, I felt fine. We all struggle. It's HARD being the parent, not only of a 1-2-3 or 4 year old, but for ALL ages. I know now that I'm doing the best that I can. I need to stop over compensating and practically killing myself trying to be nice all the time. I'm very good at disciplining Sammy. In fact, she really doesn't "need" the type of discipline other kids need. She is extremely hyper-sensitive, like I was when I was young, and just a sideways glance can send her to tears of repentance. She is really sensitive most of the time. Other times it does take a firmer approach, but I have no problem disciplining her in a loving and firm way. (by the way she never cried once at the zoo although she did have a little grumpy stage when she got hungry at lunchtime. But over all she was wonderful!!).

So that's what I've been thinking about lately.

I started taking these herbal meds for my thyroid, some that I had ordered off the Internet, and yesterday I was terribly, terribly sick. I was retaining an awful amount of water, more than I had retained since after having Sammy. It was really awful. I was having headaches and had to go to the bathroom all the time. So I stopped taking the pills and today I felt much better. I don't feel as sluggish. Maybe it's just co-incidence, but I'd rather not take that chance again. I felt really awful! I had to take a water pill since my joints were aching and head was hurting from all the water retention. I haven't had to take one of those since six weeks post-baby! No more pills from the Internet.

Well, I better get to bed. Trying to get more sleep lately. And stop eating past 8:00 again. I didn't go to Weight Watchers last week...scale avoidance!!! The scale was very high the other day, which makes me feel gross, but I haven't been working out AT ALL and I've was eating TONs of sugar and treating my body like a garbage disposal. Today was much better. I'll keep doing better everyday until I get back to where I want to be. I also go to see a different doctor next MOnday to see what he thinks of my thyroid.

Well, until next time!

Posted by Cody on April 13, 2005 8:05 PM

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