May 17, 2005

10 Flex Points Left

I never know what to title my posts.

Today was a bad mommy day. It's the kind of day where after Sammy goes to bed, I sit and wish I could start the whole day over again! So many mistakes. I hope I am able to re-write my mistakes with positive actions each day, so that each day feels more positive for Sammy than negative, but some nights I just have my doubts. I try so hard. I wonder if I just worry too much? I do try to tell myself that tomorrow will be better and that the last words Sammy hears each night, no matter how the day went, is "I love you. I love you more than anything. You are the best thing to ever happen to mommy. What would I do without you?" This always makes Sammy pat my face or pull my hands close to her. It's a good feeling.

Today I have ended my day at about 40 Points which isn't great, but I still have about 10 Flex Points to get me through the week. 40 Points is about 2000 calories, so I could have done worse. I feel like I am trying very hard. At least I am no longer binging on whatever I can get my hands on. Sammy and I also took a two mile walk in the woods today which was really fun. We saw lots of pretty flowers. I'm going to try to get my exercise each day with Sammy, whether a bike ride or a walk, or just playing kick ball in the horse pasture. That way I can relax at night instead of beating myself up about not doing my FIRM workouts. I'll make time for the FIRM workouts again someday, just not right now.

So, I guess I should get back on the subject of my hair pulling. :-( The good news is that I did not pull today...not a single hair. HOWEVER, I just got off a week-long pulling binge that has done some major damage to the sides of my head and above my ears. Crap. I can't even explain how terrible it looks. The hair is growing back in really quickly, but I've lost all my progress on the sides of my head and I have to start again from square one. :-( Why was I so stupid? I look back on my posts from the past year and I read them and it almost feels like someone else wrote them. I've already forgotten what it felt like to be free of the pulling. I always had that deep-rooted fear that the pulling would return, and I was right. It always comes back. This will be a life-long battle for me. A battle to look and feel normal. *sigh*

But today was pull free. And I ended the day holding my baby girl. And I didn't binge on anything and I got my exercise. SO...maybe not such a bad day after all.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on May 17, 2005 7:21 PM

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